In the real world...

In the real world, when you go somewhere every day to chat with friends, and someone continually comes up to your group and starts harassing you, there are things you can do.

You and your friends can get up and go somewhere else.
You can call a police officer and ask them to remove the person.
You can get a restraining order.
You can ask the manager of the place where you are to ban the person.
You can escort the person out and lock the door.

In the virtual world, what can you do?

belleboudeuse's blog
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ignore, ignore,

ignore, ignore, ignore.....it IS the reaction they're after anyway right?

bitch and moan about it? I

bitch and moan about it? I know that's my theory right now.

You can refuse to respond to

You can refuse to respond to the harrasser.
You can start a new blog.
You can isolate the person by not resonding to any of her comments or blogs.
You can tighten security of the website.
Glynne

You appeal to Admin,

You appeal to Admin, moderators and owners of this site to please do something. If nothing is done, it's a lost cause, and the site is not worth fighting for.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

It would be nice to have an

It would be nice to have an option when you create a blog to be able to block certain users from commenting. Facebook does it...

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Well, I know us gals with

Well, I know us gals with nose rings can be happy we'll do things a hooker won't do bc that means our husbands are some of the most satisfied,satiated men on the planet...and THAT is AWESOME!

so...that's what *I'M* gonna think about this so called problem:)

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We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

Then I need to get a nose

Then I need to get a nose ring!!

Sincerely,

"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"

This is an illustration of

This is an illustration of baiting back Gia...We have to stop that too in order to stop rewarding the persons who bait us.

I call it turning an insult

I call it turning an insult into a positive Sita. Not baiting. it's taking something that was hurtful and making it your own by finding a positive spin to put on it.

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We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

But what is the desired

But what is the desired goal? To perpetuate the negative? Or to neutralize it.

The outcome is that reverse baiting or turning it around on the person doing the baiting only encourages them to keep going.

That's why I call it baiting too.

Trust me, I've done my research as baiting is a bpd trait, and I found when I read up that I was responding by baiting back. It feels like retaliation, but it is baiting them to response as well.

Especially if they are baiting for negative attention, they are being rewarded. Their adrenaline increases, their nostrils flare (literally I have seen that) and their eyes light up with excitement- YES! I GOT to her!!!!!

Then they bite back to bait again and the cycle continues. It happens on here time and time and time again. The same exact pattern. If we continue to respond the same way, we can expect it to continue yes?

Sita, call it what you want

Sita, call it what you want based on your research. I'm telling you what *my* personal intention was and my heart wasn't set on baiting. It was set on making a funny and turning something hurtful into something light and funny.

That was my goal. I'm sorry you feel the goal was to bait...I am also sorry I thought your opinion of me was better than that.

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We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

No I get it BBB, and have

No I get it BBB, and have done it many times. It wasn't til I read the Eggshells book that I realized what I was doing with SD, and not until the moms of bpds responded to someone baiting me that I saw in work online. It literally evaporated and the guy never posted on my blog again. The moderators (who are far more heavy handed on there) never had time to even catch it.

It was beautiful to me who has been baited non-stop for 5 years.

So if your goal is purely comic relief it's accomplished. But if your goal is to stop the other person negatively affecting the site, then it's not accomplished but perpetuated through them being satisfied that you read and responded to it in any form.

Anyone who initiates this is either totally clueless to what they're bringing out (have seen that as sometimes people don't express themselves as they think they do online) , or is baiting for attention. So the only way to find out is remove the reward of attention after a bit, sit tight and stay true to that goal, and in most cases, they will leave and lurk to find attention elsewhere.

And to make it relative to topic...

It works on SKIDS too!

I can't see her behavior

I can't see her behavior stopping bc I did ignore her nasty's for a while even when it was on my own personal blogs. So I figure, if it doesn't stop I may as well use humor as the remedy. It's all I've got left for coping because ignoring things gets old after a while...

to follow your steps to make it relative...Bm's negativity was ignored for 3 solid years and it just built up and up...it didn't stop tapering off til I started laughing again.

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We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

Sita, I see your point, but

Sita, I see your point, but I didn't offend anybody, if someone says something stupid (trying to be a smart-a$$) I WILL find the humor in it. This is not a spiritual site, in which everything is peace and love is a venting site.

I don't like to disrespect anybody, and I expect the same, other than that is all good.

Sincerely,

"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"

THis is a fine example of

THis is a fine example of baiting,

If that's the case, and I

If that's the case, and I have no idea actually if it is, then it is because we are still talking about it.

I can't explain it further than that.

If you really want someone to go away and you feel they want your attention...

you simply remove the attention.

And if they stay then perhaps that wasn't really what was fueling them after all. But it's the only way to find out.

Otherwise they can just grab a new name and start the game again. Far better to remove the fun of the game if that's their true motive.

Just sayin'

I gotta go do something more productive with my day now though!

Just out of curiosity - I

Just out of curiosity - I logged back in. I thought someone indicated that any blogs containing a certain member name or blogs containing comments about a certain member would be removed.

Hmmmmm, I guess now I really am done, because nothing will ever be done.

Belle, In the virtual world,

Belle,

In the virtual world, you get the person's Ip address, and hack the computer.

Sincerely,

"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"

Seriously... DASP (Don't

Seriously... DASP (Don't argue with stupid people. They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience).

If you feel you MUST respond, just respond with "DASP". You don't need to defend yourself to someone that is insignificant in your life. You don't need to prove to anyone that you're not a hooker, that you're not a terrible parent, that you shouldn't have to eff off.

Defend your honor to people that matter. Who cares what someone on this site that you don't even like thinks of you?

Ignore. Friends respond to

Ignore. Friends respond to the poster with support. And the attention seeker gets bored.

But you must be diligent and have patience with the process.

I have seen it work. On a borderline site no less. Perhaps b/c the families of such recognize being baited in a millisecond. I will warn you that ignoring will first result in an "extinction burst" from the perpetrator of the baiting. Because their baiting was satisfactory in the past, so they will continue to bait, increasing the insults etc, until you respond with their desired response.

The example of this is on the bpd site. You walk up to an elevator. You push the button (nice metaphor eh?) and wait. The elevator does not respond. You calmly push the button. The elevator does not respond.

So you become angry and start pushing it multiple times and with more force- over and over.

Ummm....then you realize that you are not getting the response you want and you feel dejected as you head to the stairs.

That's what this is. And as a group we fall for it every time.

Until we as a group, are able to (every one of us) not respond to the offender, but offer support to the friend (without baiting the responder- I'm talking REALLY ignoring) the problem will continue to be cyclical.

Just sayin'

we do have a choice.

It's not weak to chose not to respond.
It actually takes a lot of gumption to not take something personally. I'm learning after some really tough lessons myself.

Hugs to all.

"I have seen it work. On a

"I have seen it work. On a borderline site no less. Perhaps b/c the families of such recognize being baited in a millisecond. I will warn you that ignoring will first result in an "extinction burst" from the perpetrator of the baiting. Because their baiting was satisfactory in the past, so they will continue to bait, increasing the insults etc, until you respond with their desired response."

Interesting that you say it this way, Sita: One could say the EXACT same thing about how to deal with a problematic BM.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Well my SD's BM is BPD...

Well my SD's BM is BPD... so I don't have any other experience to go by!

Ha ha ha...

Thanks Belle. I needed that today.

Ours is bipolar. Worked

Ours is bipolar. Worked like a charm.

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I can join this crowd. Ours

I can join this crowd.

Ours is dx'd Bipolar with Borderline Traits.

My favorite and only response to a baiting BM is..."I'm sorry you feel that way."

"You're so stupid."

Sorry you feel that way...

"You need to give me money."

Sorry you feel that way...

"Your husband is still in love with me"

Sorry you feel that way...

It is the handiest, dandiest tool in my tool box.

Trust me a master baiter (did I just say that ) will always up the ante before ever giving up. It will get worse before ever getting better.

Love you guys.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I just have to say... If

I just have to say...

If Dawn and Admin removed everyone who ever insulted anyone on this site in a moment of weakness or being baited or defending a friend who was insulted...

none of us would still be here.

Me included.

It just can't be a vote. Trust me...

I was once voted off another island because a friend of mine left it and the powers that be thought if I wasn't erased too, that others would follow me.

It was hurtful and I did nothing to violate the terms but be a friend to someone who also did nothing to violate the terms but asked to be deleted.

You don't want this site to be that way, trust me. If someone is truly attacking, then copy the link to the post and/or comment and submit it to the owners of the site or me. I'm on here more than them presently, but it's impossible to moderate all the comments. IMPOSSIBLE.

I'd do nothing else all day and I'm not getting paid to do it.

Then there's the night shift in other parts of the world.

Anyway...

just offering that tidbit.

Alright Sita, but a Warning

Alright Sita, but a Warning should be enough, and if the person continues, then further measures should take place. That's just me, is not my site of course.

Sincerely,

"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"

I agree. But here's a twist

I agree. But here's a twist (and then I HAVE to go outside and enjoy this amazing day!)

My small congregation went through a change of venue rather quickly when our landlord folded (we met in the basement of an older congregation and they left- the building was taken back by the denomination and a new one came in that needed the whole building.)

Anyway...

That level of change created an instability in the congregation. Tempers flared over small things like who could have a key to the new space, which in the contract was limited and members who used to be trusted with a key didn't understand why they "weren't trusted" anymore- couldn't get that it was in the contract and not personal etc.

Many members left and as I said it was already small.

So the board created a "mediation" team and I was on it. We met to set all these rules and statutes b/c the same members who resigned in protest now thought we had power to kick people out etc.

We didn't. We were simply to be called in if there was a request to settle a dispute.

Well then some members wanted us to go out and force mediation for past disputes on behalf of members who had left.

And that's where we drew the line.

Only those involved in the dispute can request mediation for themselves.

Btw, no one of course, has requested it these 4 plus years later, b/c once the hot tempered ones left, there weren't any more disputes that escalated to that level. I finally convinced the new minister that we could fold the mediation committee into another committee (COM- Committee on Ministry) and if there was a need for REAL mediation, our county offers pros for FREE, which is likely a better circumstance as if I show up then someone may feel I won't be unbiased where as a pro has no connection to the church members.

ANYWAY...

this is reminiscent of my old Sita blogs now isn't it?

I suggest that anyone who feels insulted directly contact me or Admin or Dawn to mediate that situation before anyone leaves the site.

It's not really productive to have others intervene as it feeds the fire by virtue of triangulation.

And coincidentally, is in the terms of most support group sites as well.

Unfortunately I know first hand b/c I have had to join so many thanks to my blended family implosion.

Steperg, I would like to

Steperg, I would like to respectfully ask that you never respond again to one of my blogs, or anyone else's response to one of my blogs.

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I've done the same request.

I've done the same request. It was met with "Don't tell me what to do, you're not the moderator, stop being so controlling and judgemental, grow up and stop watching so many vampire movies, haha."

I wish it were that easy Bell.

For me, it is going to be

For me, it is going to be that easy. From now on, I will delete any blog that has been commented on by someone I have asked not to comment, and I will delete any comment I have made on someone else's blog that receives a response from someone I have asked not to respond to me.

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I will make the same request.

Good idea, BBB. That is a

Good idea, BBB.
That is a respectful way of defusing the situation. I enjoy your blogs and learn from them even with the negative feedback. There is a difference in voicing an opinion or offering a different perspective as opposed to being argumentative. Good advice as usual, BBB.
Glynne

Good advice, BBB. There is a

Good advice, BBB.

There is a difference in offering another perspective or respectfully disagreeing as opposed to being argumentative. I often read your blogs and gain insight from them. Thanks.

Glynne

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