Triangulating
My oldest SD is beautifully rambunctious at 13.
She is a little bit unruly and has begun a habit of almost triangulating her divorced parents. It's actually pretty easy to do since they can't seem to get along most of the time and spend a great deal of effort either stroking their own ego on who is a better parent.. or pointing the finger when the other makes a mistake.
For example... when my skids' mom refused to contribute any monies to the purchasing of school supplies, and my husband in turn bought all of them but then had a candid conversation with the girls about waiting to get school clothes to perhaps when temperatures had dropped... and they could wear their summer clothes for the first weeks. AND to which SD13 agreed... but then turned to her mom and complained that she needed school clothes and dad wouldn't buy her any. At least that's the story mom had which was in turn disputed by SD who said she never said anything to mom.
It caused a pretty relentless argument... and amazingly where mom said she had no money, suddenly she was buying new school clothes.
I witnessed a chesire grin of sorts when her dad confronted her about their conversation...
Hmmph.
Last night, I listened as she complained about her mom and her having an argument about her mom's tendency to "take on" the likes of whoever she is dating (or now married to). There's truth to it... I saw mom in a Football T-shirt and told my husband that her new husband must be a fottball fan. Where she used to be a hockey fan being that the last guy was a hockey fan. My SD picked up on the exact same thing and in turn called her mom out on it. Mom got pretty mad at told her she didn't know what she was talking about.
SD told on mom to Dad.
Dad totally validated SD. Dad rather enjoyed the realization of his daughter.
I wonder if SD doesn't do the same with mom though...
I feel like I'm seeing a pattern. Wondering if she's learned this habit from her mom... who functions quite often in this triangulating technique. She does it to her family members constantly including her own divorced parents. She's done it between my husband and whomever her SO is at any given time... or her mother... or her friends... and on and on.
I also know that it's a pretty common trait for a teenager whose parents are divorced and perhaps is just trying to get what she needs (or wants) from whoever is willing to give it. She's a smart little cookie. It's a common trait for these little ones to be so gosh darned intuitive...
I adore her so, but I really think I'm picking up on a bad habit of hers. I also don't really see her doing to me... although she tried a couple times, and I called her out on it and told her she needed to respect what her father had decided.
I also talked to her dad about it and get the sense that maybe I need to leave this to them to figure out.
Anybody else experience this?
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Comments
I think at 13 divorced kids
I think at 13 divorced kids or intact family type kids try and play both sides to get what they want. You know where one parent says no and then go and ask the other. Just with seperated parents it's easier especially if they don't communicate well. And with BM buying the kid clothes, be happy at least she helped out and for the winter type clothes you now have a good Christmas present for SD. As for noticing what type of person her BM is, I think the older kids get the more their eyes opened and they start to think for themselves. And as their life experiences grow, they'll see and hopefully come to more realizations of what is true.
Yep, I witnessed this with my
Yep, I witnessed this with my SS as well. Probably starting when he was about 9 years old - he was a master manipulator and the BioParents played right into his hands. It took my DH a few years to learn how to sidestep those triangulation techniques. In then end, DH mastered a few standard responses for SS: "I don't need to know what BM did/said" and "Your mom and I just happen to disagree on the best way to parent you".
My ss(12) could teach a class
My ss(12) could teach a class on triangulation. He is a master-he started about age 4 and it is better now, but only because all of the adults finally started to get a clue. He triangulates everyone-me and bm, bm and dh, me and dh, grandma and bm, his stepsibs and dh. Everyone. This served him well for many years-some of us caught on quicker than others. BM was the last to fall in line and both dh and her still have problems at times believing their precious boy does anything wrong-but for the most part they get it. It will not change until all adults realize what is going on and are willing to put a stop to it.
"I wonder if SD doesn't do
"I wonder if SD doesn't do the same with mom though..."
I always thought the same thing and it was shown to be true later.
" Wondering if she's learned this habit from her mom... who functions quite often in this triangulating technique."
From reading DH's response- you know what I'm thinking...she's learning thru both of them. It works- saw that a lot between STBX/SD from the very beginning.
"I adore her so, but I really think I'm picking up on a bad habit of hers. I also don't really see her doing to me... although she tried a couple times, and I called her out on it and told her she needed to respect what her father had decided."
That's tricky too- b/c SD started to turn against me about the time she realized she couldn't do this to me, and turned her focus to trying to do it to dad about me. Tread carefully here my friend.
"I also talked to her dad about it and get the sense that maybe I need to leave this to them to figure out."
Yes and no. Be careful again by letting them figure it out. I would suggest you model for them whenever possible, for your H too. I won't go into tons of detail but you know my tale too well.
Hang on to your hat CG...13 and up is a tough ride with a bpd mom in the pic.