Begging for advice...I fear the worst at this point!

My situation is a bit complex but ive reached total exhaustion and am hoping more than anything this site will provide support. My co-worker suggested a support group several months ago and I laughed at the idea. Now, I am trying this as a possible last resort. I hope to speak with other step parents that feel the same way and look for possible words of encouragement. I am currently dating a WONDEFUL man that I plan to spend the rest of my life with. The only problem is.... the step-son. I have been in his life since he was just over a year old and now he will be 3 next month. He is more than I ever bargained for. My boyfriend is wonderful and does his best to keep the situation as stress-free as possible but this kid is unmanageable. I have a six year old that I have raised to be very well mannered and diciplined to a tee. She is the most ful-loving polite (respectful to adults) child you will every meet. The step-son is something I have never experienced. It would take a week to write all the things he does but in a nut shell, he cries constantly...no joke, probably averages a tantrum sob session dozens of times a day. He will go in his room and lay on the floor and just cry for no reason. He walks up to my daughter and spits in her face, hits her and gives awful dirty looks constantly. His bio mom admits she will not dicipline him bc she does not have him enough of the time. She also dates a guy that lets his daughter get away with murder (I know them on a personal level). Back to the step-son...he can be a sweet little boy at times but I kid you not, he is a monster and I have a very hard time dealing with him. I cannot dicipline him like I would my own child, bc he is not my child. My boyfriend and I have a daughter together now that is 8 weeks old and im scared to death to leave her with her dad when the step-son is there. He is vicious..and my boyfriend is very relaxed about things and could see something bad happening. I dont want my youngest daughter to grow up whining and crying and acting like a spoiled brat all the time bc that is all she sees from her brother. I cant take it. I try to leave the house half the week when we have him so I dont have to be around him. Its sooo complex and ive only listed a small portion of the bs but its making me pull from my boyfriend and im fearing the worst. I feel awful to say this, but he says mean things to me....he's very smart and treats me like garbage when ive done so much for this little boy....I feel like im starting to hate him and picture myself leaving his dad at times because of him.

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Do you guys have any house

Do you guys have any house rules?
It may be benefitial to your family for you all to sit down and discuss family rules, and then enforce them. Hitting and spitting should never be accepted and your dh is going to have to help you with that.

FS... He is just a

FS... He is just a baby....going to be 3.. Terrible twos were not that long ago.. I am not even sure he is old enough for time out yet... Love goes a long way even with babies, I would try some extra things with him.. Sit and play games and give him lots of hugs and love... That is just my opinion.. He is old enough to be told no,no that is not nice... But really what do you do to discipline a baby???

Its been too long since mine was that little.. Maybe some of the other girls can help out better than me.

lol I was reading your post

lol I was reading your post totally disagreeing then got to the bottom.
Yea he's just out of the terrible twos but I can promise he understands what he is doing. My sd is 4. I met her when she was two and me and dh had soome HUGE fights over how she should be treated.

She still acts best with me. Dh and Bm just can't figure out why

Short sentances with small words explaining what is expected and what will happen if those expectations aren't met. Time-outs are the best for this age (one minute per year, and it will feel like an hour!!! But I'm sure with a well behaved 6 year old you know all about time outs!)

The biggest thing is getting Dh to back you. Pick up the Idiots guide to Step-parenting book. Its got some great outlines to help your family set down rules. And include your family while you do it. You and your husband are the bosses but the kids are important to!

Ill be getting that book!

Ill be getting that book! Thank you!

Np, its really good with

Np, its really good with jokes all through it!

I used to have problems with

I used to have problems with littleson throwing tantrums when my biodaugter was born. That was when mamabear came out!!!!

I told DH that if littleson hurt one little hair on biodaughters head, that it would be the LAST time that little son or HE would EVER see biodaugter again!!! That sure hit home. I told him that he was HER dad and that it was his job as her dad to protect his daughter.

I told him that his sons jealousy issues needed to be dealt with immediatly. Did he WANT to see his daughter in a wheelchair? Because littleson has a f'ing tantrum? I was graphic. Did he want to see her get hurt because littleson was throwing things at my daughter.

I told him that if littleson showed ANY more agression towards my daughter, that he could not come over any more. That his visitation privilages were going to be revoked. ANd then I had out therapist come in and talk to DH. HE told him the same thing. He told DH that time out and spankings were not working. That littleson needed to know that if his behavior was not going to change and his agression was not in check, then he was NOT going to be allowed to come over to daddy's house.

This would make little son sad, but it was a pure safety issue. For the safety of our daughter. We needed to protect her, because she could not protect herself. She is just an infant.

Under NO circumsatnces would I leave DH and his kid alone. You let that be known to BF, that you do not trust his kid because of his past agression. So what if he gets pissed. Your job is to protect your new child!!!

Is SS's mom in the

Is SS's mom in the picture?

It sounds like at three, this poor kid has already been through a lot. Perhaps he'd benefit from seeing a counselor who can help little kids.

Mr. Wonderful is my

Mr. Wonderful is my boyfriend, not the one who treats me like garbage... the son is. We do have house rules and my boyfriend (please give me the codes im too new at this:) ) enforces them, he just does not listen. He is out of control. He is out of control with me and his dad. He listens to his dad here and there but has nothing to do with me. Here is the catcher, when I have him alone, 99% of the time he acts just as my child would. He listens, and is very respectful. When is dad is around he is a devil. I have asked his dad to take him to a professional but he thinks he is just "a kid". If he can act normal like my daughters do when his dad is not around then why is it so awful when he is around. I use to watch him a lot when his father was completing a course but now he is there all the time and the situation is getting awful. I agree that he is a child and I know I need to spend more one on one time with him.....but I find it hard to want to. I wish I could put a camera in our house and show all of you what im talking about....ive raised a daughter, went through the phases and been around tons of kids but have never seen one act the way he does. His dad's position is...well I have joint custody and have to take care of him so it is what it is. We talked last night and this is AWFUL to say and I know all of you will agree that im crazy to be upset about this...but the topic was raised (through a long crazy converstation) that his blood (son) would come before someone that isnt blood..."a girlfriend, whatever". That broke my heart. Why did it??? My two girls come before anyone but I guyss I would put my boyfriend in a different category of love and would never let the words roll off my tongue that would make him feel unloved. I know he is suppose to love his son like that but I guess I thought I were a different type of love and wouldnt ever be put in a phrase where it came down to son or girlfriend.

You're not just a girl

You're not just a girl friend. You're his partner. You're the one he has decided to have another child with. He doesn't have to chose one over the other but he CAN NOT put SS above you. That will lead to serious problems.

"he just does not listen"
He is 3. MAKE HIM LISTEN. If you need to remove all his toys from his bedroom and use it for time outs. Sd needed this from us. It was terrible getting her used to discipline but she's SOOOOO much better now. Have you guys thought about a parent class?

We give him time-outs, they

We give him time-outs, they dont phase him. His dad will spank him, he just cries until he finds something to catch his attention. With my daughter, I did lots of time outs, did spank her but most of all explained things over and over why she couldnt do what she was doing. I come from a strong Italian Catholic family and believe manners and respect are number 1 from children. She shows that on a daily basis. Her relationship with my boyfriend....perfect! He adores her because he is treated like gold. He goes to his bio moms house half the week and comes back a terror. He lightens up quite a bit as the week goes on, but with time it feels like his behavior has gotten worse!

snowflake you are right! The

snowflake you are right! The bf thinks im crazy that I wont leave them home alone together but im not taking the chance. This little boy is unpredictable. He always wants to touch her he has not shown any aggression towards her YET but im not taking the chance. Im due to go back to work in less than a month and my bf was going to be the one to watch her during the day. I think the days the SS is there, I will be taking her somewhere else. I know I wouldnt peacefully work. And THANK YOU so much to everyone, I thought maybe I was being over the top with all of this but its nice to know ppl agree with me. I really dont know how to change this. The BF keeps saying, he will get better with time....but will he? I dread the time that he is with us. I go from a great mood to instant crappy mood when he is at our house. Ive had a great relationship with his dad and we never fight!! The only issues we have had have been him. Its so frustrating.