positive is the key
I have not been on step talk that long. Maybe 6 or 7 months. I have posted a few times and had given a few comments. I do read a lot of the blogs/post. And I will say most post I do read and I will not name names,) are very poor. in my own opinion. ( I am intitled to that) This is suppose to be a site where you come for advice and to try and help you in your situation with the bm's and step kids. However, I found this site more so on a bitch site. Always seems to be negative post. Most post complains and complains. Never looking to try and improve the situation. and when someone offers advise the poster gets bent out of shape because they didn't agree with the post.
When people keep negatively in theirs life’s and never try to improve. Nothing will improve. You will always be that unhappy negative person.
There are a couple post from people here that has nothing but nasty things to say about their "evil step kids" and talk down about their husbands because he has the kids. They don't want their husbands to be involved with their kids. Always making them choose. And I myself find that so unfair. (And I do know bio moms can be "evil", I have one, but I'm not going to allow her to life my life in her misery of her life)
I would not want my husband to try and make me choose between him and my child, nor would I even think of him doing the same thing.
We as stepmothers are just that. We will not ever be the bio mother. Talking down about your step kids or your spouse will not change the fact you are a stepparent only.
I have been through a lot with my stepdaughter, I have posted things that have gone wrong, and would I like to wrap my hands around her neck? Yes at times I would. But never do I sit here and type nasty things about my stepdaughter on how she dresses talk’s acts and etc...
I came here to try and get help in understanding why my stepdaughter does some of the things she does. Not to turn her into the worst possible stepchild ever.
I have been told she is a toxic by someone on this site and also my counselor. And I do believe she is toxic. However, I'm going to either 1. Not have any contact with her, but never tell my husband never to see her. 2. Try and understand her up bringing in her mothers home. And that is something that I may never know. But with that said, I'm not going to log on the computer everyday and type nasty things about her every move in her life. To me that is just being way obsessed to the point where it's just sick.
Your spouses/bf/gf made these children with the bios in their past. You were not apart of their past. You are now apart of them and their future. But you will never be the bio. And putting your step kids and husband down over it will only give you a miserable life. Or even a divorce. Have you ever stopped and thought about what you constantly say to your spouse, when all you do is talk badly about his or her children? How can you possibly love your spouse when all you do is put him down for the past he or she has had? I myself would not want someone in my life hounding me regarding my past relationship. There was a reason that your spouse left his past. (Bio’s) And wants it to remain in the past. but when you keep on him or her about it, how do you ever expect him or her to be happy with you?
Everything I have written is not to belittle anyone on this site. It’s my post of how I feel about this site.
I will continue on reading some of the post here. It does help me in ways that I know I will never want to be like. There are people on here that I enjoy reading their advice, it helps me see things differently. and in a positive way. Thank you!
- sway1's blog
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Comments
As far as I can see, this
As far as I can see, this site is a mix of people who want advice, and people who just come to vent (as it says 'where stepparents come to vent' under the logo on the main page). I don't think anything is wrong with either of these needs. Sometimes you need advice, and sometimes you just need to unload here so that you don't do it on your DH, the kids, or someone else...no advice necessary.
When I'm stressed, I prefer to hold it inside. in a couple of decades those resentments should harden into a nice little tumor that I can have surgically removed. This method isn't for everyone.
This site and negative posts don't 'bring me down' because I don't think these posts are completely representative of the poster's life...its just a dumping ground for the bad stuff. I don't talk about the beautiful rainbow I saw this morning or how I love playing the cello, but...I can do that anywhere.
I balance things by not spending a whole lot of time on the site. I visit it regularly, yes, to remind me that I'm not alone, but if it ever starts 'getting to me' theres no reason that I can't take a break and come back when I need it again.
I don't think anything is
I don't think anything is wrong with either of these needs.
I think this says it all. Just because it's wrong for you doesn't make it wrong.
For me, when I'm "venting" (I usually tag it as "purging"), it's usually teamed with a sense of feeling sorry for myself. So my "need" is to merely feel validated in my frustration or hurt. Any advice usually falls on deaf ears until I'm ready to stop feeling that way... and open to listening.
I kind of think posters come
I kind of think posters come here and complain and name call so they DON'T do it at home.
When I check out a new site
When I check out a new site if I don't like what I see I just don't go there anymore.
I don't become a member and then set out to change everybody and everything on it.
I just say 'oh, that's not the place for me' and I move on to somewhere else.
I agree with you...but I
I agree with you...but I agree with the others as well... sometimes we as stepmothers have absolutly no where to turn. With our Bio Children, we can say what we like (even if it's negative), act the way we want, dole out whatever punishment or consequence we want etc.. but with Step children, even though many of us have them just as much as we have our bio children, we can't say anything, we are responsible for all of the same things with our bio children, but have to treat these kids differently. I'm never going to tell my husband for instance that I Hate my stepson... (I don't hate him, but somedays I do), I'm never going to tell my husband again that I think his son needs help, or that I'm concerned about him wetting himself, or that It bothers me how his parents treat him like he's a prince and their other grandchildren (one just as much a biograndkid to them as he is) like they're second... None of my friends are step parents, and so if I didn't have a safe place where I could just come and say what was on my mind..whether it's mean or not I think I would go insane. I know it paints maybe a picture of us/me like I'm this mean, cold, heartless beotch..but I think the reality of it is, we DO CARE..and that is why we are here, and that is why these things bother us so much. If we did not care, we simply wouldn't care..and we'd have no words to say. Whether I'm blogging (which I don't do too often), or reading, or commenting, I feel like I've got a load off my chest and I then move forward. When I saw yesterday everyone attacking each other I thought "Come on, you don't even know each other"... this is a site where people from all around the world come to vent... We all have different personalities and opinions. I've had some rather rude comments on some of my blogs...but whatever.. I chalk it up to some inexperience. When I read a rather bad post about a woman who hates her step children, hates her BM, and sometimes hates her DH, I'm not offended... I feel bad for them... I've been there, and like I mentioned before..if she really really hated them the way she said.. then she wouldn't care enough to be here. We should just let everyone say and be who they want to be.
Im not going to say people
Im not going to say people should not vent, this is a vent site. we all do needto vent from time to time. I could sit here and vent like crazy on my stepdaughter. and that is exactly what it is venting.
I believe there is difference in venting and just plain right out being a nasty person. of always talking negative.
my example on venting is: my stepdaughter came back into our lifes. this time she brings with her a son. she came over as few times and now she is not even doing that. it's her same old routine comes around for a couple of months and then gone for months. I don't understand why she does this. I have ask her over and over. and she just gives I don't know. or her mom gives her hell for it........
I don't sit here complaining on my stepdaughter of, damn, she looked like a hooker when she walked in my door.
what advice could you possibly give me on my venting of she looks like a hooker. or degraded your spouse by name calling the stepkids? it was not his fault she is like that. so I would not take it out on him. I would not put him down for something she is doing. I can't say well you didn't say anything to her so with that you think it's ok for her to do that.
to heather m....... when it comes down to wanting a family to be the same, the rules have to be the same. that is something that might be the need of working more on. instead of the negative of this one did that or this one did this. parents together need to work things out together. to be on the same level for all children involved. ( I know easy said than done)
venting is a good thing. we all need to vent. but resolving the issues will be so much better.
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it has to be both sides not just your side.
he or she was a parent before you came into the picture. some of you have stated I loved the stepkids we got along at the beginning and then we moved in together or we got married. and then all hell broke lose. the stepkids and bio parents became evil people. I'm sure some have a valid point on using the word evil. but if it was good before you got married or just moved in with each other, what went wrong?
I will have to say, I have not ever had my stepdaughter live with me. (so with who has or does) I can't say anything on that. who knows maybe my whole thing would be completely different.
I have any had my stepdaughter come around when she was 14 years old. just visits now and then. but I did care for her and I did do a lot for her. and to be treated like a piece of shit hurt. and I did allow it to get to me. I let it hurt me. but I will say, I do not allow it to hurt anymore. I have not opened my heart back up to her.... however, I do not wish bad things on her, I do hope someday she will understand what she really did was wrong. and hopefully she will be a leader for her son and not a follower like she is....