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Meltdown Last Night

WifeVersion2.0's picture

Submitted by WifeVersion2.0 on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 12:42pm

I'm usually a pretty sane, confident, intelligent, level headed woman.

Last night, I was not. I'm not sure what got into me. It's like all of the logical thoughts in my head were replaced by studpid emotions that are completely absurd.

For instance:
LOGIC - My DH loves me completely and married me because he wants to be with me.
ABSURD - If BM made a strong enough play for him, DH would take her back so that he could have his kids full-time.

LOGIC - DH only talks to BM when he needs to communicate about the kids.
ABSURD - DH and BM spend all this time talking about the "good old days" and reminiscing about their time together when the kids were little.

LOGIC - I have 2 kids, He has 2 kids, they are ages 8-14. I really don't want to start over with an "our" baby.
ABSURD - DH and BM have a bond that we don't have so he must love me less/differently and he won't love me the same unless we have a child together.

I'm not sure why my buttons were so easily pushed last night. I'm not sure when/how/why I let BM move in and take up so much space in my mind. If it was another SM coming to me with this crap I would tell her to knock it off and realize that she is being stupid and to stop acting like a jealous teenager.

I know deep in my mind, heart and soul that my DH is crazy about me. I know that I am better in just about every way than his ex. My problem seems to be that I can't "NOT CARE". I can be mad at his ex, I can be annoyed, I can be nice, I can be vengeful, I can come up with evil plots, I can come up with acts of kindness.....I can do all of these things but I don't know how to NOT CARE. This is another woman that impacts my household financially and schedule wise but I'm expected to NOT CARE about her.

I WANT TO NOT CARE. I want to be that wife that lets her husband handle his own business with his ex wife and not care about every little detail. Why do I care how long they talk? Why do I care that he calls and asks her questions instead of calling her and asking for the kids and asking them the questions? Why do I care that she calls him and asks him for directions when she's lost? Why do I care that he's playing peek-a-boo and holding her new baby? These are STUPID things to care about. He's not cheating on me so why does it feel like I'm having to share my DH with another woman?

OK - I feel a little better getting all of that out of my system. I really hope this all gets easier.....please tell me I'm not totally insane!

Comments

WHERESMYWART's picture

Submitted by WHERESMYWART on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 12:45pm

YOU ARE NOT INSANE!!!!! Smile

I think we all sometimes have these breakdowns and sometimes need the extra assurance that we are the ones they love.

Moon Child Step Mom's picture

Submitted by Moon Child Step Mom on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 12:56pm

I’m proud of you for even having logical counter thoughts… I know most times when the creeper thoughts star taking over logical thought can go right out the window!

It’s very very normal to have those feelings… your DH and BM do have that “child bond” and it can feel like because they share that strong emotion towards the children that there may be some reminiscent feelings for each other. Sooooo not true though. I know with my DH he tries not to even think in terms of “their” children. For the longest time he would say, “the best part of Mother Russia was given to those two boys” (which always made my skin crawl a little) now he says, “there’s nothing of Mother Russia even in those kids… she was just the incubator that carried them.” Believe me… a father can have unimaginable devotion and love for a child and not even register the mother in the equation.

Quick question… did your DH leave the marriage first or was BM the one who left..? I’m seeing more insecurities with women whose husbands were left by the BM as apposed to the ones who know their husband ran screaming from their old situations. Kind of a secret fear that “if she never left he’d still be with her”. Does that make sense..?

WifeVersion2.0's picture

Submitted by WifeVersion2.0 on Wed, 09/29/2010 - 1:13pm

Thanks for the response.

I know the kid-feeling thing is illogical because I have 2 kids of my own and that doesn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy about my ex! Smile So why I can't transfer that knowledge to the other side of the fence so to speak is beyond me! DH has told me numerous times that part of the reason he married me was so that his kids would have a good "Mom" role model in addition to the one they got stuck with.

To answer your question - I'm not really sure who wins the award for leaving. They each have their own versions. It was a very volatile relationship that had escalated to physical abuse by both parties. Cops were called by both multiple times. She kicked him out, she filed for the divorce but he didn't seem to mind either one other than feeling like he had failed. They've been divorced since 2001.