Did I make a mistake?
So, as many of you know, my DH have had our disagreements b/c of the sloppy skids. They're SS22 and SD16. I've done what some of you have suggested - let him clean up after them.
There's only one full bath so we ALL share it. It's gross really. So Saturday, SD16, for the third time, left a dirty tampon floating in urine in the toilet! I just left it there. When he walked in, he asked if I left it for him to see. I admitted that I did. (About 3 weeks ago, I told SD16 to make sure her tampons are properly flushed.) He flushed it and never said anything about it to SD.
Two weeks ago, SS22 and his girlfriend spilled something on his bed. He changed the linen. The dirty linen has been on the laundry room floor since then. This morning he woke up, put dirty dishes in the sink, revved up ONE of the cars his dad pays insurance on, and away he went.
So what am I supposed to say at counseling today?
My DH is a pushover, but that's cool, so am I.
You know what, the skids can mooch off of us forever; I don't mind spending my retirement money on ungrateful, lazy people.
Oh never mind, my standards must be too high, right?
That it's okay - I'll just flush her tampons to keep the peace?
Oh, I'll wash anything left on the floor of the laundry room.
Hey, why doesn't SD invite a boyfriend to spend every weekend, too. That way we can have both skids fornicating in our home.
Don't worry about helping out in the house skids. Your dad and I want to be your slaves.
I don't know if I made a mistake. I never realized my DH was such a pushover with the skids. Did I make a mistake? I hope not. And I hope counseling can help us.
- lisa510's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I often wonder about that. I
I often wonder about that. I seriously don't know. Why would any kid who loves his parent, make his life more difficult; I mean, they're old enough to realize that DH gets grief from me when they leave crap all over the place. Why would they do that? They want their dad to be alone? Maybe that's what they want.
I used to fantasize about my
I used to fantasize about my DH and I sitting on our deck on a cool Sunday morning; talking and just enjoying each other's company.
These days, I fantasize about having my own home, where everything is in order, I don't have to worry about my things getting used, having over night guests, finding dishes in my sink, seeing hair balls in the shower stall, finding mud prints on living room floor, sweeping dirt off the drive way, putting up with toothpaste spit in the sink, paying for utilities for folks who don't give a shit if I die or live!
I swear that I really think living apart for some time might wake him up. And if it doesn't,,,,,,,,,,,it wouldn't be the first time I failed in a relationship.
I have told her in a nice way
I have told her in a nice way about her stupid tampons! She is nasty; I hate to say it b/c I know she's a young person, but she should know better by now.
The sheets were mine!!! DH washed them last night! He's such a pushover.
We are in the process of building a master bedroom with a full bath. I paid 20K for that. That's why it's not so easy to get up and leave.
And DH told SS22 that he can move into old master bedroom when we move into the new one! I said no. SS can't keep a small bedroom clean, why give him a bigger one?! Plus, I don't have an office and my bio sons have to sleep in the living room when they come over. DH reluctantly agreed that I can have the old master bedroom. Now he doesn't know how to tell SS22 that he can't have the room
What he needs to tell SS22 is that he needs to move out on his own so he can screw his girlfriend under a roof HE pays for and not where dad and stepmom pay everything.
My 22 year old lives with me.
My 22 year old lives with me. She works full time and goes to college full time. She also helps out with chores, a lot. She left from 18-20 for college and then came back to finish.
She is allowed to have her fiancé stay the night, but he has been around for over 5 years and is a large part of our family.
Our rule is you can stay after high school IF you work at least part time and go to college full time.
Does your SS do anything? Why does your DH let him stay?
Stepmomto2 - question: My
Stepmomto2 - question: My swins refuse to flush. I think its sick too. I've been living there over 3 years, still they don't flush nor lift the seat up. I thinks its disrespect to DH (he goes in & flushes a few times a day) and esp to eachother because they share the bathroom. DH actually defends them and just says, they are boys & just don't remember. Why defend them and why flush for them at age 14? A a recent episode of 2 & 1/2 Men was on & the housekeeper forced Jake (kid) to clean his bathroom for hours b.c. he made a mess peeing. I loved that episode.
Hi lisa510 - I wanted to
Hi lisa510 - I wanted to write to let you know that, although my situation isn't literally as disgusting as yours (SD leaving tampon in unflushed toilet - that's just plain unacceptable & inexcusable), I am in a similar situation and you are not alone.
My BF has 2 kids from his previous marriage to BM - FSD16 & FSS13. They are generally good kids. However, they do not do any chores, they do not help clean anything and they are basically slobs (especially FSD16) overall - ESPECIALLY with their bedrooms.
My problem is that my BF adheres to the "non-parenting" method of raising skids. Only just recently (about 2 months ago), he told skids that there was a NEW RULE that they weren't allowed to bring food in their bedrooms anymore. I've been with my BF for 6+ years, living with him for about 3 years - and I told him 3 years ago that I didn't agree with him allowing skids to bring food into their bedrooms - they weren't cleaning up after themselves EVER and I was afraid we'd get bugs or rodents in our home from it. The only reason my BF finally came up with this NEW RULE is because FSD16 & FSS13 were horsing around in FSD16's room and a drink was accidentally spilled all over her bed as a result. I told them to immediately remove the wet bedding from the mattress before it soaked through - and I left it all for my BF to clean up and deal with. He yelled at them about it and FINALLY made this NEW RULE after over 3 years of ME suggesting it. By the way, he only ENFORCED the new rule for about 2 weeks after that incident. I have since seen empty food wrappers, empty water bottles, soda cans, dirty napkins, etc... in BOTH of skids' bedrooms recently since he enacted the new rule. Oh well, THAT was quick - I knew he would never follow-through.
I write that story because that's only one of dozens of examples of how skids are allowed by BF to just come & go as they please, never clean anything (not even required to make their beds) and have absolutely NO RESPECT for our home. My BF doesn't make any rules regarding chores and therefore, they do NOTHING. They don't have to even wash dishes because we have a dishwasher, but my BF doesn't make them rinse the dirty dishes and load the dishwasher - nevermind unload the clean ones. I could go on and on and on...
I have basically disengaged from "helping" to parent/raise skids for about 1 year now. Most of the time, it has its advantages. However, I could really use some good advice from other members here on this aspect of it - I feel it to be VERY negative all around:
1. Skids have no rules & no chores - just do what they want & come & go as they please - will result in future problems with us (me) having to constantly pick up the slack for these skids. When DH picks up after them, they learn NOTHING.
2. Skids will like having no rules & no chores - everything just handed to them on a silver platter - HENCE THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE!!
3. Since I have disengaged, and refuse to "pick up" after them, their bedrooms are constantly pigstys - I keep their bedroom doors closed when we have guests over - but COME ON, this is totally RIDICULOUS!!! It makes me feel like skids are "winning" and are running my/our home!! I pay some of the bills, for heavens sake, and I don't like keeping MY HOME this way!!
So far, I have found that this is the MOST DIFFICULT ASPECT of disengaging from skids BY FAR!! My BF will just keep picking up skids' slack and doing it himself (happily, like it's no big deal), but it's just teaching them to be LAZY ASSES that will EXPECT to be treated like this by everyone - like royalty that is ABOVE having to clean, do laundry, have ANY responsibilites!!
Oh, and as for a skid watching my BF mow the lawn every week - that's also one of my biggest pet peeves. Of course in the beginning of this summer, when my BF offered skids MONEY TO MOW THE LAWN, they were all for it. That lasted literally about 2-3 weeks. They don't like to mow the lawn (imagine, they actually have to break a sweat), so now my BF does it every week (and it's a fairly large lawn). I used to help him (I like doing yardwork) - now I rarely do. I've been hoping and praying for years now that EVENTUALLY my BF will see skids' laziness for who they REALLY are. Needless to say, I'm still waiting......
Thank goodness I'm not holding my breath over THAT one either....
Sorry I didn't mean to hijack your post. This one just irks me to NO END.
Oh, and by the way, I HAVE sat my BF down in the past and had a discussion with him about this. I suggested we give skids a chores chart and pay them an allowance to do them (which makes me VOMIT to have to actually PAY them to help out around the house, but WHATEVER). I told him this would help US to have a little more free time to enjoy our lives, since we both work full-time and he has to pay massive CS$$ to BM - that we needed some relaxation time & skids are old enough to help us out. He agreed & said he'd talk to skids about it...needless to say, I'm still waiting for THAT, too....
I am slowly starting to lose my patience with this aspect of disengaging & stepparenting.
The only solution I can think of, is to actually HIRE a cleaning lady to come every 2 weeks or so, and PAY HER to clean everything - and then make BF pay for it!!! I really can't think of anything else, because I absolutely REFUSE to feel like a slave to skids.
If anyone else has experienced this and has found a SOLUTION that works, please, please chime in here!!!!
Milomom and ALL others: DH
Milomom and ALL others:
DH and I went to counseling yesterday and it turned out to be about SD16! Whatever. Here's the synopsisl;
SD16 came to live with us 3 months after we married; her mom BF sent her elicit texts propositioning oral sex with her! I was definitely not ready to have a 16 y/o female
SS22 still lives at home; GF stays over on the weekends;
Both skids go to school and have part time jobs. Both skids are literally pigs! Both are stand-offish people
The fight between DH and I is primarily because I hate living with people who can't make sure their tampons flush properly, clean their spit out of the bathroom sink, wash their own dishes, etc.....
I told the counselor that I probably wouldn't be soooo irritated by one dish in the sink if the skids attempted to have a relationship with me. We don't relate, so I feel totally used by them. They ignore me and take advantage of their dad! I hate living with selfish, self-righteous people.
COUNSELOR IS A BIO MOM AND STEP MOM JUST LIKE ME!! Wow!
Her advice: pick your battles. In a few years the house will be empty forever. Would you rather look back and remember a happy home or a clean home?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....let me think!
WTF! Why can't it be happy and clean?! I don't get it. So, everything I complained to DH about went down the drain. He sat there and said, "they don't smoke, come home drunk, or cause me any problem. So if they're sloppy, I count my blessings." Isn't it their job to stay out of trouble. So now we reward kids for doing what they're supposed to do.
Stumped. I give up. Fuck it!
At first I was happy when you
At first I was happy when you mentioned that your counselor was BM and SM. But then she tells you to pull an ostrich. Ummm - me thinks it's time to shop for another counselor. How can that be right??
Wow, lisa510, that was so NOT
Wow, lisa510, that was so NOT the update to your blog that I was hoping for.
Oh, and just to validate your frustrations, I, too, have heard the same type of "no-expectations of skids" type of nonsense opinions like the one YOU received as well.
You aren't asking for much - what you are expecting is TOTALLY NORMAL, IMHO.
When I was in college, I had the SAME TYPE of expectations of my roommate in my dorm. MUTUAL RESPECT!!! This included cleanliness and general actions towards each other (i.e. quiet late at night when I had to study or had an exam early next am).
Wow, it truly never ceases to amaze me how you are even told by a "PROFESSIONAL" to bury your head in the sand and just ignore it all -because "someday" they are going to grow up and leave the nest. Are you freaking KIDDING me?? All THAT does is to cause "failure to launch" and these skids will live with us FOREVER, because they were never taught BASIC LIFE SKILLS (independence, manners, cleanliness/personal hygiene, etc...).
I'm reeling for you.
So DH and I just had YET
So DH and I just had YET another argument about the SS22. He believes that the kid should stay living here until he graduates college. I hate the fact that I'm supporting another person's kid, especially since I have no relationship with the kid and he does nothing around the house.
I can buy into the fact that the man has to stay until he finishes colleges. Okay.
I can't buy into the fact that the man's GF comes over every weekend for her weekend screw! But, this is what my DH accustomed his man-son to do way before I arrived, so I can only disagree. At this point, I don't know if I should really say, Okay, she can't be sleeping over.
NOTE!!!
I left my ex husband for another man (not this DH). It was the biggest mistake of my life! I live with that regret every second of my life; not so much because I left my ex-husband, but because of how immoral (IMO) it was to do. I hate myself for it and have not forgiven myself.
So while we arguing about SS22 having his GF over every weekend so they can screw, DH throws in my face that NOW I have morals, but when I was having an affair, where were they? low blow.......
All I'm asking DH to do is PREPARE SS22 to leave the nest. Help him start saving money and PREPARE him to pay for his own place to screw his GF.