What if you see behaviours in children that aren't developmentally normal?

I've been attending an intergenerational trauma treatment program developed to help caregivers understand the effects of trauma on children and how to help kids cope with it. I've learned so much from the educational group phase of the program and thought some of you might find it as helpful as I have, considering that many of our skids and bio kids have been traumatized by their family breakup, PAS, inconsistent parenting, mentally ill BM's, and a host of other problems that go along with blended and step-families.

Before you dismiss the idea that the child in your care may be traumatized, understand that trauma is deeply individual. An event that may not cause one person to bat an eyelash may have a much deeper impact on someone else. One way to determine whether a child has been traumatized is to look at his or her behaviour. Is it atypical of a kid that age? Is it out of control?

So often we only want to correct the behaviour of a kid without really understanding what's going on behind the scenes. Trauma creates in a child a dilemma, which leads to faulty assumptions and beliefs about how the world operates. The child will then act out on that dilemma to see if it's true.

An example was given about a nine year-old girl who was shuffled back and forth between caregivers. Each time her biological mother was unable to parent due to being in an unhealthy relationship, the bio-dad would step in and "rescue" the child, saying that she could now live with him. The mother would get out of the abusive relationship and the child would be returned to her. Then the cycle would repeat; Dad would take the child, Mom would get her act together, and the child would go back to Mom's house.

At the cottage, the girl's uncle promised he would take her on a boat ride. The weekend went on, and the uncle still hadn't taken her. On the last day, the little girl stole the uncle's car keys and hid them.

We would normally see this behaviour as sneaky, manipulative and just plain bratty. But if we looked deeper, we'd see that the dilemma that was generated in this child was one of whether or not she could trust adults. She acted on this dilemma (in her mind) by giving her uncle the chance to keep his word and take her for the ride on the boat. The faulty belief system she developed was that adults can't be trusted.

As BBB pointed out, there are developmental milestones in children that aren't always comfortable for caregivers. Two year-olds will throw tantrums, three year-olds will bite, teenagers will rebel and push boundaries. But when we see behaviours that don't fit into normal development, we need to look at the thoughts and feelings behind them and understand WHY the child is acting out. If we love them, we want them to demonstrate these behaviours because that is how we can see that there's something wrong in their thinking. It's the only way we can address the underlying dilemma and respond the way they need us to. Disciplining the behaviours without understanding the reasoning behind them ignores the underlying cause and leaves kids to deal with their dilemmas on their own.

Negative feelings that are ignored will grow, causing more of the behaviours we are trying to address. Negative feelings that are heard and treated with empathy and compassion will diminish.

Behaviour is the language of children. Do you care about them enough to find out why they behave the way they do and help them find ways to resolve their issues in a compassionate way?