Apparently SD and BM have been having major difficulties, fighting with each other, saying nasty things, and SD8 must have said something about something or other being better at her dad's (here). She came over unexpectedly, when BM called us and said could we take her yesterday afternoon just for the afternoon until BM was done working. FDH said yes and we went out to the house we just bought to do some work with SD.

It turns out we learn about this fight, and apparently SD says that BM called FDH an "inconsiderate fat freak". That's pretty specific thing for an 8-year-old to make up. She then says BM told her she could go live with her dad "and see how he takes care of you."

Of course SD does not want to be full-time with us, she loves her mom too. FDH called BM to discuss this whole thing, since obviously there are some discipline/behavior issues and he was not happy with her handling of the argument.

Now, FDH knows when BM is lying, because she is dumb enough to use a special sugar sweet "I am lying" voice. (SD does this too, although to a lesser extent) She tells him SD does not want to do the week-on, week-off arrangement we have now, but SD won't tell FDH for fear of hurting his feelings.

There's more things that were said .. SD went on and it was like a floodgate of complaints about her mom was opened. She usually doesn't talk about her mom when she is here, bc she knows her dad doesn't want to hear it. but she told us all the things BM says about us... Like that we buy her anything she wants, and we have a lot of money and travel a lot, and get her any pet she wants. All of this is highly subjective -- I mentioned before we have been traveling (hello, it's summer, we have lots of family to see) and we got some new animals (well, we just moved to the country, it's the first time we could have them) and no, we don't have that much money, we were very lucky to get the house cheap because there were taxes owed, liens & other legal issues.

SD said all kinds of things, and while I think most of them rang true, I do wonder how much of it is coming from a child's perspective, not understanding fully what her mom is talking about, or oversimplifying, more likely. I have seen how we can tell her a three-part thing and when she goes and tells a friend or grandparent about it, it turns into one thing that is a little different than reality.

Anyway, SD tells us again that she is fine with the 50-50 arrangement and didn't want to have it some other way. It's just weird because now we don't know if she really wants this or not... But BM can't possibly think FDH will accept less than 50-50 access. he misses her the whole time she is at her mom's, and he would never give BM full-time. It would break his heart to only see her on the weekends or every other weekend or something like that.

And myself, I get nervous when FDH & BM give so much of the decision-making power to SD on this. They both tell her she can decide who she wants to stay with at any particular time... I don't like this but can't explain why and feel like they are not stepping up and making a choice, instead of putting it on her... But I can't say so without being told it's not my place.

It's just that SD sees herself as their go-between or messenger. And it's not good for her in my opinion, but FDH doesn't agree, he thinks she should know everything and wants to be totally honest with her about the court agreement and custody and all that stuff. How can I convince him that is not best for her at her age?? Any help or ideas? Or am I wrong?