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Self-Doubt in step parenting

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 10/22/2010 - 8:19am

I know that we all have our times of frustration and helplessness.

We have our moments of happiness, and moments of anger.

But does anyone else suffer from self-doubt?

Most of my frustration stems from the fact that I feel I'm doing the best for my skid... BUT...

What if I'm not?

What if I am hurting her more than helping her?

SD has been working on a relationship with her mom. In my heat of anger outside the therapist's office, I told BM a few things that SD felt, as per our prior conversations. When BM didn't believe DH and I, we said "ASK HER."

We let it go. DH said that BM would never ask SD the questions, so not to worry about it. But then, SD and I were having a discussion about her mom. She has been working on her relationship with her mom so much and really trying to have "something" with her. I told SD what I had said to her mom, so she wouldn't be blindsided if all of a sudden BM starts asking her pointed questions. SD was upset with me.

She is trying to protect that relationship and her mom. She feels that her mom needs protection for her feelings more than she (SD) needs protection for her feelings.

I wasn't hurt or frustrated as much as I had the thoughts of .... I'm not sure I should be the one alone with this kid all the time.

Lots more happening here - with SD and her job (which she lost) and DH and I having the discussion of making SD get another job (she's 17) and when she should start being responsible for more of her life. SD asking DH for something and then asking me separately, not telling me she had asked her dad (before or after me - I don't know).

It's not sadness, anger or frustration I feel. It's like - What the f*ck am I doing? Ha!

Anyway - It is what it is. Our living / working situation will not change so SD and I are "stuck" together for a while longer, alone.

I'm not really looking for reassurance on what I'm doing.. just more wondering if any of you ever had that self-doubt about your personal actions with your skids (not your role - your actions)?

Comments

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 10/22/2010 - 8:21am

PS - I'm asking this because out of the past 2 weeks, I have made SD cry - more like SOB in a puddle - because of what I was trying to teach her / get across to her. One was about her job and my feelings on her working, and the other was about her empathy. ! I really am the hardest one on this kid.

pastepmomof3's picture

Submitted by pastepmomof3 on Fri, 10/22/2010 - 8:34am

I've felt this way too Stick. DH is the NCP so he only gets his SS EOW and here lately, only getting SD once a month, if he's lucky. When SD is here, I try really hard to make sure she's comfortable and to get her thoughts/feelings on certain things (i.e. job, car, relationships, etc.) so we can have a discussion about them. I find that i try really hard to give her good advice and guidance, but then wonder if that was the best thing to do?

I don't think I've ever made SD cry, at least not that i know of intentionally. I think the reason I want to impart some of my insight to SD is because I want her to realize there are different perspectives than what she may get from her BM and hopefully she will make a more educated decision.

Hang in there Stick.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Fri, 10/22/2010 - 8:46am

Yes! As you know I am at the start of the process with a troubled teen. I keep fluctuating between absolute conviction that something needs to be said or done, and insecurity about whether I've said/done the right thing. In general my approach tends to appeal much more to emotions and feelings when I am trying to get a point across. I am also much more keen on confronting things than DH. These factors combined mean there is a high probability that I cause tears. But I think some crying is not a bad thing, it suggests your point has gone home, and that they are open to your feelings and able to express their own, which is really important in any relationship and a life skill. I really doubt you are hurting more than helping, you are teaching her that people's feelings matter and that she has responsibilities to those around her, that's a very important lesson.

HeatherM's picture

Submitted by HeatherM on Fri, 10/22/2010 - 8:48am

I have self doubt... but even when parenting my own children. I think it's normal..and healthy. As DPW said above..it's our internal regulator... if we didn't have one..I think we'd be crazy. I often think..(a) Why do I think I'm a better parent than my DH and BM? Maybe I'm worse? (b) Maybe I'm too stict..maybe their approach is better (c) Maybe I'm too judgemental, perhaps I should just let this kid become who he's supposed to become..no matter what that might be (d) Why can't I smile and giggle with SS like his parents do? Why do I think everything he says is ignorant? Why do I think he's sooo behind the 8-ball?..... is it me? Am I the problem?

So yes... I self doubt all the time... however... most times I still think I'm right! Smile

Chavez's picture

Submitted by Chavez on Fri, 10/22/2010 - 8:57am

Stick, don't be too hard on yourself please. 99% of the time I am perfectly confident in what I'm doing as a BM/SM, then that 1% creeps in and I think OH MY GOD I'M RUINING THEIR LIVES!!!! Everyone has self-doubt in themselves sometimes. I have made my DS and my SDs cry because I've been tough on them. That alone makes any mom (and yes, you're a mom) feel bad and doubt themselves.

You're a good mom to your SD. Hang in there! XOX

Stick's picture

Submitted by Stick on Fri, 10/22/2010 - 4:52pm

StepAside, PAStepmom, DPW, Bojangles, Heather, Chavez, Crazy, Fabumom! Thank you so much ladies! I really appreciate the support, encouragement, and the questions / concerns that were raised. I also appreciate your warmth.

I definitely know I did a few things wrong (I talk too much), and while I do think my points were good, I know that sometimes I just hammer them home mercilessly. My husband says that whenever I see SD exhibiting any kind of BM behavior, I get tense and harder on her. I also know that sometimes I do it because I don't know if it's sinking in. She's a teenage girl with that dumb blank stare in her eyes!!

I will definitely expand on this when I can get my thoughts together. ...

Thank you again!