New to StepTalk
The title's not entirely correct -- I've been reading StepTalk for several months, trying to find some clarification on my situation, and it's been very helpful, but I am irritated for kind of vague reasons tonight and needed to finally take the step to vent in a post.
I am engaged to and living with my FDH. I have a SD8 who lives with us every other week, the other 50 % of the time with her BM. I have it great compared to a lot of STers, I know, because she is generally well-behaved and BM is fairly drama-free, although she & I don't have much contact, FDH deals with her.
Spent the day with FDH, SD and his family today and came home worn out and on my last nerve. They talked a lot about BM, SD as a baby (I met her dad when she was 6), compared pregnancies -- leaving me out of the convo entirely as I have no kids. Besides that SD gave me attitude and was quite rude all day to me in particular, although she was corrected repeatedly by me, her dad, her aunt and her grandparents. It's weird because she was also quite nice to me in between the moments of antagonism. Telling me she loved me, saying how we should do this or that together.
I never saw myself as a parent, and am often at a loss on how to respond to her, good or bad, and I find way too often that my responses are withdrawn or petty because I am still irritated with her over something earlier in the day. I feel like I never succeed in being the better person around her... She has a way of getting right under my skin in a way that her dad doesn't even notice, or he thinks I am misunderstanding her because she doesn't mean it "like that."
Well, FDH would hate that I am posting here, and he can tell I am in a bad mood, so he is being very solicitous with movies and ice cream 
So I'll end it here for now. Just wanted to actually get some of my conflicted feelings out there. Is anyone in a similar situation with "good" SKs and BMs but still have trouble with the SM role?
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I wanted to add -- I have the
I wanted to add -- I have the patience to tolerate a day of this stuff, and often do. It wouldn't bother me nearly as much if the whole weekend hadn't been similar behavior from SD.
I get irritated over what
I get irritated over what seem to my husband as "little things". You're not alone. It's tough and confusing being a SM
Thanks 1day, and I like your
Thanks 1day, and I like your name, how appropriate to stepparenting as well.
I just feel like I can't discuss it with him because he would see it as me picking on her or not being willing to accept the parent role...which he has flat-out asked me to do, and we've talked about my difficulties with it. I've agreed to try to be an active, caring stepmom with her -- She is not hard to get along with really but I think I made the mistake when we met of setting myself up as her friend, so she does not have the respect for me she has for other adults.
I can relate, I have this one
I can relate, I have this one A-Hole of a brother in-law and his wife who insist on asking my S-Kids about their Mom, EVERY SINGLE TIME we see them. And I swear, they wait to ask them until I am right there. Give it up - they haven't even seen her since the divorce ten years ago, and even before that they weren't even close!
Thankfully we only see them once a year or so. I hope this doesn't become a common occurrence for you, it is ridiculously difficult to remain calm and poised in situations like that.
Hang in there, being a SM is challenging and and you definitely need a bit of a tough skin, but try to remember that all of this is just as confusing for the kids too. --M
Thanks, you put the priority
Thanks, you put the priority on the right thing there -- She is confused too and still trying to figure out how she can/should interact with me... I think it is more pronounced as she gets older and thinks more about her two families.
I do remember that and try to never respond with irritation or anger toward her... But I'm not as good at the letting it bounce off me part.
It's not all that common for his family to talk about BM as much as they did this weekend. Usually she'll come up in a less intrusive way, or else in a negative way, as they never cared much for her. I guess I also have to remember that it helps SD to feel like everyone is part of her family when BM is brought up in a neutral or good way. I worry about how uncomfortable it makes her when her dad's family says bad things about her mom, or probably the other way around too although I don't know her mom's family. It seems like she feels like she has to complain about her mom to her dad a lot.
Stepsoftly!! Welcome! I
Stepsoftly!! Welcome! I can so relate to what you have written. I met DH when SD was 8, and I have no children of my own.
SD was sometimes sweet, but oftentimes very bratty to me when I was first with DH. Of course, DH didn't see it or wouldn't, at the time. I felt the same lostness (is that word??!!) and the same feelings of "I shouldn't let this get to me" as you describe.
I also went thru the same kind of stuff with the in-laws, when MIL brought out wedding pictures of DH and BM for SD to look at . Of course, I could understand why it was important for SD to see them, and I just happened to be there... BUT... I couldn't help but feel like I wanted to ask MIL.."Do you REALLY have to bring this up today??" MIL also used to comment on how nice BM was. This all drove DH up a wall, by the way, because when he and BM divorced, BM went over to DH's parents' house, playing the role of the forsaken wife, who would do anything for her husband blah blah blah.
Just know that
1. YOu aren't alone!
2. Your husband does sound like he is sensitive to your needs, so please try to talk to him, when you can, and not "take it out on him".
3. Your relationship with your SD will get better if you try to treat your SD as you would any other child who needs your love, help and guidance and whose mother you are not close to. The reason I say this is that you cannot ignore who SD's mom is, but that shouldn't stop you from having your own relationship with SD.
4. Try to stay as patient and loving as you can. There IS light at the end of this tunnel. My SD is now 16 years old, going on 17 in October. When she was 9 , I took her and her dad out to a family style Italian restaurant for a treat because I had just got home from a long business trip. SD was a brat at the dinner the entire night. DH didn't notice. This was early in my relationship with DH and I was feeling exactly as you described above. Well, now to the present, not too long ago, SD herself was talking to DH and talked about that dinner and said she was being very bratty that night!! Later DH asked me if I remembered and I was shocked and said "YES!! I was seriously questioning if I could do this!!" Anyway, my point is, if you stay loving and true to yourself, I think your SD will come around.
Finally... and this is a controversial one, but it worked for me here.. Don't be afraid to "parent" this child when she is in your home. Set your own boundaries and guidelines. Discuss them with DH. I am not talking so much about punishment, but about not being afraid to say to your SD - "Hey, that's not nice!" or "That's inappropriate behavior". YOU are a part of this girl's life and it looks like you are going to stay a part of this girl's life. You need to establish your role as an adult and a parent. (Or maybe like some of us - a cool "aunt" type of figure).
You may want to read some of my past posts, because I can bet you will be able to relate to some of my frustrations.
Best of luck. Stay strong. I think you will be okay - Really!
Stick, thank you. Your reply
Stick, thank you. Your reply is so reassuring! I really want to have a future where we all 3 relate like a family -- and I know how I handle my relationship with SD will have a lot to do with that, cause my relationship with FDH is great, and so is his with his daughter. You are right about the whole list, but especially that I need to make it clear what my role is. It may be easier for her to know what that is once we are married? I don't know, but I think I will continue talking with FDH about it. We have had a few tentative parenting conversations before.
You are right in that he is very responsive to me... he's not perfect but he's a wonderful man.
Anyway thank you again, and I sure will go read your posts.