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UPDATE: I just lost. I really thought it was all behind us but DH is saying things to BM that make it clear it's not.

misfit's picture

I read BM's messages to DH sometimes. She'd say things like she misses him. He has a family with her.

I made it clear that shit has to stop. He said, after much hesitation, that it has. I haven't snooped. Haven't checked his phone. Stopped caring.

Today, in the heat of an argument, I checked his phone.

No outgoing messages BUT a message from BM:

"I know. I miss you too."

I can't believe this. I don't know how to rationalize.

BelleBoudouse- You had asked why I got back with him.
I didn't know how to answer at first and all I can say now is because I believed in true love, honesty, respect, commitment. One message just took all that away.

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Sorry I'm not replying to each post, ladies, but thank you so much for your support.
The message from BM that I read was correct, not from the skid, like Silver suggested. DH told me he told her, "I miss Bacon," and she then replied, "I know. I miss you too."

DH says, "I can't help what she says to me. I just pretend I never got it. I don't reply to it, I don't address it. If you give her any fire she'll run with it, so I just leave it alone."

To me that says DH is making it okay for her to say this crap by being silent. MiddleMom put this nicely in several of her blogs when her BF was allowing similar crap.

This morning, we talked a bit, and I said that the three of us need to have a sit down (or stand by the car when BM drops off Bacon) and DH needs to tell her, in front of me, that this shit has to end.

BLM, I can't leave him impulsively, as I'm financially tied. I have a sporadic, part time job that doesn't pay near enough to get my butt out. He's got one up on me, in that respect.

I do need to focus on myself (MiddleMom you made me cry when you wrote your bits, so true, so true) and bring myself up to a level where I'm never in this spot again. DISbelief, yes we're physical, things are actually flippin fantastic between us as long as BM keeps her goat face out of our business. He's not abusive or a total ass, except in this aspect, it's like his backbone is paperthin.

I'm going to leave this relationship as I'm a walking panic attack. I sweat more than is probably normal every time his phone goes off. Nightmares, digestive problems, my weight up and down, hair falling out (I'm 24 and I feel like I'm menopausal). I did go away to my country for a bit, DPWB, and that actually helped to put things in perspective, but when I got home, everything went back to the trash bin.

I'm simply exhausted. ST has been a real source of support for me and I thank all of you who took the time to read my words and share in my pain. It's more than I could ask for, just knowing someone will listen.

Comments

DISbelief's picture

Oh my...Misfit, I am so sorry. DH apparently has no boundaries, and no respect for you. I am not one that will usually give this advice, but I think it is time to get out honey. You deserve better!

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

DISbelief's picture

Can I ask why you can't... not to hijack a blog here... but I think I would like to understand you better and where you are coming from a lot of the time. Maybe this bit of info would help me in that?? If you don't mind my asking..

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

DISbelief's picture

Thank you. There are so many stories on this site anymore... it is hard to keep up.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Wink

smnikki's picture

im confused, i didnt realize you had gotten married....either way (((hugs))) thats horrible. it seems us women seem to know when its time to find some info as to whats really going on!

iwishyouwould's picture

I agree. If he is emotionally involved with her, how can he be emotionally involved with you? Emotional cheating is no better and just as painful as physical cheating. I am really sorry that you are going through this. I know it is not much consolation, but I have been there and you can come out of something like that emotionally healthy and stronger no matter what course you choose to take. The best advice I think I can give you is to trust your instincts and go with your gut. Also, remember that people only change when they want to change. I wish you strength.

"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

Kb3Hooah's picture

Hey honey Smile I want to ask you a question: Do you think the pain of being without him will be greater than the pain you deal with, with him?

I think you are scared of the hurt that will follow if you leave. I think you are scared of what it will be like without him.

I relate it to smoking cigarettes. You aren't addicted until you've smoked a few, then once you're hooked the addiction is too strong to just stop, you don't think you're strong enough to face the cravings, you don't know what life will be like without the cigarettes or if you'll still miss them after you've quit. You know their really bad for your health and that they could kill you one day. You know that the cigarettes hold you back to things that you could accomplish without them.

Misfit, I think he's your cigarette honey, and this cigarette has burned you over and over again. You know in your mind that you can be alot happier in life without this....but you're scared and that's ok. You'll quit when *you* are ready.

But until then, start doing things for yourself that build YOU up. Go to the gym, find a hobby that you enjoy, hang out with friends, pamper yourself every now and then. When you're building YOURSELF up, you will find yourself looking down on the one's who brought you down.

((((HUGS)))) honey, I'm truly sad to see you hurting. Sad
______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Silver's picture

Oh Misfit, my heart hurts for you. Maybe it's not what it seems though. Could it be the skid that had a hold of BM's phone?

"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown

StepChicka's picture

YES!!! Silver I'm so glad you mentioned this. Misfit find out the context the text was given please. I got a text message from my XH one time saying "I miss you and love you." WTF Then a second later I got another one saying "I'm using daddy's phone mama" Whew!

stepmom008's picture

(((((((MISFIT))))))))) I'm so sorry. When it comes to BM's, I'm all for not responding most of the time. However, with things like this, SO has to put it to a stop and if he doesn't, then to me that says he's okay with it. That's not fair or respectful to you or your relationship. I hate to say it but leaving is probably the best option for you. You've been emotionally abused and you've got to take care of yourself. Good luck Sad

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Kb3Hooah's picture

Please call me if you ever need to talk, anytime, day or night...I'm never too busy honey.

______________________________________
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Silver's picture

I'm sorry that it ended up not being Bacon. However, I wanted to maybe mention some things.

For the longest time, and still a little now, I have had the same attitude as you. If BF did not respond to BM the way that I wanted, or at all, I felt like he was essentially telling her that it was ok to continue doing what she was doing. The problem with my BM (and maybe yours?) is that a lot of times she would send things knowing that it would upset ME. Red could care less about what she writes or says because he's over and done with her, so he does what your DH does. He either doesn't reply or just acts like he never got them. If she has any inkling that I've overheard something or that I have seen a text, she runs with it and it makes it worse.

I am EXACTLY like you when it comes to her and the phone. I get sick to my stomach and I go into a panic when I know that she is calling or that she has sent a text. She has caused so much drama in the past that I get paranoid. The problem is that I have allowed her to do this. If I had ignored her like Red did/does from the beginning then I do not feel that I would feel this way now.

I can tell you that it can get better. Red has been more than open with me about his communication with BM, so now the panic attacks aren't as bad. He is a doll and reassures me when I admit to feeling insecure. I think that perhaps if your DH can do this, you will benefit far more than if he speaks to BM with you present. I feel like if the three of you sit down to talk, that instead of it looking like DH is setting boundaries, it will look like you are forcing him to do something he wouldn't otherwise do.

Sending more hugs your way because I know how tortuous all of this can be...

"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown

NoDramaMama's picture

I am totally going thru the same thing! I used to be so obsessed with what they were texting to each other...so my bf started letting me know what the context was everytime he got a text. That did start to make me feel better and also trust him more, because he wouldn't hide anything. Of course i still get sweaty palms and anxious when i hear his phone ring or beep from a text...but I've come a long way. I started to trust that they only talk about their son and nothing more. It's eased a lot of my stress to just have faith in him. Now that I am more involved with everything (his son's activities, etc) where his ex is, I feel better. He hastn't let me down....yet!

misfit's picture

I hope, with all my might, that things only keep getting better for you, NoDramaMama. Loving the name, by the way Smile