How would you all handle this?
We took the kids school shopping (usually a tramatic experience for me) on saturday. I was exceptionally calm about the whole thing, was able to disengage well and didn't feel too put out by the whole thing as would normally happen. I was proud of myself for not letting it get to me and actually enjoying some time with my kids.
I did have this nagging feeling that SD was only there for the shopping and was ready to go home as soon as we were done spending money but I tried to let it go.
Sunday the kids and DH were outside while I was busy making a nice dinner. Being nosy, I picked up SD's cell phone and glanced through her texts. (I know many people find that repulsive but it is what it is - I'm nosy, no appologies)
Didn't I find several asking BM to come get her early (solidifying my belief that she got what she wanted and is done with us). But then I find some from BM while we were shopping. Telling SD to look for this, or that, and that she needed this or that. Mind you BM gets CS over and above the required state guidelines. And clothing should be covered by CS. In any case, we buy SD things because we want to not because it's obligated. And she takes it all home with her to BM's house and then acts later like she' s denied at our home. So it's already a sore subject. Again, I tried to let it go.
Then the one that really set me off........BM actually sent her 12 yo daughter a text telling her to get everything she could from daddy's wallet. So I stewed about it while I was cooking. Then DH came in and I told him that he should read his child's phone. He was pissed also.
Then we talked about what to do about it. Our end decision was to do nothing but to use the infomation as a reminder that BM is money hungry and not above using her child as a means to get more from DH. Just a fact to remind us what we are dealing with, something to keep in mind. We discussed if it was worth bringing up to her, decided NO, it would only cause a fight and change nothing. We discussed if he should somehow let SD know that it's not appropriate but again NO, the fallout from snooping on her phone would no doubt overshadow anything that we had to say. I did tell DH that next time BM asks for him to help out with school clothes or whatnot his answer is to be, "I do help out, I pay you child support".
So I am interested in hearing how you all might have handled this? or how we might protect from more of it? or protect DH's relationship from becoming just a bank account to SD?
And yes, I'm well aware of the self harm I do by snooping - I can't stop! lol
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Comments
The biggest lesson I've
The biggest lesson I've learned from snooping is that my intuition is usually right. I seldom go snooping unless I feel something amis and then I find proof to validate my feelings.
Oh, very nice. I was looking
Oh, very nice. I was looking for a way to let her know without coming right out and saying it. I like this !
I snoop and monitor. Children
I snoop and monitor. Children under 18 living in my home have no 'right' to privacy. When they pay rent, they can be as private as they like.
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Blender, you're my new hero! I wish I had a dime for everytime I've told DH that as long as some kid lives under someone else's roof, pays no rent and rarely does chores, the person who *does* pay the rent/mortgage & supports the kid owns the freakin air they breath!
Good questionon where SD's
Good questionon where SD's mind is in relation to her mom's games. I really don't have a feel. She acted like a normal 12yo and didn't try to manipulate her dad into more than she would any other time, or more than my two do.
I find it hard to believe she isn't on BM's wagon train because they are very much intertwined, almost unhealthy.
That's kind of my big question, how can DH battle it so that SD doeosn't become like BM or join in the battle to ruin him?
i have trouble understanding
i have trouble understanding why u care if your sd knows you and her dad read her text messages. i read my daughters and that is part of me allowing her to have a phone and texting. She knows(although she had to learn the hard way)to not say anything that might be inappropriate or get her into trouble. She also knows if a friend says something inappropriate she needs to either tell them to stop or quit talking to them. Kids have way too much privacy now adays. I remember back in the day when we got a cordless phone when I was in high school-I thought that was the greatest thing since sliced bread. But before that my phone calls took place on the home phone in a central location in the home where my parents could monitor if they felt the need. This age of technology is making our kids grow up too fast.
I totally agree with you and
I totally agree with you and my kids understand that I will and do monitor their communication, be it text, email, internet usage. However, SD does not equate herself with a child in our home and ceratinly not within my parental duties. We don't pay for her phone and she thinks she is entitled to whatever she wants.
SD would definately turn it into a huge war if she found out. Maybe not so much if she thought her dad was checking up on her but not me.
I am like blender - I snoop
I am like blender - I snoop and you have no rights until you are 18 and paying rent. I feel it is a duty as a parent to find out just what your child is doing. I am sure some people have snooped and saved their child's lives by doing it. Also when you snoop you can find out that you are not going crazy or misreading a situation when it is there in black and white. I would not take her shopping anymore let BM do it with the child support.
***I would not take her
***I would not take her shopping anymore let BM do it with the child support.***
exactly what my plan is. In fact there are so many other issues that I refuse to take her with me anyways. But DH always wants to plan this stuff when we are all together to try to make things fair to her. This is where his fairness gets us.
Very funny ! I'm going to
Very funny ! I'm going to give the wallet thing some deep thought. I've got to be able to come up with a good comment to keep them guessing.
The truth is DH and I never carry cash so when we go shopping we usually use our bank card. And since we both have one to the shared account, he seldom carries his wallet. And his wallet is almost always EMPTY !
I'm thinking on how to elude to the fact that I control his wallet (kidding, well mostly) and that it's really mine we are spending from.
HAHAHAHA - LOVE it!!
HAHAHAHA - LOVE it!!
I love the idea of sending
I love the idea of sending the wallet to mom with monopoly money in it. I bet she would stop with the texts to SD. Funny.
I'm nosy, no
I'm nosy, no appologies)
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lol. Me too! And could care less who likes it or not.
I really think I would say something depending on how old the kid is...?
how would I handle this?
how would I handle this? Probably the same way you did only thing is we wouldn't be buying the skids school clothes to take to bm's. The reason is b/c when bm found out about me she started sending the boys nasty holy clothes that were too small. Dh refused to take them and said he would buy their clothes for our house and she can for her house. We look at things like this very differently then a lot of people do. Dh pays CS and that is supposed to cover things like that. We buy for them when we have them including what they need for our house and we DO NOT let them take things to their moms as they don;t come back and then they wouldn't have nothing here. We don't have the money to buy for both places on top of CS. Like I said CS is meant for that stuff so in reality it would be 3x the stuff. let me explain, we pay CS, buy for our house and if we bought things to take to their moms that would be 3x times we would be paying.
The snooping thing I snoop if I feel there is somehting up and I'm always right my kids and step kids know that I will snoop at any given moment. I don;t care what they think. I tell them I'm the adult and until you move out and pay your own way I will continue to snoop if I feel there is a reason. Yes I have read my dd's diary and found out several things but I honestly can say she is a good kid and tells me almost everything anyway.
Bottom line for me is that if you stop buying for them to take to their moms and giving to them when their hand is out you won;t have the problem of bm doing what she is doing. It will take a while but she will get the point that dh will not be giving hand outs anymore. My bm tried the same thing till I came in and I showed dh how much money he was giving her and he stopped it on his own. It took almost a year for her to stop calling and asking for money. Of course I was to blame and I told her I was proud of it too. I helped dh stand up for himself. Now there is no question when bm gets a wild hair up her butt he tells her what he will and won;t do and I don't have to say a word.