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Am I wrong??

Riley63's picture

Submitted by Riley63 on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 1:42pm

So a little of our situation is I am a soon to be stepmother to a 9 yr old girl. Her father has primary custody and her mom (who is BiPolar) only sees her every other weekend.

Recently, BM called DH to let him know that she had other plan on an upcoming weekend that she has SD and could not change her plans to accomodate her. On this weekend, she called multiple times to talk with SD but we were all busy and she was off playing with friends. She finally was able to speak with her once.

Since I felt that this took away from stuff that we had to do (the multiple phone calls, not the actual talking) I sent her a very polite email letting her know it was excessive and if she simply called once, we would make sure SD called her back. She flew off the handle and send a length email to DH that was very verbaly abusive towards me.

Any other time, she barely calls SD to talk except for once every other week right before she picks her up on Friday.

Am I wrong for feeling this way and was she right for attacking me in an email all because I expressed how I felt?

Comments

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 1:48pm

You probably should've let Dh handle it, though I understand. You are trying to reason with someone who is clearly unreasonable. BP people are hard to deal with and rarely make sense of things we thing make perfect sense.

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 1:49pm

You aren't wrong, but keep in mind you are dealing with a crazy person.

(Apologies to all people who are bipolar but who are managing the disorder.)

Being in the right, unfortunately, doesn't change anything. It's a hard lesson to learn, but you need to have your fiancée deal with her exclusively. The two of you decide things, and then he transmits the decision to her.

It's a hard lesson to learn, but I was in your shoes 3 1/2 years ago. Trust me, it's better this way.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Rain's picture

Submitted by Rain on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 1:49pm

Hmmm. I am on the fence on this one. Usually, I think the bio parents need to be the one’s to do the communicating. BUT, it looks like you will actually be raising this child full time, so you should have some say in it.

Maybe next time let DH send the e-mail. This one is hard. Sorry, not much help.

Abalyn's picture

Submitted by Abalyn on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 1:53pm

Were you wrong for feeling like it was excessive and intruding on your weekend? Not at all. But, and I mean this with all due respect, I do think you were wrong to contact BM about it. If DH has a problem with the excessive calls, then he should deal with it. If he doesn't have a problem with the excessive calls, then your problem is with DH, not BM.

How does DH feel about it? How did her calling interrupt your plans?

folkmom's picture

Submitted by folkmom on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 1:56pm

i think you should not have sent the email. it deflects from the point by you being the sender. instead of her focusing on the message, she focuses on who sent it. therefore, have hubby communicate. he should be anyways.

stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 5:48pm

yes I agree.

You are not wrong to feel this way but he should have sent the message if need be.

As you are a SM for awhile you will realize that venting here about these issues and not actual taking time to address BM is much better for you and your new family.

Pantera's picture

Submitted by Pantera on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 2:21pm

I am a full time stepmom too and we deal with this often. When we have SS call back, we tell him to let BM know why no one answered (SS was in the shower, or out playing with friends, ect.). It used to annoy us, now DH just turns the ringer off after the second call. I don't think you were wrong, but I would let DH handle all of that. I am saying this because I've been through the same thing. Don't sweat the small stuff.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Purpleflower09's picture

Submitted by Purpleflower09 on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 3:32pm

The only thing I can say is at all costs have minimal contact with the BM. Don't talk to her if you can help it, dotn email dont do NOTHING. Let the DH handle it, that is his headache, he decided to lay down with this woman and have a child. The least contact you have with BM ( if you can help it have none at all) the better off you will be and she can not come back at you for anything.
" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

almostover's picture

Submitted by almostover on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 7:16pm

You WERE TOTALLY RIGHT in sending the email. For those who think otherwise, try raising someone elses kids for 15 years when the BM only has them every other weekend (or in my case even less).

It is good to let the BM know that you have a say, and you have control in YOUR house. Letting DH handle everything only makes it worse. If you have that child that much, then YOU are the parent with more authority than the BM. Make sure she knows your boundaries RIGHT NOW before it gets out of control.

Trust me, you did just fine. Don't worry about the verbal abuse. You have at least 10 more years of it coming, so if it bothers you now, you better run for the hills honey.