I think it's an individual thing. I have no hard feelings to the BM in our life, as my Dh has no hard feelings towards the BioDad in our life. They leave us alone, we leave them alone, we all get along pretty well as far as the kids are concerned.
I think SM's and SD's demand respect & control. I also think SM's seek approval & acceptance from the children whereas SD's may only seek that the children see them as an authoritive figure, as well as acceptance in that roll.

There's no jealousy or animosity in our household, so maybe I can't answer this question very well.

I do think that you should be secure enough in your relationship not to be jealous of the BM and the happenings in there life, things happen for a reason, and what that reason is we may never know. Just accept that he had a life before you, and now you are his life. Are you insecure in your relationship? Do you feel threatened? Beacuse its not HER fault she had his first child, last I checked it to two to tango under the sheets to make one. Are you angry at him too?

I would have to say stepmoms. I'm sure that some stepdads out there have it really hard. But generally speaking they don't have it as hard as stepmoms because of one thing: responsibility.

Women are perceived as nurturer and caregivers, so people expect a stepmom to have a lot of responsibility of the skid. For instance, BM has tried to compare MY ROLL as a stepmom to that of her boyfriend as a stepdad. :sick:

Come on! you never see male babysitters! would you live your 3 year old daughter with a man? (as a babysitter not a husband) NO! so women are seen like live-in babysitters many times...

When she did that, I asked SD if BM's boyfriend was a stepdad and she said: "No, the waffle maker"... On top of that he didn't have any kids back then so he didn't do much for/with SD5. I on the other hand, am the one who bathes her, does her hair, cooks for her, does her laundry, entertain her, does her homework with her, takes her with me if i have to. And i used to pick her up and drop her off at VPK as well... She sees me as "mommy #2" and her stepmom, and she truly loves me and cares about me. Now it has been like a year from that convo, but it still bothers me because I'm sure that BM still compares the roles.

Oh and also, men are not as emotional as women, so I'm sure they have less jealousy and resentment issues as we do. So their mind must be more peacefully than that of a stepmom.

I really think it depends on the parenting skills of the SM or SF. I also think it depends on if you are dealing with PAS and a Guilty Parent. Those are the things that dictate what the reaction from the kids will be towards the Step Parent. It also takes open communication and a willingness to learn to accept diffrences. So then personalities of both parties also comes into play. Anyway it is a difficult situation.

I do understand your feelings.....I have had them myself...Laughing, many times. I think men feel the same way too...they are just too cocky to say anything. My DH had a weak moment one day and told me that he was always afraid that I had left over feelings for my EX....Now if I had told my full story on here it would be something that looked like it came straight from a horror movie because my life with EX was beyond bad. DH knows this and knows that when EX was alive I tolerated him threw clenched teeth. But still we are all human so dont beat yourself up over the feelings.

There are a lot of different situations out there. But if this site has tought me anything, I think it's the stepmoms. It seems to me that SDs enjoy giving their SMs a lot of trouble in general.

I believe SM's have it harder. Why? I believe part of it is because Disney and fairy tales have set us up in roles where we are portrayed mostly, if not all the time, the "bad guy". Think about what that does to the children who watch it. Those subliminal messages definitely have their effect. The plot of the story usually centers on a damsel in distress who is kept apart from her barely existent father. Also the "wicked" presence of the stepmother is more highlighted by the fact that the father they are fighting over is not around. The father is portrayed as a weakling, manipulated by the evil ways of the SM. Think about this: Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel, and Hansel and Gretel, some of the most famous fairy tales, show that SM's cannot be trusted and will not love the skids. I don't think I've seen one (movie) yet about evil SF's, but there are definitely a few in literature.
Lastly, the lack of a "good" SM in literature seems just as important to me in how SM's are viewed and treated. There are no positive portrayals of SM's in literature as far as I know. Because of this whole psychological attack on the role of a SM, I believe SF's have it easier.

I would simply say StepMoms because they instantly get involved emotionally and mentally. They give their heart to the children faster than a StepDad does. I have a StepDad and I think that I gave him a run for his money but he managed and didn't have a mental breakdown and I feel that a StepMom would have broken down the first week. I am a StepMom and I can't even tell you how many times I have cried.

I agree with Gia. Society tends to expect so much more of women than it does men when it comes to children. We are expected to instinctively want to nurture every random child and if we don't then something must be wrong with us. We are expected to be a neverending source of patience and warmth despite all. Typically, a woman who has her children will not have the same expectations for the man in her life.

I think it depends on the situation, of course...but I feel like step-dads have it a little easier.

Women are so self-critical and compare ourselves constantly to others. This is hard for me, I know how much DF can't stand BM but seeing her super fit/skinny, nice clothes and always done up is exhausting at times. For the most part I realize this is her way of covering up her trash and she has all those things becuase she puts herself first rather than the kids, but there are times where it gets to me because I think about whether DF compares my body to hers, etc...it's just that little green monster that lives inside each of us and feeds off our insecurities!

I also think it's hard for step-mothers because we come in to the picture with certain expectations put upon us. It's expected that we be nurturing and caring and motherly...because we are women and because we are choosing to be in a situation where there are kids involved. If there's one thing I've learned from this site it's that not every step-mother wants to be a mother, or wants to mother kids that aren't hers! This seems to be where a lot of problems between SM's and DH's come from, as the DH expected one thing but the SM's intentions were never that (so they end up disengaging).

However, like I said, depending on the situation step fathers can certainly have these same issues and others!