Muddling through BM's IM's...

So, yesterday I posted about the IM I received from BM about the CS back in April. I haven't read through those messages since the day I received them until yesterday. I read through them again this morning, & I see such a range between what seem to be polite remarks & then some downright hateful remarks. The correspondence between us spanned over 2 days, I believe. I'm not sure if she's honestly trying to be kind & is just bad at it, or if she's being nice in a snide way. I know from my side, I make every effort to be fair. Deep down, I have days where I truly feel sorry for her & what she's done to her life. There are other days where I just feel livid toward her for being so freaking selfish & for what she's done to DH & their children, & when I read her messages, I'm so pissed off at the way she turns everything around on DH. I honestly try to be civil in my interaction with her. I honestly wish her real happiness in life. She's been miserable person since she was a child growing up with a mother who just didn't give a crap. She's expressed anger toward her mother, yet she did the same thing to her kids. I'm not sure I have specific questions, but if you read through our convo & have any thoughts, I'd like to know how it comes across to others.

*Stormabruin: April 29 at 11:22am Report
I'll understand if you don't want to accept my friend request. I don't want you to feel obligated. I did want to extend it, though.

Wishing the best for you & the kids!

*BM: April 29 at 6:12pm Report
Thanks Stormabruin, hope marriage is better for u then it was for me! LOL I'm busy a lot with the kids and I do think it would be a great way for DH to talk to them. I think they would like that if he would make effort. I'm sure he misses them and they are so grown now, it's unbelievable!! Thanks for the request, but not sure why you would request me as a friend? Wishing u all the best with DH in your marriage. Good Luck......

*BM: April 30 at 6:29pm Report
Hey Stormabruin, why don't u put your wedding pics up so we can c how beautiful your wedding was? We would love to c them!!! Heard it was nice.......

*Stormabruin May 4 at 10:45am Report
They are up. It rained all day, but was still a good day.

*BM May 4 at 12:01pm Report
I'm sorry to hear that... Soo very glad DH finally found happiness with u!! Really and truly. And I am very happy for u both!!

Great pics by the way!! SS and I are looking at them now. Do u guys have internet at home?

*Stormabruin: May 4 at 12:15pm Report
Thanks! No, we don't. I'm on at work, & the only time DH gets on is when we go to SIL's house, which isn't often.

*BM: May 4 at 12:41pm Report
I see, you guys have to understand and pls tell DH, that the kids are still upset with both of you right now. Due to DH had always told them he would never marry again. I think it is a wonderful thing!!! But, SS17 thought his dad should have asked him to be his Best Man and SD14 was just mad over all the lies he had told. I'm sorry for that.I feel he should have been honest with them and told them the truth, that he loves u and has loved you. But he put this on his self. I told SD14 yesterday to write u back, if she didn't that would just be rude. I want nothing more then our kids to have a positive relationship with both of you, but right now they are still hurting inside due to his lies, and that,Stormabruin comes from them. SS17 will be 18 soon and he already has a car so I think the court order when he turns 18 goes away, but u know U remember everything u have heard there is always 2 sides to every story. I bless u both in your marriage and pray for you.

*Stormabruin: May 4 at 12:59pm Report
I absolutely understand. I understand their feelings. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand all sides of the situation, & I know that it has been hard on everyone. I don't know what all has been said between DH & the kids. I know that they have had a hard time with us being together. I honestly have tried my best to be a positive part of their lives, and will continue to do so. I know they don't care to have me in their lives, but hope that one day they will let DH back in. I believe they are hurt. Like you said, there are 2 sides to every story. That's why I have always tried to be understanding of you & what you have dealt with. Of course I have heard people talk about things from when you & DH were together, but I am a very open-minded person & I think for myself. I know that he has been hurt, & that's the side I've heard. I do know that there is another side. I know better than to pass judgements based solely on what I'm told by someone else. I'm not going to try to fight DH's battles for him. I don't feel it's my place. I will say that he misses them terribly & also feels hurt. As angry as they are with him, I hope that they know he loves them & wants more than anything to have a relationship with them. That's as far as I can go with it. I do hope that one day they will be able to salvage things. Thank you for your thoughts & blessing. We pray for you & the kids as well.

*BM: First, DH has never been a believer in GOD... No matter what he has said. We were together for a long time and seemed like an eternity for me. Yes I loved him with everything in me for so long that he walked all over me!! I will say no more about him and i what was. The past needs to stay in the past. I'm glad to hear that u think for yourself because I was really wondering if you were falling into the same way I was with him. I was feeling sorry for you, but since you explained how you feel, I have a better understanding about you now. Another thing, SD14 I know really likes you more then her dad!!! She trusts you more. SS is and will always be a daddy's boy. Which is fine, but they need time to heal, and with everything in life, time heals all wounds, but we never, ever forget. Stormabruin, I know that family all too well and I know you have been with DH for awhile now, but I'm telling you unless he has changed drastically, then sweetie you have a long way to go. I'm glad you are happy and DH too. I will tell SS17 and SD14 both of you love them!!!

BM: May 4 at 1:26pm Report
By the way, I did tell the kids DH called on Easter and they listened to his message. I'm not a bad person at all, I want what my kids want and that is happiness, security and to be loved, that simple. I wish things could be different, I really do for their sake, but they have all those things and more, I just wish he would have been a better father, because I loved his dad and he loved me, you would have loved him too. Anyway,nice chatting with you, maybe we can do this again sometime.

*Stormabruin: May 4 at 1:30pm Report
I understand them needing time, & I absolutely understand that we never forget. I know they have their own minds & think for themselves. They certainly are entitled to their feelings, whatever they may be. I appreciate you letting them know.

*BM: May 4 at 1:47pm Report
That's my whole point is their feelings!! Not DH's or mine or yours. If you look at DH's nephew and DH's niece at their ages now think of SD at 14 and SS at 17 the way they feel now about DH? It's horrible for them!!! And they certainly have their own minds, feelings and thoughts of their own and will continue to be that way. Just let DH know pls, they do love him very much, they never talk about him anymore, but I know as their mom how they feel, I wished he would have listened to me way back when I told him not to push them. He thought I was doing whatever he thought in his head out of meanness? And that wasn't true at all, I was trying to let him know how they were feeling and he wouldn't listen. Now look what happened, he lost them in their minds and hearts, it was not me who took him to court last time that was all SS17!!! He is much smarter then DH gives him credit for. SD14 is almost 14 now and I hope he never tries anything silly again, because she will do the same thing. Gosh, I hate this more then anyone, stuck right in the middle!! But, DH knows our kids come first, always have ,always will. Oh, last thing for you, that I want you to know I left to get off of the drugs regardless of what you heard, and the mental abuse, along with physical, I hope u never, ever have to go thru that with him!!! Gotta go, Thanks!!

*Stormabruin: May 4 at 2:33pm Report
I wasn't meaning to make this about me or DH or you. That's why I kept it where I did as far as fighting DH's battles. I want to let you know that I respect your position as their mother & I respect DH's position as their father. I respect & love SS & SD for who they are as individuals, & hope for real happiness for them in life, & for you.

*BM May 4 at 4:00pm Report
Right back at ya!!!

I got this message the following morning...

BM: May 4 at 10:28pm Report
Why did u block your pics again? SD wanted to see them..... U guys do a lot of things I don't understand?

*Stormabruin: May 5 at 8:49am Report
I thought you had all looked at them. I'll put them back up. There was nothing personal behind me blocking the pics. I've always had them set to where friends can see them...same as a lot of people on Facebook do.

*BM: May 5 at 9:35am Report
ok, well yesterday we were not friends on here, so to speak, even though we were talking and we could see all of your pics then? SD had just wanted to see them, that's all. No big deal.

*Stormabruin: May 5 at 9:36am Report
I made that album public again. Let me know if you can't get to them.

*BM: May 5 at 10:14am
Yeah. thanks

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Comments

She sounds a bit like Dr.

She sounds a bit like Dr. Jeckyl & Mr. Hyde. Once minute she is "just concerned for the kids" and the next minute she's warning you to watch out for what DH might do to you because he may or may not of done something to her. And then of course she feels the need to defend herself at the same time she bad mouths your DH. I wouldn't trust her and she definitly comes off as a wolf in sheeps clothing. IMO, I would take everything she says with a grain of salt and not trust her or be friends with her - just keep it about the kids.

I've been in this situation

I've been in this situation long enough & seen enough of her in action to know she can't be trusted. Most people I can get at least a general idea of their take on a situation. She's so wishy-washy, & her tone changes from sentence to sentence. She started blaming DH for all the crap & I tell her I'm not going to fight DH's battles for him, & that I was limiting my thoughts to the kids. She goes into accusing him of abusing her & then in the same breath says the past needs to stay in the past. I return her happy blessings & prayers & she states that DH has never been a believer in God, & then goes on to say that it needs to be about the kids. WTH???

The BM I deal with has done

The BM I deal with has done the same thing. Most of the correspondence between us was completely hateful but there was ONE time where I almost got through to her while trying to tell her the sames things you said. "i'm just trying to respect her as the mom" and "letting DH handle things because its not my place" etc.. she almost started talking like a normal person but then she turned it around again to make herself look like the victim. She's not concerned about keeping it about the kids; she concerned with keeping everyone under her control and manipulating everyone. The fake nice doesn't last very long before the REAL BM starts to come out.

A breakthrough was my hope.

A breakthrough was my hope. I have no interest in making her life ugly. I have no interest in impeding her relationship with her kids. I just want her to see that I'm not a bad person. She mentioned once that the kids told her I smile all the time & laugh a lot, but she said it like it was a bad thing. I guess because I'm a cheerful happy person & she's miserable she's bitter.

OMG!!!!! I was just having

OMG!!!!! I was just having some serious flashbacks reading this......ewwwww. She is playing mindfu*k games with you. It is in your best interest to stay as far away from this female as you can. Jeckyl & Hyde is a great analogy. She is attempting to divide and conquer using something that's called a 'smear campaign.' I would bet a dollar to a doughnut that if she were speaking to your DH, she would turn the tables on you. Her obsessive need to see your wedding photo's......creepy as hell. She is also projecting HER feelings and thoughts onto her children which will make it damn near impossible for them to maintain any semblence of a decent relationship with you or their father. Tread very carefully.

I think she's trying to play

I think she's trying to play both sides and turn you and DH against each other. She's talking smack about DH to you and talking smack about you to DH. What would she love more if she were the one to be responsible for you guys fighting and possibly splitting up?. Good thing you're smarter than her....

OKAY - YOU AND I SHARE THE

OKAY - YOU AND I SHARE THE SAME BM - OMG - this could be IM's from the witch that is the ex - except I would never never never try to friend her or even IM her.

She is nuts - what she is doing is classic - trying to make herself appear wonderful and your DH is a piece of shit. Have nothing to do with her. I once had a 2 hour long conversation with BM who progressively got more and more drunk as the conversation went on. She told me that my DH was a great father but a lousy husband - I told her that it was hard for him to be a great husband to her because she was sleeping around and most people that I told about her agree - well the conversation went way downhill from there.

I also wrote her a letter the next day and told her that DH is an awesome husband and friend and that she needs to keep any criticisms of him to herself.

As I am writing this I just remembered that DH for the first few months after the divorce had her passwords and would get into her email and made copies of certain things in case it got nasty in court about custody for SS. In one of the emails she went on and on about how abusive DH was to her emotionally and mentally and that she was glad that he had moved on and good luck to the next one - that being me. I love my DH and have never felt any abuse from him - she is just a whack job and wants to have sympathy from people. Even some of her family don't agree with the way she treated him they actually sided with DH on the whole divorce.

The sad part is that these women lived one way and a few years down the road they all of a sudden remember their own story not the reality but their own made up stories.

Exactly, my DH has said that

Exactly, my DH has said that BM tells her lies so much that she convinces herself that they are the truth. Scary

SS said something in

SS said something in counseling, that he remembers DH hitting BM when he was little. The counselor mentioned it to DH & DH was mortified. Of course, he denied it to the counselor, who just looked at him like, "Yeah right". DH called BM to find out what it was all about. She said, "Yeah, remember that time we were looking for me a place to live & you were mad that I was leaving & you were driving & punched me in the face & blacked my eye?"

DH laughed in disbelief & said, "BM, you know good & well I've never punched you."

She said, "Well, SS remembers it. Who am I to tell him what he did or didn't see?"

My comment to DH was, "Really??? You were so mad about her moving out that you punched her in the face, & all of this went on when you were driving down the road with the kids in the backseat? *giggle* So, what BM is suggesting is that even with all of this anger in you, you & her packed up the kids & made it a family outing to go in search of a new home for mommy so she could leave you???"

ROFLMAO!!!

Sadly, she has repeated things like this so many times over so many years that it seriously is making the kids believe they've witnessed these things.

I'm relieved I'm not the only

I'm relieved I'm not the only one seeing this. I know a lot of people take offense when there really is none intended. I didn't want to chance being overly sensitive or judgemental & continue harboring all of these feelings & uncertainties if other people could read her messages & see nothing wrong with them.

I've never shared the detail of this conversation with DH. I told him I'd been in contact with her, but he never asked for details, & I couldn't see any positive coming from sharing her thoughts with him.

As far as her claims to

As far as her claims to abuse, she's the little boy who cried wolf. She's mad the accusation, filed the police report, got the protective order & after rehab came back to the kids & family & admitted she'd lied out of fear of losing her kids. She was trying to prove him unfit. She goes back & forth with it now. The kids have no idea...& probably will never feel confident that their dad never hit their mom. I've experienced 2 abusive relationships, & even with that history, in the 9 years I've been with DH, I've never felt afraid of him. I've never felt concerned that he would hurt me, & I feel 1005 confident that he never will. As a true victim of abuse, it's incredibly difficult to get to that point, but with DH, I've never felt threatened. Her statement about him never being a believer in God...she posts that she's a believer in the Wiccan religion herself. She refused to get married in a church. Where the hell did that statement come from??? I simply returned her comment. DH was the one who suggested to me that we find a church to attend together. I seriously wonder if she has some kind of mental disorder that makes her behave this way.

I never have been one to

I never have been one to share details or information with her about our home or our relationship. I don't forward DH's thoughts simply because I won't put myself in the position of being accused of lying or twisting things.

It's been hard for me to accept that things have to just stay grey between us. The 2 friends I have who are in step situations are really good friends with their BM's...like they go out together just the 2 of them & call just to chat, like real BFF's. I don't need to be her BFF, but I HATE that it has to be so uncomfortable & completely fake.

I do the fake nice when we're face-to-face so as not to cause a scene with the skids there, & she does it back. Every now & then we'll try to one-up each other...like to a sickening point, but I've promised DH & I've promised myself that I will never give her a reason to down me. I understand that doesn't mean she won't, but it will all be "she said". There will never be a witness to back her up, because it will NEVER happen.

Thank you. I was literally

Thank you. I was literally shaking with fury through the bulk of it, & felt so overwhelmed I was in tears. It took EVERYTHING in me to choose my words wisely. As I've mentioned before, I have sworn to myself I will NEVER give her anything to "get me" with. The kids will NEVER see anything negative from me to her. She's blown that opportunity out of the water for herself. I do put a lot of hope in the kids taking notice of that someday. I'll never point it out, but I hope my actions will speak to them at some point.

I don't feel like I took back

I don't feel like I took back the olive branch. I let her know I didn't want her to feel an obligation to accept my request. She let me know she didn't want to accept it. I'm fine with that. The last time I'd seen her in person before this conversation, she approached me & initiated a hug & I said, "Thank you so much for inviting us". Her reply was, "You know, there's no reason we can't be friends". Those were our last words. I took it to mean we were on decent terms.

We have had phone conversations where she had opportunities to share her side. She would ask questions about DH & I & I would let her know that I didn't feel it was my place to discuss those things without DH present to say his piece. She accused him of not allowing her to work or have friends. Come to find out as I'm going through papers in the file cabinet, she'd kept letters she'd written to some guy she worked with that she'd been cheating with & told him that she could no longer continue her job there because she couldn't be around him with the temptation & if DH found out she was cheating again she'd have no where to live. I also found a letter DH had written to her when she was wanting to come back. He stated that one of the terms in her coming back was that she had to get a job. The thing about her friends is also bogus because she would go "out with her friends" & stay gone for days/weeks/months. I have never rebutted her claims. I've never expressed doubt. I've never tried to make an explanation or state anything to go against her comments. My replies have pretty much been, "Okay" "Oh really?" (with no hint of sarcasm) & "I understand". I've never cut her off or aruged anything she said. I've been very open to hearing anything she has to say.

DH was very hard on himself for their marriage failing. He accepted responsibility for his choices & for hers. For some reason, he was actually reluctant to blame her for what was hers to accept. In fact, the comment she made about leaving to get off drugs...his explanation for her leaving was that he didn't help enough with the kids & it caused her too much stress. Although he had told me she'd been a user (because I found a thing she wrote about a dream...wondering if the terrors were coming because of LSD use) he never shamed her in labeling her as a druggie. She called herself out on that.

Really, the fact that it was

Really, the fact that it was in print was what made me bite my tongue. I know her well enough to know that at the slightest insinuation of negativity, she would beckon them to the computer to read my ill words.

There's no question about

There's no question about what she's said to the kids. Why she thinks she could say things to little kids & think they'd keep it to themselves, I'll never know. LOL! Before we moved in together, she did try to break us up, telling me he was spending every weekend at her house. Little did she know (& I didn't tell her) the weekends were the only days I was spending with him. As bad as I wanted to call her out on what I knew to be fact, my reply was, "Oh, really?" And she went on to say that they were trying to work things out & that they were wanting to get back together. My reply was, "Well, he's a grown man & makes his own choices. I won't try to hold him back. If that's what he chooses to do, I'll support it 100%".