Thanks Vickmeister.
When i confronted him,it was about everything that i had somehow managed to take and take and take for years.....there was alot of stuff that i put to him,and when i did,he admitted that his kids and ex had treated me badly,and that he should have supported me by nipping it in the bud from the start(Typical guilty father scared to confront bad or disrespectful behaviour)He agreed that i had every right to feel resentful and hurt,and he said he would not let his children continue to treat me as an outsider,or,to not acknowledge my existance.He said he would understand me wanting to take a step back until their behaviour changes,but,....i know that he is making 'noises' about their birthday's and wanting me to be involved,but,since they havn't once called about the dogs,or our anniversary,i don't see how these changes are taking place.
He will be getting their presents and cards this year,i just feel real awkward and almost evil for wanting to tell him that i would sooner go out for the day and do my own thing,i wish it didn't have to be like this,but, ugh,i have to draw the line somewhere,and you're right,i think i need to put it to my husband head on about my intentions,rather than beating around the bush as i have been,i have a feeling he will not be happy about it,he is,and has been,afterall,the biggest problem of all by letting his kids trample on me from the very start.

Thankyou so much dakata,i can't tell you how hard it has been losing my beloved friend.
I really feel so rejected by them,and after several years,i have started to tire of it,i have put up with so much crap from them,and the ex wife,i think i can say with hand on heart that i have tried my best and ignored some very hostile and abusive behaviour when i could have reacted,but,it's time to make some changes.

wow,thanks mm,you are so right.
I have already told my husband that since they never bother about myself or my daughter,that i would like to take a step back because it is wrong,and at the time,he agreed,but,i know by him constantly mentioning the b'days that he is fishing for a change of heart(Having been a silent observer in all of this for several years,i know exactly how he works),my response has been to acknowledge that it is their b'days,but to not allow myself to be pinned down into giving him some kind of answer, to his 'cloaked' question,i just move the conversation on.I know at somepoint he will try to pin me down,and i think i just have to be honest with him.Ugh,y'know,the worst thing,is,that we never want to be put in this position,yet,we really are forced to,it sucks.

thanks rottier,
you are right,they are adults,and they know exactly what they are doing,just because my husband is a passive parent who has let them walk all over him,doesn't mean i have to roll over and take it too.
Boundries are something that have never been enforced or established with them,the adult/child dynamic is very blurred in their relationship,hence,they think their behaviour is normal.
Yes,i think i will make plans to be busy for the birthday visits,if my husband doesn't like it,it's his problem.

Thanks so much winehead,i have pretty much been in limbo to be honest,we could lose the other one at any given time right now,so,what with losing the other one,and this,it all seems quite unreal still,as both happened without any warning.
I do feel like i need to protect myself from more drama,these past 3 months have been terrible,i had a death in the family not so long ago,so,i'm really feeling the stress these days,it's more emotional burn out i could really do without.

He has mentioned in passing that he has spoken to his kids,he never really wants to discuss what he has said,or how they respond,i don't know why,but,it's just the way he is with them,it's always been very 'secret',but,i personally think it's because he knows his kids behaviour is wrong,and just doesn't want to draw attention to it any further,he worships the ground they walk on.They have attempted to be 'nice' to me in the past,then when i have fallen for it,they have taken my trust and smashed it to the ground with more drama,name calling,and spiteful remarks,so,i am also very wary of their intentions.We have never really established a relationship as such,infact,they have made sure that i am kept pretty much at as far a distance as possible,we have never really gotten as far as having a long conversation because they have never really been interested,so,chances of any of them asking me about the current problems are zero,they are all very distant towards me.In the past,when i tried approaching younger ss about his behaviour(i was actually very civil,calm,and reasonable about it),it resulted in him verbally attacking my husband,and my husband breaking down because he was so upset by some of the names ss called him(my husband handed the power to his kids and allowed them to call all the shots),so,since then,i stayed right out of it,there are many issues going on in the parent/child dynamic that are beyond me,is one of the reasons why i want to take a stance and remove myself from their harmful behaviour.

Awwww,Stepaside i am sooooo sorry,i know how hard it is to have to say goodbye to them,it's utterly heartwreching,i am still all over the place emotionally.
Y'know,strange how you said about your SD claiming to love your dog,because younger ss has always claimed to love our 2 dogs,yet,when one died the other week,and the other one is now terminally ill,where is his show of concern???We havn't recieved one phonecall from any of them,my husband even had the nerve the other day to state how much younger ss loves the remaining dog,i really had to bite my tongue.

thanks msj,yes,i am feeling pretty wiped out at the moment,i think i will probably spend the visit busying myself elsewhere,i find the visits totally draining at the best of times because they are very high maitenence,and add that to the tension when they walk in,it's just so energy zapping.

Thanks br,
awwwww,i've never seen the movie but heard about it.I can't watch anything remtely sad that involves animals,otherwise i end up a complete blubbering mess,i think i'd go into meltdown if i were made to wacth it anytime soon after losing my dear old friend.
Good for you,for sticking to your guns and removing yourself from any invovlememt,see,i should have done this years ago,but foolishly persevered,thinking things would perhaps eventually change,i think my husband will have the shock of his life when i take steps to protect myself from now onwards,it isn't something he is used to,and because i have put up with so much over the years without saying a single word,he has gotten way too used to it,which makes me a little mad when i think about it,because,really,he took my kind gentle nature for granted.

Thanks Old Dart,ugh,sometimes being an animal lover is a curse when it comes to saying goodbye,i have always grown up around dogs,and never been without atleast 1,since the time i was a baby,but,it's just so tough when they leave.I still feel as though i didn't have enough time to say goodbye properly,one minute she was fine,the next she had collapsed,within 2 minutes i was in the car on my way to the vet,then she looked at me one last time before she made her way doggie heaven,......so,so sad....i wish i had more time.