How important is it?
DH has been struggling with XW#1 ever since they got divorced about putting SD into extra-curricular activities. The problem has never been that she was involved - the problem is that he was never consulted with on these decisions - he was just expected to comply. So we were jumping through hoops to get SD to this event and that event, no matter what our plans might have been. That stopped when SD decided a few years ago she was not coming over to Dad's house anymore. That lasted for a year until he charged BM with contempt a year after that decision was made. Since then, nothing has been scheduled during DH's visitation except for this weekend. We ask SD what time her game is and she told us it was cancelled. Hello? Isn't this something that XW should've told DH, preferably prior to getting SD for the weekend? I'm sure it was the last thing on her mind in worrying how or when her daughter would get home as she sped out of our driveway. What's worse is that today SD tells us "it's no big deal - it's just fall ball. It's not like it's for the school." So my question is - if it's no big deal, then why are you in it? and why are you going to useless practices when you could be home doing your homework and studying? And why is visitation being scheduled around an activity that doesn't matter?
I know DH won't say anything about this because he doesn't really care to be frank...i do care and i am tired of my weekends being dictated, come to find out at the last minute that plans have changed. As you probably know from my prior posts, I am a little anal retentive about planning.
What do you think? Has the BM in your life dictated your schedule like this? And what do you to deal?
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I don't understand- is this
I don't understand- is this the 1st weekend in a year something was planned on dh's weekend or has this been an on-going problem? If this is the first weekend AND it was cancelled then good! Seems there is no problem after all.
We just moved back to this
We just moved back to this area the end of March, which made the custody arrangement difficult to enforce. So BM decided that SD would visit once a month, so yes, this is the first time since we've been back that something was scheduled on DH's weekend.
It is good that it was cancelled but the fact remains that DH should've been told by BM as soon as it was announced, not by SD when she arrived, only after being asked.
You know, I am a firm
You know, I am a firm believer in people doing things themselves, so I agree with your comment about him asking if he wants to know. And DH did go outside to ASK BM about the softball game, but she was more concerned about peeling out of our gravel driveway than to speak with him. So when he went inside, he ASKed SD15 about her game and that's when he was told it was cancelled.
My issue is that he was given a schedule. What you're saying leads me to believe that you think he should ASK BM every day if something has changed, because that is the frequency that many changes are made - on a day-to-day basis. And to that I disagree. He ASKs BM to provide a schedule, which she does. Since she is the one who signed the child up, she should be the one to provide any updates as applicable, since she is the primary point of contact on this.
I believe we will need to agree to disagree on this one.
I am also going to disagree
I am also going to disagree with deliciairene on this one. It IS the bio mom's responsibility to let DH know when something has changed. She signed the child up for the activity and gets the correspondence. My SO and I have his kids every other week. BM signs them up for all kinds of sports, she only uses her email when registering them, rather than give both emails for updates. This way she can control what info we get and what info we don't get. She is notorious for NOT getting us the info until 10 minutes prior to activities. EVERY activity the kids are involved in, my DH has to get in touch with the coach to add his email to the list. We've told BM if she doesn't add him and he doesn't get the info until the last minute, skid will not be going to whatever event it is. Of course, DH doesn't follow through with that because he thinks it punishes skids. However, I fully believe that if he did follow through with that even a couple of times, BM would no longer do what she does.
NM - i understand what you're
NM - i understand what you're saying. The issue with this particular extra-curricular is that we DID get a schedule, so I knew this was scheduled. The problem is that the coach of this activity is SD's XSF and there is no doubt in my mind that XW#1 told him specifically NOT to put DH on the communication list (and being the spineless nincompoop he is, he agreed). The only reason I know anything is going on with this girl is because DH and I do exactly this - go online and get the schedules. I am very much into being in control of these situations so I know what I need to do to make sure we're involved. Thanks for your input.
As stated in my reply to your
As stated in my reply to your first post, i think the ONLY reason she is playing is because XSF is the coach. I asked SD how fall ball was going this year and she said "it sucks because we have all new people and we lose" so i'm sure this mentality is also playing into it. Not to mention that XW's priorities are also more important than this obligation - like scheduling a camping trip next weekend knowing SD has a game...but SD doesn't need to go because XW wants to go camping. I don't think activities should run your lives, but you sign the kids up for them expecting to have the kid to the events...i don't think it should be pick or choose. IMHO of course. Thanks again!
We have the same problem with
We have the same problem with our skids primarily SD. BM signs them up for everything, we don't even know what they are signed up for unless it lands on our weekend. The skids don't mention activities they are in cuz they have been told to keep secrets and not let dad know. A few years ago BM actually wrote out a list of the skids schedule and they had something everyday after school sometimes 2 activities. Both FDH and I thought that was ridiculous as when do the skids have time for homework and hanging out with friends. Now SD is in cheerleading, it used to be dance. And SS is in cross country. We have asked for schedules numerous times and she says oh I'll have to get it to you. We never get it. We can't go to activities when you don't even no which team the kid plays for, as they are private groups not park district.
I think what gets most annoying is she signs them up for said activity without seeing if its ok with FDH like the CO states, then expects him to pay her money for it. He's never given a schedule and all events are mandatory when skids are with us but when they are with BM they are optional. We've actually drove 45minutes to a baseball game for SS not to show up on more than one occasion when he's with BM.
Sorry never answered your original question just went on my own vent. SD chooses not to come over anymore so BM takes her to activities. We continue doing what we originally planned with SS. When SD does come over and we're not doing something 'fun' she complains but FDH actually told her I'm not doing something "fun" just cuz you decided to come. It's not my fault you don't come over when we have plans and no, I'm not telling you my plans so you can choose which is more fun to do. That's not fair to me or you. It's not right to make you choose your mom vs me.
Wow - sounds very similar. It
Wow - sounds very similar. It is frustrating because it's a matter of consideration. If the shoe were on the other foot, she would expect schedules and all of that so she could be involved. I think this, in it's own little way, is a symptom of PAS because everyone is reliant on her to get the information they need. As NM said above, we have to empower ourselves, but if you don't even have the basic information, that is a very difficult to do.
BTW, i like the response DH gave SD - this is how i feel about my SD because it seems she's only interested in coming when we're doing something fun, like going somewhere. I completely agree with him and i hope she understood what he said.
LOL Vicki...that is certainly
LOL Vicki...that is certainly a challenge. As mentioned above, I had the schedule so I made plans based on the schedule so we could be involved. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. My issue comes in where the plans have to change because of XW#1 being inconsiderate of anyone else's plans and not letting DH know. DH is responsible for SD but he is unable to drive long distances due to medical conditions so I am directly involved and affected.
BTW, O/T, what part of PA?
BM did try this once. She
BM did try this once. She said that we had to have SD at some stupid "tea party" that her friend was hosting. It was scheduled for a saturday from 11am-12pm. DH and I felt like she scheduled for a time that SD was with us on purpose, there were not many people invited and it would have been just as easy to have it on sundday when she returned home.Dh said he was sorry but that were not changing our plans for a one hour tea party that was 1/2 hour away.
I should also add that I am a
I should also add that I am a BM and I have been guilty of this as well. I have 2 children from my first marriage (ds11 & dd6). I have them involved in sports throughout the summer. Last year my older son went 2 nights and my daughter went 2 nights, not the same nights of course, that would be too easy! Their BF has them eowe and eo wed/thurs. So on wednesdays he took DS to his game and on thursdays he took DD to hers. It is only an hour long and he didn't mind but I felt like an ass for invading on his time. If he hadn't of taken them I wouldn't have been too upset. Also I did pay for both of them, I didn't ask him for money (he doesn't seem to ever have any anyway). This fall I signed DD up for a group she's been bugging me to join and I made sure it was on a tuesday so as not to interfer with any visitation.
Here's the question though
Here's the question though (and thank you for your input) - did you consult with their dad before you signed them up for these activities? In our case, XW#1 does not feel that she is required to coordinate with DH on these things - she has managed to make herself the sole decision maker for SD, except of course when SD fights back, then she wants DH to enforce the rules.
Ok here is my view. I'm a mom
Ok here is my view. I'm a mom to 3. My oldest are 4 and 5. They are dh's and my kids. We enjoy putting them in activities. So we so have busy schedules with basketball, dance, church, etc. We put them in sports/dance as a fun activity that is also exercise. Since my kiddos are young if they are too tired then we miss. Since we pay for these activities we rather they no miss though! As far as your sd missing a game that 'wasn't important' I think she means in compared to a school game. If she missed a school game then she'd get kicked off the team and it'd affect her grade. If she missed a league game then it doesn't affect her grades, so while important, it is not AS important. I grew up being extremely active in many things and there were so many benefits to being in extra-curriculars. So it is important to me that my kids are in activities too rather than stay home and do nothing. I also made straight A's in honor classes so my grdrs didn't suffer. So that is why my kids are in lots of things. However they don't have to split their time.
As a sm I see things differently too. I want ss to be able to do things and be involved in sports and whatever. But I don't like it interfering with our schedule. This is a tough situation. I mean do you has kids NOT do something because half the time it'll interfere with dad's schedule? Or do you let them do these activities and just change your schedule around? We are just getting into this. So far, if ss has a school related activity that is mandatory (games, meets, etc) then if it is dh's weekend, dh eta him there. And we live 2 hours away so this requires dh to stay the night with mil and give up an entire weekend. Yuck. If it is NOT mandatory (little league) then ss misses those games on dh's weekend. But like I said we live in another town. If we lives in the same town then dh would get him to those functions because it'd be easier. Part of being a parent is playing taxi to your kids
In your case I would have dh inform bm that unless he gets a schedule of events at te beginning o each season then on his weekends, the kids will miss their activities. However if dh can get them to a few then that would be good, but don't tell bm that and don't have her expect that all the time. If she provides a schedule & the kids genuinely enjoy what they do then have dh take them. If she doesn't give a schedule then you are free to make your own plans.
I was the same way - involved
I was the same way - involved in everything. I understand what you're saying but at the same time, I honestly don't think it is important to her, period. Her XSF is the coach of her team, the team has new people on it, and quite frankly, if it doesn't fit in with BM's schedule, it's just not that important.
I think my issue overall is 1) BM NEVER asks if it's okay, particularly if the events fall on DH's weekend; 2) BM provided a schedule but doesn't provide updates; and 3) It's BM's way or no way - if it works for her schedule, fine - if not, it's not happening.
BM tried to tell us at one
BM tried to tell us at one point that we were not allowed to contact her parents and if her parents contacted us (to see kiddo) that we were to immediately call her so that she could schedule something. Basically we very politely told her to go to hell. We told her that she has no say in what happens at our house or what kiddo does when he is not with her and that we felt it was in kiddos best interest for him to keep seeing his grandparents. And legally, she doesnt have any say when he isnt with her, which is always. Then we ignored all the screaming and cussing and crying and temper tanrum throwing. And eventually she stopped.