Bipolar SD's BM no longer wants to live with her.
HI everyone. This is my first post and I don't know where else to go.
I have been with my BF for about 10yrs now. When we first met I learned he had a daughter, but she lived pretty far so he got her maybe one weekend a month. Throughout the years a lot of stuff has happened with her, but last year shit hit the fan. She was bakeracted over 4x, ran away from home, hit her sister, and a lot of other things. She was diagnosed bipolar last year which is hereditary as her mom is manic depressive and her aunt has bipolar as well.
I've never wanted to have kids and honestly I don't really like them. Within the past few years I've been more adamant about it and he is ok with it because he already has a daughter. I hang out with her while she's here but due to her behavior last year, little by little I've grown to not like her at all. She doesn't think about consequences nor about how her actions make anyone else feel.
Long story short, her BM can't deal with her anymore. She has reached her boiling point and is threatening to either send her to live with us or to the state to live in a group home. I've had this conversation with my BF before and I don't want to live with her (we own a home together). I know I would grow to resent him and would hate my life. As much as I love him, that's where I draw the line. He's heart broken about it and I just feel like a total asshole for standing my ground. He's a great dad but due to my schedule being more flexible, I know I will be handling the bulk of it. Am I an asshole for not letting her move in with us? :/
No, you are not an asshole.
No, you are not an asshole.
How old is your SD?
I get that your BF probably feels the need to step up but he has to take into consideration what exactly that would entail and how it would affect you, him, and the relationship. First of all, you absolutely cannot be expected to handle the bulk of it. But even so, just her living with the two of you, is going to change EVERYTHING.
The thing about these types of situations, where the father really hasn't had much parental interaction with their kid over the years, is that the kid has absolutely no respect for the parent, as a parent. There is no respect, there is no loyalty, there is no familiarity. You will both be living with a virtual stranger, who probably doesn't give a crap about either of you.
It will be hell.
By the way, you don't really know if he is a great dad or not. You will certainly find out if she lives with you, though, and you might be surprised.
If it's to the point that BM can't deal with her and would put her in a group home, I'm wondering if she needs more help than your BF can give.
She goes to a psych,
She is 14. She goes to a psych, therapist and takes meds as well. We've tried everything and nothing gives tbh.
He was a bit of a distant father at first but once her behavior started getting worse, he manned up and started being more proactive. I know he's not the best dad, but he would be a good one. She listens to him at times, but she barely listens to anyone either way. She doesn't listen to me at all and I just have no patience for her BS.
I know it will be HELL ON EARTH. I guess I feel like an asshole because I picture most people would jump at the chance and go into it with all positive and excited, but I am the total opposite. I don't want to throw away our relationship, but he knows if he wants to take her in he would have to move out with her.
All I can tell you is, if he
All I can tell you is, if he REALLY feels he needs to do this, then he needs to move out and do it, and it will either work for his daughter's benefit or it will backfire, but you will not be to blame, either way. I know it's hard on you, but he needs to make the decision. He knows where you stand (and I don't blame you one bit). You don't want to be the one he blames if he has regrets that he didn't try.
That being said, he needs to really think about this and the consequences that could ensue. Is BM being hasty? Will she change her mind a week after SD moves with her dad? Will SD run away a week after she moves in with her dad? Is everyone just making emotional decisions, without really thinking things through? What will the legalities be? Will custody legally change? Will BM pay child support? Is there a better solution?
This is not just a fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants decision.
You are right to be cautious
I dont know whether you guys should say yes or no but I wanted to say I validate your feelings and I would be apprehensive, too. "Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs".
I agree your feelings and
I agree your feelings are valid. I wouldn't want any part of that either. However, I'm going to go against what most people will write on here and say that with BM giving up on her, Dad needs to step up as a parent. Even if that means you two don't live together or continue your relationship. I don't normally feel that putting children above your relationship/marriage is best but in this circumstance, I do.
At this point, I'm standing
At this point, I'm standing my ground and allowing him to make his choice. If he chooses her, I completely understand and it will suck but it's his kid. He loves her unconditionally and I don't want to come in between that. Honestly, I don't think she will get any better living with him as he'd probably have to move back in with family but that's up to him.
Something I would have to discuss and advise the BM is that if he chooses to keep full custody that CD payments will definitely have to stop. I can luckily afford our home on my own for the time being but he can't so he would have to move out and would need the CS money to help. I wonder if that will change the BM's mind??
CS has often been known to
CS has often been known to change a BM's mind. That's why I stressed that ALL legalities need to be considered. Your BF needs to do this legally, if he is going to do it. Men often let the BM slack, to their own detriment. They feel that it's not manly, or whatever, to demand CS from the BM, but it's not about that. It's not about pride. It's about providing for the child and BOTH parents need to do that, so if he were to take custody, she would need to pay CS, to help him properly care for their daughter.
I sent a pm
I sent a pm
I assume your DH has a job that he works at
How is he going to work and take care of his DD. How is he going to get her to school, to medical appointments, cook and clean. By himself? It's a great thing that he want to help. But he has to start making arrangements for DD care
He needs care givers to deal with DD when he works. You are not the de facto nurse, babysitter, and maid
If he does take her, he will
If he does take her, he will more than likely move in with his parents for sometime so she'd help out but not much because she works too. He'd have to figure all of that out as I'm not having her move in with me.
BM is bluffing. As hereiam
BM is bluffing. As hereiam suggests, your bf needs to raise the issue of $upport and health in$urance with BM. Odds are that alone will cause her to drop the issue.
Your bf has stars in his eyes, thinking he'll be rescuing his pwincess and will it be like that old tv show The Courtship of Eddie's Father. Except Eddie was cute and well behaved, and there was a full time, subservient Japanese housekeeper who did all the work. Have you had any indepth, detailed discussions of what having his daughter live with you looks like? As in breaking down a day in the life?
I've been through this twice, and both times got stuck doing more for the skid in question than either bio parent was doing. I also had to struggle with YSD's emotional problems (also genetic, undiagnosed BPD) that dominated our household. It was a long time ago, before StepTalk was created. Don't be a dumb bunny like I was; go over all of this with your bf NOW, before he commits to taking SD full time. I'm telling you as a childfree person, it will kill your relationship while sucking the marrow from your bones and the money from your purse.
I honestly haven't gone that
I honestly haven't gone that in depth because her living with me isn't an option. I don't want to sacrifice my sanity and life for her or him. I've chosen to not have kids for a reason and honestly she's helped keep me motivated and taking my birth control by just being herself lol.
It's also not like he is wearing rose colored glasses and doesn't see the red flags. He sees them plainly but if BM does give up custody, he won't just let her go to a group home. He's not happy about it but he knows where I stand. We haven't talked much about it today because we've had this same convo before and I'm not budging. It's just a shitty situation all around.
"... but if BM does give up
"... but if BM does give up custody ..."
I assume it varies by state, but in many it isn't easy for a parent to give up custody and the state/county can require parents to pay cs to cover the expenses of a group home placement.
I admire you for making your stance clear. Have you considered Living Apart, Together? LAT couples are very much committed to each other but live separately. I wouldn't be the one to bring it up as your bf might interpret that as permission to move his daughter in, but it's an option worth considering. We've had posters who've done this, with the understanding that they and their SO will live together once the kids launch.
FWIW, having lived with a skid with mental health issues once, I will never do so again. Steplife is already hard; it can be even harder for a childfree person.
No, you most certainly are
No, you most certainly are not an asshole.
It is your relationship home, you get veto rights on who lives in your home. Regardless of what your SO may think. He of course can veto anyone you want to live in the home as well. In an equity life partnership, either partner can veto. Since there is only two of you, there is no overturning a veto unless the veto is withdrawn. Which, IMHO, should require extensive discussion and alignment before it happens.
In a relationship between an SP and a BioParent, particularly the CP BioParent, it is imperative that the partners be absolutely candid and open with each other and make decisions collectively. This may be even more imperative when the SP is in an equity life partnership with the NCP when Skids are an invading influence in the marital house hold rather than a mostly full time presence.
There is also
There is also another possibility depending on what your SO's degree of willingness to help his child may be. It sounds like the child needs more help than either parent is able to give. I understand that it is not something that a lot of people want to hear but love does not cure mental illness. There are excellent live-in programs that can give her the help that she needs and the skills to live a productive life on her own at some point. Unless your SO has the resources and mental toughness himself to get the training to do what is necessary to give her that kind of help, having her come live with him will essentially just be warehousing her someplace away from the conflict with her mother but not assisting her in making the most of her life.
He probably will not be willing to even consider the idea. Most people are not. The idea of their child being away and taken care of by professionals is distasteful and they think that they are the best able to care for their own child. But there are times when that is simply not the case. Just food for thought.
Yeah he's trying to figure
Yeah he's trying to figure out what to do exactly if it comes to hee BM actually not wanting custody. If that's his choice, we want to be sure everything will be ready to go as in CS change and everything so he's ready to begin helping her. Will it work? I have no clue. He does want to try his best though. We've talked about all the possibilities but he is going to work on a plan and go from there. I honestly hope this doesn't pan out. I hope she stays with the mother and doesn't go to live with him but that's between him and the BM. I've stood my ground and he knows where I stand.
If this kid is so mentally unbalanced
Nothing except drugs are going to work. It's going to be a big failed. SD will continue to make everyone life a three ring circus. Make him move out. Then decide in three months if you really need this in your life. This kid is going to be a life long project. She will never be able to live on her own.
There will be police, courts. Lawers, all the time. BM wants to wash her hands of this kid. BF takes her it becomes his life time problem.
Maybe BM wants a relationship with a man and knows this will not happen if SD is in her home. She may find a man and SD will never live with her again