My Current Boyfriend's Family invites ex to Family Functions
BACKGROUND:
I have been with my divorced boyfriend for 2+ years now. We started dating after he filed for a divorce as this was a condition (that he was filed) for me to date him. I do not believe it is healthy to date a separated man with no light at the end of tunnel. We lived in seperate residences up until a few months ago when we decided to move in together. He has two children from his previous marriage. He was seperated from his ex-wife for 3 years before filing. His family is very traditional. He is one of 5 children and the only boy. His mother and father really feel horrible about the divorce and believe that he should've stayed and worked it out as divorces just shouldn't happen. They feel compassion for his ex and his mother still speaks to her often. She calls her more than she calls him. He has had conversations but his family tells him why should they stop talking to her, she's been around for 12 years. I have never met his parents, by choice becuase I don't really feel that they would be very welcoming given the situation nor have they really asked to get to know me. I come from a very kind and loving family. I am a very nice person and am very loving myself so this whole concept is odd. I have met his younger sister and went to visit her new baby with him. She was very sweet and talked alot but didn't really ask me questions about my life, work or anything personal at all. Just made small talk and it wasn't super strained so I was ok.
Now that you have the background, here is the issue...
His sister, who I mentioned above, has invited us to the baby's christening. She has also invited his ex. She is not close to the ex like the parents are and really doesn't see her much. I did find out from my current boyfriend that apparently his family was always inviting her to events the entire time we were dating and she would go. I didnt know this before, it all came out as a result of this invite. He told me that this is why he has not attended some functions. I didnt even know that he was avoiding family functions, he never mentioned it. I just figured they didn't have very many. I don't even know how many she has attended and I am not sure at this point if it matters. The point is that he has told his family that this should not be occurring. The seem not to be listening but the part that is odd is that when he asks them why she was invited and they give a small excuse, he doesn't really probe much, he just accepts it because he can't change it. If it was me, I would get to the bottom of it with my family as I would not allow them to hurt my current love. Ok so I am not going to this function. I do not want to be around people who obviously do not care how he or I feel. He is the godfather so he is going and so is she. This is just wrong but I want to know how other people think. Am I just being overly sensitive? Am I wrong to assume they should stop inviting her?
- jjj111's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think you should go even if
I think you should go even if it is just to make an appearance. I agree that the parents may just want to see the grandkids.
Besides if you don't give them a cahnce to get to know how nice you are they may form a different picture of you. It is up to you to change that.
I like this reply. I am
I like this reply. I am going through something similar and wish that my girlfriend would attend functions with my family and friends so they can see what it is about her that makes me love her the way I do. My girlfriend changed my life in the most incredible way possible, and I now know the true meaning of happiness and love. She avoids coming to functions because, I believe, she has a preconceived notion that she is hated or will have insults hurled at her. Maybe she will, but it will not be tolerated by myself. Also because my family and friends are still in contact with my ex. It's unavoidable as we were together for 20 years. She has an ex husband that makes her life difficult on a daily basis. I support her 100% with her situation and just try to be there and not let that part bother me, because it's something either of us can change. I would like her to see that I am supportive and tolerant of her situation and be the same with me. Our relationship didn't start out as "Once upon a time", and it isn't perfect because of outside influences, BUT it's worth it. There are days when I feel like she's just waiting for me to say to her "I've had enough" and for me to walk out the door because she feels like she is disliked or because I've had enough of her ex. But that day isn't coming. This is a human being that is worth fighting for. My ex is around a lot, and her name is brought up on a regular basis because of our children. Because both of us have children with other people, those people will always be in our lives to some degree. And more importantly than anything is our kids happiness and well being. No one is asking the ex's to be our friends or have relationships outside of the kids, but we will all have to communicate and get along. When a marriage ends it's the couple that ends it in most cases and friends and family can feel confused and needing to choose sides. Unfortunately the new couple can feel excluded and unwanted by these people, sometimes even disrespected and hated. But this is the new normal and if friends and family truly like or love the friend or family member they will accept their decision and path of happiness. If they don't then they aren't worth having in your life. But you can't move forward without putting yourself out there and show you belong in this persons life, and their decision to be part of your life was because it was you that made them happy. Go to the functions and don't let other people influence who you are or affect your happiness. It's a difficult situation sometimes, but in the end nothing has ever been better then where I am at today in my life and it's only going to get better with time.
How you feel is how you feel
How you feel is how you feel which can never be wrong. What can be wrong is expecting others to change. If this is something you cannot tolerate then you need to express that to your boyfriend. If any request is to be made to his family about them not inviting the ex to functions it should be made by him and the follow through should come in the form of him not attending the functions the ex will attend.
Thanks for the comments. He
Thanks for the comments. He has made this request already for past functions but he is still going to the Christening because he is the Godfather. I know it's harsh but if the tables were turned, I would turn my family down but you are right, I can't change this.
No you are not being overly
No you are not being overly sensitive, nor are you wrong. Depending on how long your BF and his ExW were together I could understand if the Mother still spoke with her, but inviting her to family functions is out of line, in my opinion. If mother would like to continue an amicable relationship with the ex, then she should be doing so on her own time. Her son is her child, not the ex. She should be putting his feelings and requests before the ex's. You said BF has told them he is not comfortable with this situation and that they don't seem to care. Be polite to his family when you are around them, but if they don't care to get to know you, oh well, their loss. The only thing I would say to do is not attend the family functions she is present at, and continue telling the parents how much he wishes that sort of thing to stop. It's hard when the parents are very "traditional", but be adamant that this is unacceptable.
i would meet the
i would meet the parents....how would they know if they like you or not until they meet you, if you are a nice person and polite, hopefully they will be the same regardless of their feelings about their sons actions/choices.
if they dont know you, then why would they consider your feelings, especially if they know that you are not going to attend. i think you should make an effort...meet them, go to things even if his ex is there. maybe his ex will stop going, and in the best case scenario maybe his parents will grow to have a relationship with you because their son loves you and stop inviting the ex.....but until then they dont really have a reason to stop talking to her.
i also would suggest too though..hope for the best and plan for the worst. give your self a way out of situations if the family is rude or his ex is psyhco...
also, if you meet his family and they are rude or still disrespectful, that will give him more grounds to speak with them about not inviting his ex because you are going to be coming to things, and its un comfortable for the both of you
Thanks so much. These
Thanks so much. These comments really do help. Makes me want to stop being so angry and just go. I am still so disappointed in my boyfriend though that he doesn't do more to back me. I am trying to let it go but it's so unnatural to not let it upset me. I guess I just have to keep trying.
hopefully this will help
hopefully this will help you......the way your boyfriend is acting is completely normal!! most men act this way when dealing with this.my husband too, acted like this in the beginning. the thing is, that before you came along, this is how things went. and its not something that your boyfriend will be able to change right away...it takes time. alot of men are use to being told what to do by their mother and ex wifes, so to them they are just use to it. trust that your boyfriend will eventually see things from your point of view, just give him all the information and eventually he will get angry as you are about things and handle them!!
for me, my mother in law is SATAN!! she is absolutely the most horrible witch on the face of the earth. she dis likes me so much and tried to come between my husband and i and when he chose me she got so mad she became best buddies with his ex and made up all kinds of lies to try and help his ex take my husbands son away from him. of course it didnt work, but before i cried so many times when my husband gave his mom the benefit of the doubt when she was teating me horribly...finally i just sat back and let her hang herself, it didnt take very many more times before my husband saw his mom for exactly who she is!!
hang in there...and i say meet them!! you seem really nice..if you meet them and are super nice your boyfriend will have to see it if they are still rude to you, and then maybe that will make him angry since they are being rude when you are trying to be nice to them and he will put them in their place!! and even if they never listen to your boyfriend at least you will know he cares about how you feel!!
my in-laws will never treat me right no matter what my husband tells them, and for that reason we have nothing to do with any of them, at all, he doesnt even talk to his mother. sometimes i get angry that they are so stupid...but in the end i just need to focus on the fact that my husband treats me right and loves me and thats what matters!!
I think you are being a tad
I think you are being a tad sensitive. But I would probably feel the same way as you.
I would also make darn sure that I was by my man’s side when he goes to these functions. Maybe they invite her so much, because they figure you won’t go anyway, so why not invite the last DIL. KWIM?
My advice it to nip this in the butt now. Go with your man and be proud and get to know his family. Maybe that is what they are waiting for.
I know that my ex’s family still clung to me a bit after the divorce. I was their daughter for many years so it was a hard habit to break. When ex got remarried, she was ALWAYS by my ex’s side and now it is all totally her with the ex’s family. Just get to know them and stand my your SO at all times.
Hi JJJ, I agree with what
Hi JJJ,
I agree with what everyone else said. I think they maintain contact with BM so they can see the grandkids. That is fine. If they want to hang out with her on their own time? Fine.
What is not fine is their inviting her over for functions that have nothing to do with the kids. I think you should go to meet them. Just be your nice, sweet self. I don't think your BF can do much more to back you up. We can only control our own actions, and he can't control his folks. But he can continue to speak up, and tell them that it's fine if they want to maintain a relationship with BM, even if it's only to see the kids, but they need to not invite her over for family functions that aren't for the kids.
I just wanted to post on this
I just wanted to post on this because my ex in-laws and I are still on great terms. His mom calls me to BS with me and of course calls and talks to her grand baby. They used to invite me to family function and for a while I would go but at that time my ex was not dating anyone. Once him introduced his current GF to his parents I stoped going over there. When I take my daughter over there to spend time with her grandparents I do stay for a while and chat with them. So I think that since his ex wife knows you guys are serious she should not be going and she should spend time with his mom on thier own time not family time.
i agree with you...in this
i agree with you...in this case.
i think the way the ex treats your bf/dh matter too though.
bm was harassing us and putting us through hell, i think that in that case it was perfectly ok to expect that mil would have zero communication with bm, especially since we have 50/50 and mil could see ss through us. plus, mil hated bm when they were married, never had a relationship with her, and bm and dh were not even married a year!
Sounds just like my BFs mom.
Sounds just like my BFs mom. She is friends with his ex wife. When she wants to talk to the kids she calls BM. When she sends birthday and xmas stuff she sends them to BM. She even invited BM out to a family function all the way in MD, we live in CA. So she paid for all three plain tickets for them to go there. BF has a older daughter who lives in MD so his ex-wife got to spend time with his daughter and he wasnt able to.
I agree with the PPs, with
I agree with the PPs, with the exception that the grandparents are keeping in touch for the sake of the kids. If your DH's parents want to keep in contact with the kids, what does that have to do with DH's ex? Yes, she's the mother, but he's the father. They can call the kids whenever they like, and if they want the kids to come for a visit, your DH can bring them. BM should not be involved in family functions.
I'm going thru the same thing right now, only the SD and SS are adults. Yet the BM still visits and keeps in touch. This has nothing to do with the kids as they are old enough and have their own cars, cell phones, etc. It's just an excuse.
It is very hard. I talked
It is very hard. I talked this through with my boyfriend last night and decided that I am going to go. He called her and asked her not to attend and she stated that she has every right to attend as she was invited and that her kids have a right to see their grandparents. At that stage if I were he I would've said "I agree, they do have a right to see their grandparents so what time did you want me to pick them up?" Not only am I going but I am considering sitting next to her and cordially saying hello. That'll really roast her goat. He is the Godfather so he will be up near the altar in front.
"Not only am I going but I am
"Not only am I going but I am considering sitting next to her and cordially saying hello. That'll really roast her goat."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Absolutely! Last time I was in a position like this with BM, she glared at me from the time I walked through the door. We were at a birthday party for SS. Skids were sitting at a table already, so we went & sat at the table next to them. Apparently, she couldn't have me talking to skids without her hearing what was said, so she came over & sat down next to SD. I smiled at her & said, "Wow, BM. You cut all your hair off. I really like it. It looks really good on you,". I instantly felt DH's eyes on me, terrified of what was happening. MIL did a double take & was listening with ears wide open. SD lit up & smiled, because I made an effort to be cordial. And BM didn't know WHAT to say. She was caught completely off-guard. With everyone there to witness, she had no choice but to be cordial back. She was able to muster up a "Thanks", & walked away in shock. I don't think people were shocked by my kindness. I think it took everyone by surprise that rather than sit in irritable uncomfortable awkward silence, I came out full-force with (what I felt was) a very generous compliment.
I think you should go, & I think you should be cordial. If she chooses not to be cordial back, it'll just make her look like an ignorant fool.
I know when I would attend things before, DH & I always seemed to get pushed into the background, & BM would always be in the spotlight...always in the pictures. I've decided, if not me, at least DH has the right to share the spotlight with his kids too, so I've made a point to be more outspoken & to approach different people & introduce myself. That way, we don't have to sit in the shadows.
I like it. Thanks. Feeling
I like it. Thanks. Feeling more and more empowered.
Thanks everyone for your kind
Thanks everyone for your kind comments. It really does help to have others who understand what you are going through. As I said above, I decided to go and be the bigger person. I may also sit next to her, see if she likes the company ;), since he will be up front doing his Godfatherly duties.
Hello, I hope all went well
Hello, I hope all went well for you. I just want to say you are not alone with your feelings. I have a similar problem except I have spent time with the parents and they seem to like me and my kids.
The thing is the ex wife is invited to a family function now and then. I think it is for their grandkids who are now adults..what is really hard is that the ex still talks to my bf like they are still married. She is really loud and bossy; I have had to hold my tongue in order to keep the peace. The whole situation is a very awkward violation of our relationship. We have been happily together for 1.5 years and It's as if I am the fifth wheel when she is around.
I do not want to sound completely intolerant about it. I know there are situations where it works out for people and kudos to them. I think there definitely has to be some tolerance for the exes regardless of how it makes us feel, because there are times we have to be around them ie.. graduations, weddings, etc. But, the private family functions should stay private especially when there is a new relationship blooming.
The problem is that some divorced people do not consider the future, allowing it to happen because they are not in a current relationship...there is no hurt. But when a relationship does develop, the old habits continue and they do not want to hurt anyone's feelings. Most people who enter into a relationship want to be liked and accepted. It is hard to feel you are part of the family when the ex is there with seniority... reminiscing and over-shadowing you. It would make just about anyone feel uncomfortable.
I hope you went to the christening since that is a big deal. As for other non-important events the ex is invited to, I think it is your prerogative to bow out gracefully. I do think it is important for you to get to know his parents. Whether they accept you or not isn't as important as you making the effort. Maybe your guy will start putting his foot down when he sees that you are trying to be part of the family and they continue to bring the ex around.
Hello, yes I did go to the
Hello, yes I did go to the christening. When we walked into the church, she was already there with the girls sitting next to his parents, and then next to the parents was one of his sisters. He saw this and immediately grabbed my hand and continued to walk into the church. Her face went ghost white and the girls just waived to me. His sister that was sitting next to the parents walked right up to us and invited me to sit next to her. I've never met her before but she did say to me, "you know my parents and obviously you know "her" "(name excluded from here for privacy) and then she proceeded to say that she had to be here because she's the children's mother and i wanted to say "what does that have to do with anything, he's the father and your brother and he doesn't want her here....", but i held my tongue. My boyfriend had to be in front because he was the Godfather. I sucked it up and then we went to the after party afterward. He and I sat in one area and she sat with the girls in another. His parents and sisters were in another spot. After about 10 minutes of that, he and I said our goodbyes and left. He will not go to any more functions if she is invited so he was very supportive. I just adore him. Your boyfriend needs to straighten out his family and do the same. I hope that he can do this for you as he needs to prove that the only one in his life is you now and they need to understand that. Either way, she's gotta go. You've been around for 1.5 years and maybe the family isn't certain of your future with him but then he needs to clarify that with them and show that this is unacceptable.
WOW! I can understand your
WOW! I can understand your bf's mom keeping in touch with Ex.. as they were together a long time and it is understandable that there was a family connection. however, mom should NOT be inviting ex to family functions she should respect her son. if she wants to talk to ex... its called the occassional email and/or a christmas card!!!!
im in the same boat here... EXCEPT my DH's "ex" was a fling in which they shared a child as a result.. NEVER marriage infact "ex" never met mom until after baby came. "i' have been married to him for 6 years and the MIL invites her for dinner etc... WTF is that?
Talk about horribly inappropriate! but she doesnt care, DH brings it up and they just fight about it.
I am so sorry to hear that.
I am so sorry to hear that. It is very inappropriate and should not happen. Your husband should stand his ground with the mother in law. I know it's hard for him but the mil needs to know how wrong this is.
I am in similar situation. My
I am in similar situation. My sister in law invited dhs ex to her wedding. They have never been close. But decided to become friends 3 years after they divorced and he was with me. All the other inlaws mind contact unless she calls. In fact they can't stand her. Never could. They like mr though.
Well dh was mad at sil and bil and thinks they should never have done that and got into a massive fight. Now sil contacted me and blamed me for everything. She went mad at me for no reason. I didn't say a thing. She told me then she wishes no contact with me ever again.
Guess what, she claimed inviting the ex cause of the kids. That's untrue as we could have taken them with us.
Now I think I am not invited at all LOL. If I am not dh won't attend.
Just tell h u so u can be carefull. It might come back to u even u didn't say a thing.
You should go to the wedding
You should go to the wedding regardless. If you were originally invited then go unless they uninvite you. Be cordial and congratulatory. Do not worry, take the high road and let them know that they cannot break your pride. You are a strong woman and no one can get the best of you. If you hold your head high, others including your husband will admire this. Do not worry, you know how wonderful you are, let them be catty and nasty their whole lives. You have better things to do with your time.
I'd just say keep in mind
I'd just say keep in mind that to their eyes, his ex-wife is the mother of their grandchildren--that is a position that won't change. And they may feel that the mother of their grandchildren was treated poorly by their son. They may also feel she's doing a good job raising them. None of this has anything to do with how they feel about you.
Thank You, I agree. Since
Thank You, I agree. Since this posting this past summer, his ex has even attended thanksgiving dinner at his parents house with the kids. I told him I had no interest in going over to his parents for thanksgiving and having her there. This is going too far. He ended up blowing his parents off. This is such an awful mix we are in. No wonder it's only a 40% success rate for second marriages.