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Taking SD on our honeymoon has been brought up :(

stepsoftly's picture

Submitted by stepsoftly on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 8:41am

FDH and I are planning our wedding & honey moon and we were trying to figure out the schedule as far as Bm and SD are concerned. SD usually is with us every other week, but we are planning a 2-week honeymoon (It's a pretty involved trip) and so we will have to ask BM to take her two weeks in a row, then we will have her 2 weeks in a row right after that. At least, that was the plan I came up with.

FDh tells SD about this plan and she starts complaining that she doens't want to be with her mom for two straight weeks, and why can't she come with us. FDh says OK he will get his mom (SD's Grandma) to take her for the second week. SD says that sounds good. We don't think ahead to the weeks after that; SD would go right back to her moms and not see FDh & I for 3 weeks total.

So FDh realizes this and says to me, "What do you think about taking SD with us on the honeymoon?" What??!! That is NOT the right solution to this problem. I tell him, we haven't planned a very child-friendly honeymoon (lots of long days in the car, foodie meal stops, and historical sites, which FDh & I love but aren't great for an 8-year-old), and even if she says she'll be quiet the whole time and not complain, she will be really bored and we'll feel bad about it, and end up not getting everywhere we want to go, and doing things she wants instead -- And I think that would ultimately just ruin eveyone's vacation and make us all at odds.

FDh agrees that would probably happen, but gets pissy about what I've said (Sorry, but it's just realistic, it's nothing against SD, it's the simple fact, she is not a grownup and would not enjoy the things we do.) and starts to argue about how BM won;t agree to this, and how I don't understand this will make everything harder in the long run with BM, and SD really doesn't want to be at her mom's for 2 weeks.

I tell him, that's because she isn't seeing the big picture either. She thinks it is just those two weeks that would change, and she isn't thinking about how she wouldn't see her dad for 3 weeks if this happens. I tell him to explain that to her and I bet she'll choose to stay with her mom 2 weeks, then us 2 weeks, rather than 1 week mom, 1 week grandma, 1 week mom, with no dad.

So he did tell her this, and she agreed she would rather do 2 weeks there and 2 weeks here, and I think it is settled for now -- assuming BM does agree to this. Unfortunately she does have a history of not being able to plan this kind of thing until the last minute which could still turn out bad for us... But fingers crossed for now.

Comments

butterfly2010's picture

Submitted by butterfly2010 on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 8:48am

she shouldnt go just for the simple fact it is your honeymoon!!!!! how selfish of all of them for even thinking that sd should go.

midwestmama's picture

Submitted by midwestmama on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 3:45pm

spoken like a true veteran.......sorry, but I'm with ya too crayon and spunk and pantera...ugh

JMC's picture

Submitted by JMC on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 9:12am

"FDh tells SD about this plan and she starts complaining that she doens't want to be with her mom for two straight weeks, and why can't she come with us."

Ummm...she's an 8 yr old KID having to stay with her MOTHER for an extra week - big freakin' deal!! So she doesn't want to stay with her mother for two straight weeks - too bad! Again, she's a kid wanting to get her way - if she gets by with this crap, then you are in for a long road of "I don't want's". This is YOUR honeymoon, you're the adults, she's the child, life's not always fair; do NOT take this kid with you!

JMC's picture

Submitted by JMC on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 10:58am

Crayon's right on target - after we got married, DH got even worse about the guilt trips & trying to please the skids. Three years later, it's not any better. We go through this b.s. every few weeks (and skids don't even live with us!) and I know it's just a matter of time before I decide it's just not worth it anymore.

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 9:32am

any kid and honeymoon ~ WTF?

i would definitely ask fdh if his balls were going to disappear everytime skid or bm differed with him? and of course, he will say no.... then i would ask, then were you actually serious about taking skid on honeymoon? hopefully he will see the light and you can move on, if it starts a fight, it will be the first of many if you decide to marry him..

3bk1sd's picture

Submitted by 3bk1sd on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 9:42am

Listen to crayon, this is not a good sign of things to come. Take his child on your honeymoon, wth??

fullhouseof5's picture

Submitted by fullhouseof5 on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 11:56am

I agree with you SM. DH and I have three young kids (oldest one is 9). When we got married we did not take a honeymoon because it was right in the middle of school and soccer season and we are both extremely involved in everything. So what we are doing is this summer (in one week!!!!) We are taking a weeklong vacation with the kids to the beach, SeaWorld, etc.. and then in October of this year he and I are planning a weeklong trip to Spain, adults only. I do think two weeks is a long time but that's just me.

confused101's picture

Submitted by confused101 on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 9:52am

Hey im sorry to hear about your situation.But if your going on a honeymoon its for the honeys not the kid.Besides who is this kid to decide where she wants to go if she has to stay with her mom for 2 weeks so be it.It is her mom and its her moms responsibility to take care of the child no matter what the sitiuation is as long as the child is being cared for.& dont anyone have any respect for you 2 this is supposed to be for you guys.But whatever happens hope its for the best for you and your family.

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 10:00am

WOW is all I have to say. Um anyone who is willing to even entertain the idea that kids go along on their honeymoon is NOT on the same page! I don't know what you should do but I do know that this might set the tone for the rest of your marriage.

My dh and I got married we wanted the kids in the wedding so what we did was set it for a day dh had the kids but his last day of visitation. It just happened to be a Fri. That way it was bm's turn for summer visit which she had them for 2 weeks.

I would talk to him and tell him how you feel about this and why he would even think a kid should be going with you. Need to get on the same page now.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 3:16pm

We had 2 weddings (of sorts). Family ceremony in NZ and the legal one in the USA (visa requirement, couldn't marry in NZ). After the NZ ceremony we went away for a week (5 days give or take) to the other end of the country. Had a blast.

Get to the USA. Have our wedding and on our wedding night DH says that seeing it is so late his sons may as well stay the night. It was 9pm and his ex lived 1 mins walk away IF you had to stop for a car in the street. But no, they stayed.

I was pissed in the extreme. I let him have it a couple of days later. I told him he EVER plays this guilt game again I would not be here another minute. This is about him and me and not my kids or his kids. If we hadn't already had our honeymoon I would have REALLY lost my cool and probably walked out.

8 yr olds do not make the rules. She should not be consulted. She should be told this is not something she can come along on but there will be a kid-freindly trip in the future. EOS. She doesn't get an option. And priomise to buy her something really cute while you are away.

I would seriously consider why he wants her on your honeymoon. In fact me being me would suggest perhaps you call the wedding off and he can take his daughter for a vacation then her widdle feelings are not scarred for life and she grows into an axe murderer due to her paternal neglect for 2 weeks when she was 8... while he was on a honeymoon with her stepmother.

Not an option i would even consider for a second. The only children who should be on a honeymoon are those that are present as a few cells in your uterus at the end of it.

midwestmama's picture

Submitted by midwestmama on Thu, 07/15/2010 - 3:43pm

Ok, first of all...NO! Second...NO! I will go back and read the other replies, but I just had to jump on here right quick! WHY is everybody asking the EIGHT YEAR OLD what SHE wants?? Hello people! Does anyone besides me see how incredibly twisted that is??

Next issue - I can think of nothing LESS ROMANTIC than bringing a kid on your honeymoon! My god, you have the rest of your lives to be strapped with that kid, at least take your flippin honeymoon?! It's 2 stinkin weeks out of your lives - get a grip! Who gives a flying rats ass if the golden child misses out on a daddy visit for once in her life - BIG DEAL.

That question..."should we bring her" would get no more acknowledgement than a LOOK and a "no f'n way" from me! No explanation needed!!! I dont care if you're going to frickin Disneyland and she would LOVE it - she doesnt go on a honeymoon til SHE gets married. Period.

Ok..phew...glad I got that off my chest. Gosh that whole notion just about made me blow a gasket!