How Do I Respond?
After SD9 has been with her BM for most of the last 3 weeks, she has come home and asked that I attempt to become friendly with her Bm as her BM has requested that she would love for this to happen. So I told SD9, I will attempt but cannot make any guarentees that this will transpire. SD9 also states she wanted to once again play soccer but of course, BM has to agree to this as well as games are on some saturdays that she has SD9 (BM has her every other weekend, we have primary custody) Here is the email that I sent.
Hi BM,
"SD9 has expressed that she would really like it if we were to become friends and be friendly towards each other. So this is my attempt in making this happen. I hope that we can work together to communicate in a way that will benefit her.
Recently, she has also expressed that she would like to again play soccer. While we are happy to oblige, we also need your help with this as she will again need to be there for the games that fall during your weekends with her. I have let her know that I would be communicating with you to see if we could work this out as she will only be able to miss a max of 2 games per season. I believe the season starts at the end of Aug. Let me know if we can work together to make this happen for her and if you will agree to have her at the games on the weekends with you or if this will cause a conflict.
Thank you for your efforts in trying to have better communication between houses."
After 4 days, she finally responsed with this
"that will be fine"
How do I respond to that, and what exactly "will be fine" us being friends or her going to soccer or both.
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I think your letter was
I think your letter was great. If BM requested that you both start being friendlier, I would try not to read too much into her short response. Some people just aren't as gifted with written speech.
I wouldn't worry about the
I wouldn't worry about the short response. Just go with the flow. She could have been busy or just read the email & had to go and responded quickly. I also sometimes reply like that. At least she replied and it was nice. If you want to reply back -- i would just say thanks - your response and/or efforts is/are much appreciated!
Hmmm...short and not sweet.
Hmmm...short and not sweet. (Surprise surprise.) I would respond back with something like:
Great! SD will be so excited to be in soccer once again. I will send you her schedule as soon as we get it and we can all plan accordingly so she doesn't miss any games. I think it is wonderful that we can all be supportive of her and the activities she enjoys. I know she will be excited to have you at her games!
Again, I appreciate your response and I know that the fact that we are communicating in a positive way will benefit SD.
Have a wonderful day!
"That will be fine". I
"That will be fine".
I wouldn't respond right away. Wait until you have some details about soccer. Send her an email that says something like "Thanks so much for agreeing to help out with soccer. SD is really excited! Here are the details.... Did you want to help out with some of the snacks? Thanks again, Riley"
I vote for this. If you sound
I vote for this. If you sound too eager, she might think you're nuts.
I think it's fine to leave it
I think it's fine to leave it the way it is. I don't see a need to respond. Congratulations on being able to get the short reply. Our BM would have surely replied with a 9 page letter about why she would NOT agree to any of it & include her personal attacks toward DH & myself & our life together. Then she'd sign off with a half-assed penciled-in middle finger picture. Be glad she sent what she did. LOL!
You have certainly gone above
You have certainly gone above and beyond in trying to facilitate the start. It takes two to make a relatioship work, even a distant, friendly sort of one.
I would give it a little while, and follow up with an email or text that you are preparing to register SD for soccer and make sure she is still ok with that.
I'd like to have a decent, friendly relatioship with BM and she pretend to be all into that but I just can't trust her to respect boundries. So it's all very fake and I am guarded.
I am going to disagree. I
I am going to disagree. I don't think she overstepped any bounds in the least. She is actively helping to parent and it is disheartening to hear biological parents push back against that. Shouldn't it be a group effort by all parents-biological and step? She attempted to be friendly and help her SD. How can that be overstepping anything? Why would biological parents ever remarry if they aren't going to allow the steps to be active participants. You are good enough to marry, but not good enough to be considered a real part of my family? My husband and I mutually parent as do the kids BM and their SD. We might not all see eye to eye, but we all are their "parents."
That is my two cents. I think when biological parents seek to control everything that is when all hell breaks loose. Shouldn't the kids see all 4 of the parents in a positive and responsible light?
That makes sense. I guess I
That makes sense. I guess I needed your clarification. I can see both sides. I don't think the SM meant any harm, she just wanted to help out the SD in anyway she could and even if that meant trying to mend a relationship that is probably extremely damaged to begin with. The soccer to me would feel like a way to start that mending. I guess it is all perspective.
I agree with all of your
I agree with all of your suggestions and ways that this should have been handled. However, DH and BM do not and will not deal with each other...EVER, regardless of whether it is for the child or not. Last Fall when she played soccer. SD9 told her dad to contact BM to see if this was ok. She said NO, I will not take her to her games because I already have plans. We signed SD up for soccer anyway and let the coaches know her mom was uncooperative. BM brought her to every game. This time SD asked me to politely ask her mom if she would again allow her to play soccer and bring her to games. That is why it was put in the email. I am more of a parent to SD than BM ever will be. Many of SM are like that. She knows she can either deal with me nicely or constantly get into a yelling match with DH. Her choice.
The fact that DH and BM don't
The fact that DH and BM don't deal with each other at all does happen. That is how my husband and his ex are as well. She goes through phases where she bombards him with calls, emails and texts and then goes months sulking when he doesn't just give in to her every unreasonable demand. (example: When the kids visit us they are only supposed to eat organic.)
Then what do you do? There has to be communication for the kids-how else can anything be coordinated or conveyed between families? In my case that falls on me. BM decided to seek me out and I communicate with her because my husband doesn't want too, period. I am not going to force him too. He is an adult and I know the reasons why he avoids her and I agree with his decision. She is manipulative, deceptive and condescending. However, I put up with her because I love my husband, I love my skids and I want to help keep her calm so the kids hear less about how terrible their BD and SM are. If I can help that and not put them under the stress of hearing their parents fight then I am all for it.
I don't think you overstepped anything. I think your email was great and her short response wasn't unexpected. Just keep being open to communication and always positive. Keep you head up, you aren't alone out there.
"she has come home and asked
"she has come home and asked that I attempt to become friendly with her Bm as her BM has requested that she would love for this to happen."
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Based on what the OP stated, I don't feel she over-stepped. Maybe the soccer stuff should've been between DH & BM, but the request made by SD & stating that BM had requested as well, they wanted contact with her specifically. I don't know the history in this poster's situation, however. If there's been contention or issues in the past, perhaps I would feel differently.
"After SD9 has been with her
"After SD9 has been with her BM for most of the last 3 weeks, she has come home and asked that I attempt to become friendly with her Bm as her BM has requested that she would love for this to happen. So I told SD9, I will attempt but cannot make any guarentees that this will transpire. "
Is it just me or is it a bit strange for a nine year old to be the so-called "middle man" to broker a more positive relationship between BM and SM? Did BM put her up to this or did SD9 ask on her own if they could be more friendly?
BM has been constantly
BM has been constantly placing SD as the middle man in many situations, I am attempting to stop her from being able to. SD sat down with me as I wrote this email and then asked what her BM said. I told her. She then stated that "obviously, my mom lied to me, because she wasnt very friendly to you".
Yeah, I have a problem using
Yeah, I have a problem using the 9 y.o as a go between to work on your "friendship". I understand you are saying that bm puts her in that position, but by speaking with her about it and letting her see the email you are just as guilty. I would have no problems telling my 9 y.o. that adult relationships are adult business and that you would take care of it and she doesnt need to worry about it. Of course said with a big happy smile.