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Swharton1's picture

Submitted by Swharton1 on Tue, 07/27/2010 - 5:37pm

Hello everyone! Thank god I have found this site! My current situation is getting worse by the day, and I feel like I am sinking. I'll start from the top. I have two kids,T is 7 and F is four. I divorced my ex husband about two years ago, and since then have met a wonderful guy, E. E has no children of his own, and is very military style when it comes to putting his two cents in. I, on the other hand am very laid back. Over the past few weeks I have been seperating the kids and him, just so I don't have to deal with them all together, because it is so tense. I dread the thought of having them on some weekends because of the constant struggle. I know that's horrible to say, but true. My son fights him the hardest, and E takes it bad when T constantly says " my daddy is better at everything." I appreciate you all listening. Sometimes it's just nice to let it out, and I know all of you understand. Will we ever be a "happy" blended family? Does it get better?

Comments

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 07/27/2010 - 5:50pm

Welcome. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others dealing with the difficulties of blended family life.

You have a tough situation to deal with.

Are you the CP or NCP in your situation?

My suggestions are dependent on whether you have custody or not.

Best regards.

winter7's picture

Submitted by winter7 on Tue, 07/27/2010 - 5:59pm

I haven't been in this situation but from what you say, it may take time. Just remember to take good care of yourself. You are in the middle of this. Wish I could be more helpful.

I first logged on to this website today and I already feel so much better from the kind advice I've heard from other members. I think this website will help you too.

Best to you.

zenjetset's picture

Submitted by zenjetset on Tue, 07/27/2010 - 6:18pm

Why are they not getting along!? He, Ralph should know these are your children regardless of how he wants to run the household he has to follow your lead. I think compromise and communication is key for both of you otherwise it will be a living he'll for you the kids and Ralph!

Sit him down and talk to him about your style of parenting compared to his and see if you agree on any points then focus on those the others will have to be worked out along the way. No one should be blamed just agree to disagree if you have to, but agree to certain "household rules" the kids must follow. Each one of you including the kids will have to give up, give in or just work within the rules. Once you and Ralph agree, then have a family meeting. This all worked for me.

oldprincess's picture

Submitted by oldprincess on Tue, 07/27/2010 - 9:25pm

I agree with sitting down with Ralph on a day with no kiddos around. Working together as a united team for the children, compromise on both sides and vow to support each other; come up with a parenting style and plan you both can live with. If your son says to Ralph that "Dad does it better" or any other such remarks to Ralph, it is YOUR position to support Ralph in front of your son and let him know that such comments are rude and disrespectful. I have 3 girls of my own and one step daughter. The biggest thing my new husband and I have going for the entire group is our united support in front of the girls. Don't avoid time with Ralph when the kids are around; things can't possibly get better if you don't work on it. One thing my husband and I did soon after the the two families combined under one roof was sit down with a cup of coffee on the porch without the kids and made a list of house rules together. Then we brought all the girls into the living room for a family talk and read the rules and the consequences my husband and I would enforce if they broke the rules. It's been hard and some days I still get as defensive as a Mama bear about my girls, but I know we made the rules of the house together and this makes my husband comfortable with enforcing the boundaries and rules as we both set out. This is so important. Good luck! It's a lot of work but you can do it!

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Tue, 07/27/2010 - 7:20pm

Are you dating him or living with him?

One thing you can and will have to eventually do is sit Ralph down and talk to him about boundaries. How your son is only 7 and in his eyes his father is the best at everything. which is how a son should think about his father. did ralph thnk the light shined from his father?
And the best answer he can give a 7 yr old he isn't related to is 'of course he is.' what does he think will happen if he agrees with him? Eventually Tate will tire of it because he isn't getting the reaction he wants.
the mother and who is the
Ralph needs to remember who is the adult and who is the child in this.

Maybe you will have to keep your 2 lives (mum/girlfriend) separate for a while.

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Wed, 07/28/2010 - 9:12am

I agree with vickmeister. And if you arent willing to compromise your lax parenting then maybe you should really rethink getting involved or moving forward with a relationship with someone who has such differing parenting styles. It's likely to cause conflict forever if you can't come to some sort of compromise.

I must be honest and say that if Ralph were posting his side here I might be telling him to walk away because it's a very hard road to take trying to live with kids who aren't taught respect.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Wed, 07/28/2010 - 9:45am

Swharton1 I hope the names you used are FICTIONAL. The best thing about this site is the anonymity of it. The last thing you want is someone who knows you to read this and take it back to the parties involved.
Now here's my 2 cents. The fact that your children are displaying a lack of manners with your new BF is a sign of something that you might be doing wrong. A laid back parent in my book usually means a parent that won't lay down the law. Certain things are not to be tolerated, one of them is disrespecting your elders. With that said, I would not allow your new BF to be mean to the children either. Maybe a family meeting is in order. Lay down the rules. No disrespecting of ANYONE. You can say to your son, "I know that you feel your Daddy is better at everything but that is a very hurtful thing to say to SO&SO so please don't say things like that."
My son went thru a stage where he'd say that he hated my DH. But our situation was very complex, my son had behavior issues and my DH didn't know how to handle that so it was a constant battle between them with me in the middle. Thankfully, time, patience, understanding and LOTS & LOTS of conversations with BOTH of them resolved the tension. Now my DH and my Bioson have a great relationship, every now and then I still have to correct one or the other about the way they speak and the things they say, but overall it's gotten WAY better. This blended family thing is NOT easy at all...EVER...

Swharton1's picture

Submitted by Swharton1 on Wed, 07/28/2010 - 2:29pm

Thanks everyone for your honesty. I'll admit it, the truth hurts. Today, I woke up with a new outlook. I had a house meeting last night, and clearly stated the rules of the house. It's time for me to step up and be a strong authority figure on my childs life. They WILL not rule me!!! Thanks again!