Newbie in desperate need of help!
I'm sooo pleased I found this site - finally people who understand MY feelings!
I have been living with my fiance for 2 years now, he has a son who is 7 from his previous marriage who we see every other weekend, I have no children of my own yet. I REALLY need some advice. My fiance and I often talk about what it will be like when we have kids, which like every woman I look forward to, but the thought that my first child will not be his first child really hurts me. I get upset because I want my having a child to be a new learning experince for us both. I don't want my partner to already know how often you need to feed a baby or how to potty train a toddler, I want us to discover how to do things together. I get upset (though don't show it) when fiance talks about what it was like and how he felt at birth of his first child, his son's first steps etc. I really love this man and know that he is the perfect one for me (having already kissed a few frogs!), but my hurt over not being able to give him his first child, first parents evening, even maybe his first grandchild etc is starting to consume me to the point that I sometimes try to belittle any stories about things he and his son have done together he shares with me even though I know this is wrong. I am worried that I may never get over this insecurity or that it may cost me the best relationship I have ever had.
PLEASE HELP!
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I felt the same way
I talked to my husband about my feelings. He reasured me that it would still be a special event for him, because it would be our first child together. It still bothers that when we have a child it will not be the same experience for him as it will for me.
Ditto
I feel the same way and have the same thoughts. I don't know if it helps but try to remember this this will be his first child with YOU and that you will be going through this together for the FIRST TIME as a couple. This thought helps me when I start feeling insecure about having my first child with my husband who already has 2 of his own.
I share your feelings...
I have two of my own children and he has three kids. They are older and were teens when we got together but I still felt the way that you do. I wanted more than anything to be able to share those firsts with him but knowing that would never happen. It is the same with grandchildren too. He has one grand daughter and I have one (the oldest). His daughter is expecting again and if it is a boy...LOOK OUT! It will be like my DH has grown a third testicle! His dream was to have a son...he did after two girls. And now he would like a grandson. I am such a little shit...I hope that it is a girl again!
Anyways, wanted to say that your feelings are very normal! But try not to dwell on them too much because YOU WILL have the chance to share child rearing with him and every experience is different and has a lot to do with the relationship between the parents who are sharing the experience together.
I feel exactly the same
When we are looking at baby stuff and he will say oh you will need this and this and these are great to have, etc, I have to force myself not to get mad because I know he has already done this with a women whom I would not pee on if she was on fire. It makes me sick to think about but for the sake of my sanity, I have to put it out of my mind. We have talked several times about how nothing we will do will be "his first time." But you know what, over the last several years, we have had huge "first times" together. We bought our first and second homes together, bought our first investment property together. bought him his first brand new car together. Went on certain destinations for the first time together. We both had our first honeymoom together. We both had a real wedding for the first time together. There are so many things I could go on and on. My point here is that no, this may not be his "first" child and he may already know the ropes but this will be YOUR (meaning the 2 of you) first child together. And every child is different with different wants and needs and personalities. So this will certainly be our first child. I see DH knowing the ropes as an advantage a lot of parents do not get. If I am overwhelmed and do not know what else to do, he will be able to step in and take over and know what they need. You have to get control over your mind and keep telling yourself this is going to to be a totally unique experience for either of you.
Been THere!
I have definitaly been there and often find myself a little resentful because we never get to experiance a first together. Showers, wedding, babies, first day of school. The list goes on forever. I have two bits of advice that I hope will help. FIrst, tell him how you feel. Let him know how important it is for him to validate your "first" experiance and that it is important for him to try not to compare or act loke a know it all or to minimize how important all of the little first you will have are. Second do not become me. Do not let it consume you becuase it will hurt your relationship to a point that you become angry and often resentful. The reality is you chose a man that just so happens to have a child. You unknowingly fell in love with a man that has happen to experiance his first with someone else. You know need to sit and think, do I love this man enough to have my first with him or will I become like all those other women out there and let it consume me. IF you chose the later, I would step away and find a man that has not had his first with someone else. Reality will hit if you realy love him and can't imagine your "first" with anyone else.
Good Luck!
I can't answer it for you...
But I can say as the father of a daughter that if I met someone and we decided to have kids that it would be wonderful. No child is ever the same and its a wonderful experience from the man's perspective. I don't think my ex wife was ever more beautiful than when she was carrying our child. I think I wouldn't worry about "first" and look at how wonderful it will when you have children.
Kevin
Same Here
I have exactly the same feelings. I want to hear that everythign is better with ME the second wife. It seems as if Dh does not realise that every time he reminisce about his child's (SD12) babyhood, this is just like a freaking slap in teh face to me. I dont know how to say this to him. I think that he should realise that I am trying to forge a new life with him and that his past should be memories not to be looked back upon with me as his buddy.........gosh this sounds so bitter but it is how i feel.
I have
a completely different take on this. It is probably because I also had children before we got married. He has three & I have three (all grown except an almost 16 year old.) We talk about our children's birth's, first steps, etc. & I get great joy from learning about his experiences. We both had a life before we met. He wouldn't be him without all those experiences, nor would I be me! I really love him the way he is. He learned & became a kind and considerate individual because of his life experiences. He was "polished" and "aged" by his previous life. Sometimes this turns into baggage & sometimes it just makes people grow up -- in a good way. Maybe you could focus on this aspect of his past life.
What a fabulous attitude!
I really like your analogy and way of looking at life. I will remember this in the future. Thanks!
i know exactly how you feel.
i know exactly how you feel. my hubby has a 12 year old boy from a former 'relationship.' although he's been very quiet about reminiscing about his son's babyhood while we were pregnant with our first baby together, i still felt tension and disappointment. remember though, you CHOSE him and the life he brings with him. if you wanted to experience this with someone for the first time, you should remember that you could have chosen a man that didn't have kids already.
having said that, after our daughter was born, i realized that THIS experience was after all, the BEST one yet for him. because it was with me. and he loves me. as i do him. and i know for a fact, he never felt that bond with his son's mother. as a result, our daughter has completed this perfect circle of love. ok, its' far from perfect, there is still tension in the family now and then, especially when it comes to his 12 year old moody and sometimes narcissistic son, however, i know in my heart when i see him with our daughter, that THIS time, it's different. this time, it's the way he always dreamed it would be. we're together. a family. and he's no longer with his son's mother. they are a fragmented family that didn't make it. which is unfortunate and sad for the kids of these relationships, but his son knows we are there for him if he lets us be.
good luck. and know that you are not crazy for feeling the way you do.
Moody Blue
I love how you said that your daughter completed this perfect circle of love. I have discusses having a child with my fiance, he's actually the one who initiates it every time. We have sat the kids down and talked to them about it. All three are very excited about having another baby in the family. The youngest is four and a half, and she said that its time for another princess. The oldest is ten and she can't wait either. The boy is 7, and he said that if I have a baby with daddy, that it better be a boy, there are already too many girls in the family. I think if they have their way, I will be married and pregnant before the year is up. I have tried to tell them that I want a long engagement, but they feel that if daddy and I are in love, and I love them and they love me, what is the point in waiting?
I'm scared. I'm terrified that the things I read about on this site will happen to me. Things are extremely amicable and cordial with the ex. We get along great. We help each other out. She has also stated that she thinks we will be married in the next year or two, and that we are perfect for each other. I don't know why I feel like I am waiting for the axe to drop.
I came on this site because I mainly needed help dealing with the boy. He would withdraw when his mother came around, and wouldn't be as affectionate. I learned on here how to cope with that. I sat him down and told him what someone on this site suggested. Not to me directly, but in someone elses post. It worked. He didn't feel guilty that he loved me as well as his mommy. I walked away from this site with one fear down, but learned about how many more I might have to face in the years to come.
My fiance wants a second chance at things. He was always deployed when the kids were young, so to him, this would be the first time. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will not marry or procreate with him until he is out of the military. That gives me two years to figure things out with this family.
You can't walk in to a relationship with regrets already. There are a lot of things that you won't be first at. But think of all the first that you will have together. Your first kiss, your first time, the first I love you, when he proposed, your first Christmas, your first trip together, your first home. There are so many more first to look forward to. Your child first Christmas, first step, first word, first birthday. Rejoice in that.
Firsts
You know... I never looked at it that way. Judy L, I know you've taken a lot of heat as an anonymous poster lately, but what you just said resonated with me. (One of the reasons I vote to keep anons!)
My DH has five kids and I have literally MOANED over the loss of all the firsts with him. But if I think about it, I've had a hand in raising a whole mess of kids - actually lived with one sister when her youngest was an infant and cared for him probably 50% of the time - so chances are I'll be making comparisons between our baby on the way and them as much or more than he'll make comparisons to the skids.
BUT... in addition to it being our first together, it's the BABY'S first EVERYTHING! Can't believe I never thought of that - such a simple turn can completely change the light on a topic.
Thanks, Judy
Blueberry's Baby
Thank you so much everybody.
Thanks for your comments, I was worried that nobody would respond, being a newbie and all. A lot of what I have read has made alot of sense to me. It was especially nice to get the guys view (thanx Kevin and Steve), I guess I just have to focus on the fact that any future children will be the FIRST time that my fiance and I have been joined together in this way and just leave the past behind me and live in MY relationship not HIS PAST relationship.
Thanks again it is really appreciated.
this post helped
Hi....yup, I'm pregnant and I feel the same concerns you do. I try to look at the positive and the trade offs...it helps a little, but maybe I just need to do it more. At first, he would make comments like "by now, the baby should be this big....etc." What killed me was when I asked how do pregnant women have sex (this was probably me thinking out loud)..he responded..I said "HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?" I couldn't think about it...it hurted, but hey, SD came about somehow right? I finally told him "I'm goign to drive myself crazy and stress out..it's not good for me or our baby...it hurts knowing that you've already gone through this before, so I want to know NOW exactly what you've done so I'm not left wondering if this is your first or second time doing this. Just because you've already done something doesn't mean we can skimp out on certain classes..because this is MY FIRST TIME." Luckily, I guess, he wasn't really involved in BM/SD's upbringing. He proposed to her becuase he thought it was the right thing to do since she was pregnant. She told him she didn't want to get married just cuz she was pregnant. She regrets it now (she'll reminisce with SD about the time her and my DH had together). So....I don't have an answer, I'm going through it now..but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone...I have to thikn of the FIRSTS that we had that BM NEVER had..the cars, vacations, wedding, and now our child, that we mutually agreed on having (unlike her pregnancy). that has to count for something yah know...
d
d
Maybe it's easier for me...
When DH & I met I had 6YO son and he had a 3YO daughter. Neither of us will have each other's firsts. I had more experience than he and his EX in the baby/kid department (even though I am younger than both of them). The two of them waited til EX was 31 and my DH was around 27. I had my son when I was 20. (thank goodness I was young b/c that boy keeps me on my toes)
My DH & I have talked about having another child, one of our own flesh & blood. DH really wants a child with me. But there are things that seem to stop us---one was my indecision about having a baby at 30 b/c I feel it's too old for me. The other main thing is that DH had a vasectomy when SD was born because he did not want more kids with EX. We looked in to it after about a year of being married---it cost $7500 at the time for the reversal. Insurance wouldn't pay any of it so it would be coming out of our pockets.
I guess I never really thought about their "experience" together because he never really brings it up (nor his EX in general unless it's contempt in his voice). The only things he's ever really mentioned was A: There is a videotape of the delivery (This is only got brought up because I refuse to have one) B: He said BM almost died giving birth because she lost so much blood. As much as BM irritates us sometimes I would never wish for SD to be without her real mother. I think that would be a hard thing for SD to live with.
"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."
On the bright side
He can't feign ignorance when it comes to changing diapers!! Or giving baths, or making bottles, or burping, etc etc. When I was with my ex and I babysat for friends, he would sit there while I struggled with everything. He felt that since I volunteered to watch my friends babies that I should be the one to shoulder all the responsibility. True, I guess?? But I wanted to see how he would react with an infant (2 months). He failed miserably. On top of that, he said that he expects things to remain the same, meaning the house will be clean at all times, the laundry done, and dinner on the table. First of all, I watched the baby for nine hours a day, then went to work for 8 hours a day. There was no way. But he said that he should not be made to suffer just because I wanted to help my friends out who couldn't afford daycare. I watched her for two years for free, and watched other friends babies at the same time if they had appts to go to. Needless to say, he is an ex for a reason, not just because of the cheating.
Back to the subject: you have a pro on your hands!! Take advantage of it!! If you're not breastfeeding, make him get up to make the bottle the right temperature. After you feed him/her, let your DH do the burping, take turns changing diapers and giving baths.