More to it than the annoying part that meets the eye?
Another forum topic got me thinking about this and I'm wondering what you all think.
When children are traumatized, they often get stuck in a development phase. For example, Dr. Drew is HUGE on women with "little girl voices" as being victims of sexual abuse back when they were little girls. Something happens developmentally and they get stuck.
So is this the scenario (trauma, not necessarily sexual abuse) when SS13 plays the "i love you dad", "can I have another hug dad?", "Dad will you tuck me in?". Kids typically begin to seperate from their parents as they enter the teen / preteen years. SO MANY of these skids seem to be doing just the opposite.
I know we all think it's annoying (I SURE AS HELL DO), but just wondering if you think there may be something more to it?
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They say children of divorce
They say children of divorce need to be reassured that the parents will not leave them as they have the spouse.
I get that they need
I get that they need reassurance.
It's interesting in our case because DH never left SS. BM took off when SS was only 5 and was gone for about 7 years, popping in here or there. Since BM's return and my arrival (roughly the same time), SS seems to have escalated with his needy behavior.
My friend is a child psychologist and says that even when SS asks if he can go live with BM, that he is really just testing DH. That SS wants DH to say "no".
I think this happened to
I think this happened to stepdevil14. The trauma of the divorce when she was 11 really held her back developmentally. She STILL dresses like a 12 yr old and she's almost 15. Still talks like a baby, is way immature and definitely appears younger than she is.
BUT, on the other hand, my DD15 went through some major trauma when she was younger as well and if anything, that made her OLDER and more mature than her years. People that meet her think she's 2-4 yrs older than 15, she dresses, acts and appears older. She is far more mature than SD14 who is only 6 mos younger.
So, I honestly think this is an individual thing. I think kids that are coddled and babied tend to be the ones who have a hard time coping with trauma. Kids who are taught to be independent at an early age tend to push through the trauma and become stronger. At least that's what I've seen between stepdevil14 and my DD15 (who were raised TOTALLY differently and turned out night and day).
Hmmm. This just made me think
Hmmm. This just made me think about my 9 year old son and SS13. It always seems odd to me that even though there are 4+ years between the two of them, they are the buddies of the clan. DD12 thinks SS13 is immature and annoying and DS10 thinks SS13 is loud and just not very interested in him much at all.
I encourage SS to invite friends over but they never seem to want to come over. Several came to his birthday party, but he can't seem to get a kid his own age over to want to play with him.
I think I've mentioned before the stuffed animal back pack that his mom gave him, but... he actually tries to wear it every now and then. Not to school, but on weekends.
We have that same situation
We have that same situation here - the skids and my dd's
sdstb13 and dd10 are VERY close and get along really well (most of the time) they are at about the same stage maturity wise.
And Ssstb10 and dd7 are the same. They are best buddies, and at the same maturity level.
Thinking about it, sd was 10(ish) and ss was 7(ish) when OH and BM separated, so perhaps that is where they are stuck.
I think it is a combination of parenting AND trauma - my kids were 4 and 7 when my ex and I separated, and they are a lot more mature because I haven't coddled and babied them, because I have taught them to be independent and to take responsibility for themselves.
Soooo, I guess it's how the adults in the childrens lives handle getting them through the trauma that really impacts on whether they develop appropriately.
That could be part of it but
That could be part of it but I believe a lot of it is just being coddled by one or both parents. They may not even realize they are doing it but I've seen it a lot with my divorced friends. They over compensate and start parenting different to try to "make up" for the divorce. What they are really doing, is emotionally stunting their children.
Just treat them normal!
No child wants their parents to divorce but it doesn't have to be a trauma- unless the parents make it one.
This is definitely what BM
This is definitely what BM does with SS13. She feels guilty (I hope) for missing out on 7 years of his life and she still treats him like a baby. She even calls him baby.
DH will still tuck him in on occasion and will give him a hug or two, but he gets annoyed pretty easily. I've brought it to DH's attention that he's not helping SS by playing the "i love you" game with SS for 30 minutes at a time and try and get him to remember when HE was a 13 year old boy and if he thinks its normal for him to be hugging and playing the I love you's with SS. But I still think DH feels guilty, so he'll throw the kid a bone every now and then.
SS still wants to hold DH's hand or will try to get DH to put his arm around him when we are all out together also. DH isn't comfortable at all with this and will often tell him to knock it off.
^^^Yep, only in stepdevil's
^^^Yep, only in stepdevil's case, she was coddled and babied by both parents her ENTIRE life. She was made to think that she called the shots, she was in control and she got whatever she wanted. They both babied the living shit outta her. She was so timid and terrified when I first met her at age 12, she wouldn't go anywhere without holding onto DH's hand like he was a life raft in the middle of the ocean.
THEY made her this way and THEY are suffering the consequences now. When DD15 and I were in our ATV accident, DH said "If that were my daughter, she likely would've died from the trauma and shock of it because she's such a big wuss" - he was right. My daughter was severely wounded, broken nose, huge laceration on her head, multiple injuries - but didn't cry or panic ONCE. She was only 13 and the ER docs and nurses thought she was at least 16 and said they'd never seen a girl her age so calm and lucid during such a traumatic event.
SD just LOOKED at us after the accident and flipped shit, screaming like someone cut off her fingertips and flailing around like a wounded duck. It was just amazing to see this girl go crazy with panic when she wasn't even involved in anything! Meanwhile, I'm cradling my daughter's bleeding and broken head and she's perfectly calm...did I mention these two girls are only 6 mos apart in age?
Sounds familiar. They've made
Sounds familiar. They've made him that way.
We will often leave SS13 at home alone. For instance, last night my daughter had a championship game. SS13 didn't finish his homework yet so he stayed home instead of going to the park with us. He was going to be home alone for 90 minutes tops and there was lots of daylight left. He seriously asked us 5 times before we left, how long we'd be. When we returned he was locked in his room with the house phone next to him. He told me it was for "just in case".
We've left him home alone in the winter and it would be like 6 pm and dark. DH and I would be running errands while he worked on his homework. The kid would call us, near tears, because he was scared. Once he let the dogs out and they got out of the yard. He would NOT go to the neighbors house to get them. DH was so pissed at him. Luckily for SS, he worked it out and was able to go outside in the dark.
OK, last one. The boys were going to sleep in tents this weekend in the yard since my doctor wouldn't let me go camping. Guess what? SS13 talked everyone to going in because he was scared outside.
I'm amazed.
I remember having a slumber party in my back yard when I turned 14. Best night of my life!
^^Yep - the kids that are
^^Yep - the kids that are coddled are just such a foreign concept for me. I was doing things at age 10 that kids now are afraid to do at 15!!!!
Yes! I think my dad (who
Yes! I think my dad (who raised me as my mom was in an accident when I was a baby) did a fine job of both spoiling me and teaching me that life isn't fair.
I loved my dad to death, but at age 13 I NEVER wanted to be seen in public with him, never mind hold his hand or let anyone know that I loved him. LOL.
It was the happiest day of my life when my Dad and SM would leave me alone for a few hours and go out to eat or something. That just meant I could talk with my friends on the phone or something.
Nice! I can't say I was ever
Nice! I can't say I was ever spoiled. I worked for everything I had and was taught that nothing was handed out, but I can't say that I had a shitty childhood either. My parents were good parents and did the best they could. They divorced right after I graduated, basically leaving me on my own at age 17...which is why I'm so confused as to why kids plan on living with their parents till they are in their 20's and beyond?
I bought my own jeans, shoes, car, insurance, gas, repairs on the car, etc. If I wanted something other than food and basic clothing, I paid myself. I had 2 jobs in high school and 3 afterwards. It was just how I was raised.
To see stepdevil14 not know simple things because her parents never allowed her to learn things on her own and to see her throw an absolute FIT when she wasn't given what she wanted just blew my mind. I'm like WTF is wrong with her?
I raised my daughter the way I was raised. Respect and honesty are the two most important qualities you can have in life. Work hard for things you want and be grateful for things that you're given, period. She's a good kid. Stepdevil is evil.
Yes. I agree. When I was 12,
Yes. I agree.
When I was 12, I had a paper route. I always worked all through high school, was always on the honor roll and played sports. And all of that was WAY better than hanging out with my Dad and SM. I LOVED my life.
Dad gave me things, but I worked for the rest. He bought my first car, a bug, for $1k, but I was the one outside sanding it down so it could get a new paint job. And by no means was it a dream car. It had ripped up seats, always had problems, but I LOVED it and appreciated it. Dad paid my insurance, I paid for gas. He taught me to work for anything I wanted.
And I still do that till this day.
I've been teaching the same things with my kids, and trying to plant the seeds, "Maybe you can earn some money doing yard work for the neighbors this summer to pay for your trip to xyz or to get your cracked screen on your ipod fixed."
SS13 got his first lesson in work and reward earlier this month when we had him earn his trip money by doing yard work. This weekend, we tried having him mow the lawn for some extra cash and all he did was pout because he didn't get to do the "fun" job (cleaning the pool - on hands and knees scrubbing for two hours straight).