BEYOND angry right now....(long)
This is rare for me to log on on a friday night. StepTalk is usually my guilty pleasure at work, but tonight I ran straight to the computer. Here's what happened:
*This is SD's version of events.
SD11 was riding on the bus and a high school girl sitting beside her kept hitting her on the arm over and over. She told the bus driver, they "didn't do anything" and the girl kept on then she told the bus driver again and still nothing happend. Insted of getting up and switching seats, sitting by the bus drive, HELL sitting on the floor....SD HIT HER BACK.
My husband thinks she did nothing wrong and it was defending herself. TO ME, hitting somebody because they are ANNOYING you is NOT self defense. Self defense is for when you are defending your LIFE.
This is the THIRD time something of this sort has happened and she has YET to get in trouble for it. Both BM and DH think that SD is completely innocent every single time. The first major fight DH and I had was about the first "incident".
I know some of you will crucify me for saying that she shouldn't hit back to "defend" herself. Don't get me wrong, there are times when that is COMPLETELY the right way to go, but I just don't think this was one of those situations. I ALSO think that the story was a wee bit dramatacized in order to make it look like the other girl was doing worse than she really was.
DH and I rarely fight. We bicker about things we disagree on, and then move on to the next subject, no hard feelings. Ooooooh no. Not about this. I stomped off (rare for me) and shut the bedroom door to type him an email. I do MUCH better expressing my thoughts in writing rather than verbally.
This is what I wrote.
I realize I'm not her MOTHER and my opinion doesnt count, but here it is anyway. Not hitting back is NOT "choosing to be the VICTIM", it is refusing to drop down to the same amoral and barbaric level the other person is on. Yell, scream, jump up and down, but dont hit. If you are getting attacked or beaten, hell yeah fight for your life. Being ANNOYED doesnt classify as a reason for "self defense". Do you not see a problem with the fact that this is the THIRD time she has hit somebody in the past year or so? If you let her think this is the correct way to handle uncomfortable situations, it will only get worse. What is going to happen when she does this a 4th time and a teacher sees it and both she and the other person get ARRESTED for assault.....because it is just that on BOTH parts. This girl annoyed the piss out of other people, right? They didnt hit her, so what makesit ok for SD to hit her?
Should I hit send????? UGH I KNOW that I'm over reacting...I do, and I know it's not my place. I'm just simply worried about what they are teaching her by not even fucking ADDRESSING it and proposing other ways to get out of those type of situations. BM is straight white trash so I expect this from her. Not so much from DH (even though is he a country boy).
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Comments
Sometimes you have to let
Sometimes you have to let people know you won't take their crap or it can turn middle, and high school into HELL. You have to think about the situation from her age level, her ability to fit in is(or will soon be) the most imporant thing in her life until somewhere around 18.
I think I'm not so much angry
I think I'm not so much angry at SD for hitting the girl, but at for DH & BM for not addressing it with her and explaining that is not (usually) the best way to handle it. Since it has happend multiple times at this point (all different people and situations)I'm more worried that she will learn to handle everything physically rather than verbally, emotionally, responsibly. That make sense?
You need more
You need more information.
Who is the girl that was so annoying? And....since when does a 11 yr old girl hit a high schooler? That seems rather strange to me. I would get the information from your SD, and tell her you are going to call the school and speak to the bus driver. Don't tell her you are calling the school until AFTER you have the information you need. I would request that the bus driver keep an eye on your daughter on the bus. You may also find out that your SD may not be the angel in this case..... I know for myself, when my girls were young... I sometimes battled for them only to find out later....THEY were responsible for the problem. Embarrassing.
Your DH is proud of his daughter. She is tough, she stands up for herself..... that is how men see things. You might want to point out how SD could have gotten hurt, or may be hurt in the future by this high school girl due to her "hitting" back. Some HS girls don't need much before they find a reason to pick on a younger girl.
Get more information... this story from SD sounds a little fishy......
Good Luck.
SD is BM's daughter,
SD is BM's daughter, therefore stories get "shifted" to make them sound like the victim. SD has a mouth on her when she's in a mood. I find it hard to believe that a somebody sitting next to you on the bus would just turn to you and SMACK! on the arm in a malicious manner. When I first heard this I honestly thought she meant in a playful way that just annoyed her. Hell yeah, it's annoying, but damn....deal with it or SCREAM at the top of her lungs or get other kids to help out. I think the story she told to her mom after she told us made it seem more vicious after I gave her a look of stunned disappointment when she said she hit her. We have yet to hear the other girl's side of the story...and may never know.
Oh Sueu2...you crack me up.
Oh Sueu2...you crack me up. Maybe you are reading my post in another language than I am because your response is based solely on your own assumptions rather than the facts in my post. Guess I was right about being crucified for my post.
Is anybody else going to flag this as offensive, or do I get that honor?
She was joined by me b/c you
She was joined by me b/c you ALWAYS stir the pot. Sometimes you have really valid points, but you get to those points only AFTER you have told OP everything they are doing/saying/thinking is absolutely wrong. There are ways to disagree with a poster without putting them down first. By starting the majority of your posts out like that, most people won;t even bother reading the rest and could miss out on some good advice.
Sue always has her "own
Sue always has her "own facts" when it comes to someone's else's posts. She is always judgemental no matter what you post.
Sue, I understand your
Sue,
I understand your thinking but to tell you the truth, I have a stepson that looks for any reason to do something to someone else and make it look as if he was the victim. He aggravates and then waits for someone to look at him wrong or to touch him in any way and then he pays them back, but twice as hard. Yes, I know he was the baby of two older brothers that picked on him when he was a baby and had to take up for himself. I also am aware that if he didn't learn to be just a little bit meaner that the others would have probably ran over him. But now he still displays this behavior a lot. DH decided to play a rough and rowdy game of football/dodgeball where all four boys and him were throwing the football at each other. They were all throwing and hitting each other while Im trying to dodge and make sure no one got hurt. At some point, BS hit SS with the ball (I think in the back or head, I cant remember which) and he proceeds to do the same to BS only upclose and twice as hard with a mean look on his face before I could stop him. (Not as if they weren't all hooping and hollaring but they were having fun at it as they really love the rare chance they get to beat up on each other). Payback is payback but when the child does it in anger and to hurt someone, then it becomes a different story. I actually think most of them got hit in the head a few times from several different ones but it ended when SS got angry and tried to hurt someone.
Another example is when SS recently got suspended from school for two days for throwing a rock at another student on top of being defiant to teacher's orders. He swears the kid threw a rock at him first, I dont know, I wasn't there but the other kid was in the elementary school that only goes up to third grade and my SS is in 6th. The principal also told me there are a lot of times when SS gets caught hurting another child but always says the other child started it.
MSS witnessed YSS punch BS three times in the chest and pull him off the couch so fast that his head bounced off the floor after BS kicked him off of him. SS was being ill with BS because his grandmother had gotten on to him and took it out on BS when he relayed the message that his grandmother wanted him in the other room. BS made a comment about him being ill. SS said all he did was barely lay on top of BS and then BS kicked him and hurt him. SS also said he wasn't being ill yet BS had just told me he was being ill with him before he was sent with the message.
MSS is also like this at times. He recently threw a stick at BS while they were playing football. BS being a smarty "Says, well we know you can kick a stick" because he thought he had kicked it at him. MSS who is 67 lbs more than BS shoves BS so hard he almost fell off his feet. No one comes and tells about this incident and they keep playing. MSS gets mad at YSS regarding something and then jumps in front of BS to catch the ball he was throwing to BS. So YSS makes the comment "Oh, well we know you can catch a ball now". Ok, yes, YSS and BS were being smart alecks but MSS was no innocent party in the situation. Next thing I know, MSS hits my house with the football and storms up the steps. I was asking him what was wrong and why he had hit the house with the ball. I start getting the "they are making fun of me story because I cant play football as good as them". I immediately start feeling sorry for him and go to call the others in when they come storming in. They, both YSS and BS, come in telling me what happened. Neither of their stories swaying from the other while MSS's story has him only as the victim. YSS and BS rarely get along, and pretty much dislike each other. I tried to explain to MSS that they were not going to lie for each other as much as they loved to get the other one in trouble. YSS was the one who told me about BS getting pushed. MSS story changed constantly. Before his Dad got home he told me they were not allowed to say anything to him like that because they knew how he would take it. At that time, I didnt quite know the whole story because I hadnt had time to talk to each of them without another one butting in. He then proceeded to blame the others for everything and even resorted to crying. This is the type of stuff I deal with all the time. When I wouldn't do as he wanted and punish the others for being mean to him when he was the one starting most of it, he started getting huffy and puffy with me, hollaring, rolling his eyes, etc. etc. Of course, the next morning, he admits with the perfect little innocent smile that yes, he wasn't innocent and being picked on for no reason. Yet, the night before he would have argued you to his grave he did no wrong.
Yes, I used to listen to the victim stories but no longer just listen, fully believing that everyone is being mean to them. I have to dig deep to find the truth before I can make any decision. I wish that I could believe every word that came out of every mouth each time they are just taking up for themselves but I can't. It's like the boy who cried wolf, after hearing the victim story so many times and finding out different, I have trouble believing.
I disagree. I was the kid
I disagree. I was the kid that would hit back when I was being bullied (verbally or physically) and then I was labeled a bully myself. I never instigated any violence against any kid, but that didn't matter... if I was the one that hit, I was the bully- period. It only happened twice in my whole childhood, but that was enough. It wasn't even my classmates that labeled me, it was my own family members. As a result, I have never lived that stigma down... 20 years later. After awhile, just like any other label you give to a child, I started to see myself that way too. I truly believe that it has affected my natural coping mechanisms with conflict resolution. I, of course, would never actually hit anyone, but my first instinct is not to diplomatically discusss my feelings/concerns with the annoying or mean person... it's to deck them in the face. Anyway, the point is... these parents have an opportunity right now to intervene this situation and teach her how to handle these situations the right way. I wish my parents would have. I hope I am smart enough to do that when the problem arrises for me and my kids/skids. If this were me, I'd offer to go with my kid to the principal or school board if necessary and discuss the problem with the bus driver. If the story she told isn't the whole truth... she probably won't wanna confront anyone about it and then you can question the story's validity.
I see your point as well. It
I see your point as well. It has already been reported twice to two different teachers, so we'll see where this goes. Again, there are always 2 sides to the story. SD is a good kid, but put in a situation where she has done something potentially wrong, she will lie like her pants are on fire to get out of trouble. Typical kid thing, I know.
My concern is that she is learning that hitting is her way out of things. I'm concerned that she's going to hit the wrong person and get seriously hurt and in major trouble.
SD should have knocked the
SD should have knocked the older girl’s teeth out. That would have taken care of the problem permanently. Even if the 11yo instigated the situation a HS age kid has no business hitting an 11yo.
However, three times should indicate that SD is the common denominator and is the primary cause of the repeated situation. Her dad needs to point this out to her.
My SS had a similar problem when he rode the bus in K-2nd grade. A 5th grade kid that was 3-4 years older than my SS would sit behind my kid on the bus and choke him. My kid put up with it and never said a word until I noticed bruising on his neck. When I asked what caused it and he told me. I sat down in a chair and told my son to choke me from behind. When he did I reached back and grabbed his ear. I told my son the next time the asshole on the bus choked him to grab the kid’s ear and tear it off of his head.
A few days later he nearly ripped the kid's ear off of his head. The kid choked him and my son grabbed his right hear and tore it partially off of his head. The kid had to have cosmetic surgery to re-attach his ear. We were sitting in our living room the next evening when there was knock on our door. I opened the door and the kid's dad was at my door with the hospital bill. I called my son to the door then asked the guy if his son had told him about choking my son. I showed him the bruises on my son's neck then told him that if is kid choked my kid again that they would not get the ear back. The dad kicked his kid’s ass all the way up the block for picking on a much younger kid. He took the bill with him.
The kid never laid a hand on my son again. My kid also had no problems with bullies until he changed schools. At the time we had him in martial arts. In gym class one day a kid went off off on my kid. My kid just blocked the kid’s punches and kicks but never hit him back.
The school gave my kid an award for tolerance and non violence.
I would have rather had my kid break the little bastard’s nose and beat the snot out of him.
It makes a much better point.
As he has gotten older my son has stepped in to bullying situations several times to defend someone. He won't fight he just gets between the bully and victim and takes a few hits.
I am proud of him for stepping up for others but I can not for the life of me understand why he tolerates getting hit. I hate getting hit. That is why I try to end fights either before they start or as soon after the start as possible. In my younger days even the fights I won I still hurt so my philosophy is eliminate the threat before it eliminates me. I used to follow the "let the other guy throw the first punch" philosophy. I soon learned that that crap hurts so I developed the "get in my face and I am going to throw the first punch" philosophy. A sore hand from knocking some idiot out hurts less than getting you teeth knocked out.
IMHO of course.