Am I beeing unfair?
Hello everyone. I first want to say that I am so happy to have found this site. I think it's a very helpful sight to us "Step parents". When I first got together with my now husband his daughter was 3 and because we were barely dating he never realy brought her around. I would say he started "kinda" bringing her around about 6months into our relation ship, but I still did'nt realy see that much of her. A year after we got married and I became pregnant with our first son (I only have kids with him). After my son was born my husband started picking up his daughter every weekend (Friday after noon till sunday night) and sometimes in between the week to. At first it did'nt realy bug me (or I was blinded by our newly love), but after a while of doing this every weekend I started to feel like he was putting more attention to her than to my son and I. The reason why I felt that way was because he only took her needs and wants into consideration and not ours. For example if I wanted to go somewere he would always say "but I dont think she wants to do that, let me ask her what she wants to do". And that story was repeated EVERY WEEKEND. I bgan to feel like he was not happy because he could'nt have his daughter every day. That part I understood but I didnt get why he was forgetting that he now had a wife and a son to pay attention to also. I decided to ask him what was going on and he said that he went from having his daughter EVERY day to every weekend and that I HAD to understand that and please him if he wanted to pick her up every weekend and only be with her (or most of the time). At first I agreed because I was afraid to loose him but then after a year of doing that I couldnt take it anymore and I moved out. After a few days of me moving out he reached out to me and said that he wanted us to give a relationship another try. At first I wasnt to sure because I was afraid that he would do the same but after 2months of beeing separated I decided to give "us" another try.Only this time I gave him "conditions" he could only pick up his daughter every other weekend and put my son and I first. He excepted and we have been doing this for 6 years already. His daughter and I have a good relation ship and everyone seems to like this arangement ( we have a small daughter too). In the begining I felt a lil guilty like I was taking her dad from her but that was not at all my intentions I just wanted him to realize that now he had a family to take cake care of as well as his daughter. Do you guys think its a normal reaction or was I beeing unfair?
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I believe that is perfectly
I believe that is perfectly normal. Yes, he might have a daughter, but if her needs are always before your and his other kids, as your kids get older they too would resent him. I heard alot of "but I see our son everyday"...yes, for a couple of hours...not like the weekend! You cannot elect to have a family and then always put your first kids and their life & wishes first. If that is the intent, you should stay single...and he didn't.
Good luck...I think you are on the right path...when our DHs put us and our kids together last, the resentment builds up and they end up w/ two broken families.
Thank you... Things have
Thank you... Things have been better ever since i gave him "conditions" but the one thing that still bugs me a lil is that Ive noticed that when she is with us he always wants to do stuff for the "kids" and when she is not around he wont realy care if we take the kids out... Ive just told him to try and be fair because YES he DOES live with us but that doesnt necessarily mean that he spends "Time" with us because mon-fri when he comes home from work he is tired so we only have the weekend to take advantage of...
It appears to have worked in
It appears to have worked in your situation so it was the right thing for that scenario. For me, had my husband (not the father of my children) ever said what you said or tried to restrict when and how I could see my own children who were in my life before he was....he would have been out the door so fast his head would have spun- regardless of whether we were dating or married.
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards
Gestalt I understand you
Gestalt I understand you because even I would not let some guy tell me when I can or cant see my kids, but this is what you dont understand I NEVER told him to not pick her up or to not give a crap about what she wanted to do when she was with us I ALWAYS kept quiet until I couldnt take it anymore... just because he had a kid b4 meeting me doesnt mean that he has to put me as #2 and our son
She didn't seem to have told
She didn't seem to have told him he could not see his child...the choice is treating all kids the same. If he would have treated them all the same, I doubt this would have happened. He obviously believes that if his daughter is around, he can only focus on her...seems to me he could've treated all kids the same and avoided this...but he made the choice.
My husband works mon-fri and
My husband works mon-fri and is the primary bread winner and he is very tired when he gets home and on the weekends he wants to do things with his friends to. What I have done with him is set boundaries on that as well. I tell him that after work and the kids are asleep we have our time and the ocassional date on the weekends (finances permiting lol). Also we need to take at least one full weekend a month that is family time. Although every family will have a different thing think about what you want and ask what he wants then figure it out together. Hope this helps.
Thank you girls, like I said
Thank you girls, like I said things are 100% better now since I gave my husband his "conditions" he spends time with all 3 of his kids and me...