Not exactly SKid related... But writing a letter to MY SMom... Help please
A quick background - My parents split 12 years ago - typical teenager I gave my SM and BD a major problem everytime I went there. BM would tell me how terrible my dad and SM were (PAS to the EXTREME! - took me 10 years AND my DH to open my eyes to it, and I was able to mend the hurt that I caused - we hadn't spoken in close to 5-6 years, then would speak minimally, and just in the last 2 years I have had a decent relationship with BD and SM).
So here we are approx 5 months ago - BM went out and stole BD's identity a few months ago (to cash out his insurance policies.. yep I am sure MY BM is worse than any BM you guys have to deal with!) and it led to my Bio-Dad pressing charges against BM when he found out it was her, she was charged with a few felonies, fines, etc. Since then, BM has preached she wont 'do functions with BD and SM' (in the last 2 years DH and I got married, so the wedding, shower, all wedding functions - we all agreed, my college graduation, brothers graduation, etc) - whenever there was a family function for us kids, they got along.
So now DH and I are expecting in early August. I have already been told by BM that she wont tolerate BD at the hospital when baby comes, christening, etc. She has even gone as far as telling me that if I invite BD and my SM she wont attend, whether they show or not.. :roll eyes:. Obviously, the PAS continues, it's not worth the effort to try and correct her behavior, a leopard will not change its spots after all of these years.
My current issue on the chopping block is that BM is throwing me my baby shower at HER house - so I am unable to invite my BD's side of the family OR my SM. This upsets me because I truly enjoy my Dad's side of the family and my SM. I approached my BD a few days ago and he told me to drop SM an email about possibly having a BBQ at my house or get together to celebrate the impending birth of our baby.
I don't know how to word this to her, without it seeming like we are looking for gifts, we aren't, we truly want to spend time with them and not have them left out (it's their first grandchild) - also they live a little over 5+ hours away... So it's not that we can see them anytime for a BBQ.. It would definitely need to be planned...KWIM?
Grr.. It may be easier to just bang my head against the wall...
*BTW - we find out boy/girl tomorrow!!*
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By now, you're SM should
By now, you're SM should understand all of this craziness. Be straight with her. She'll understand and then ask her if she would like to throw you a separate baby shower. I'd be honored if in 20 years one of my Fsd's asked me to throw one ; ) And I bet she will think the same thing! She may even want to make it bigger and better! hahah! I really don't think it is fair of your mother at all to tell you who you can and cannot invite to YOUR child's events. That is not up to her. If she wants to be there - then she needs to stick it out. I don't think it is a bad idea to do SOME separate events but - the ones like christenings - cannot be avoided. Your dad is your dad. He should not be excluded and neither should your SM since she has been around all of these years.
Good luck and keep us posted. And congratulations ; )
I think you Dad is right,
I think you Dad is right, why put everyone including yourself in a situation for drama and hurt. I am a step daughter and a step mother... Anytime there was a birthday, graduation party each family has had their own separate party it just makes it easier on everyone... I can tell you as a SM I am sooo proud of you. It is not always the Dads or the SM fault when problems arise. As a child I watched my mom cause unnecessary problems for my Dad and SM. And I always felt like I had to choose sides... and a daughter will more than likely choose to side with their mom.. Right or wrong this has been my situation as a Step daughter and a SM,
As far as when your baby is born, I would tell your mom... This is supposed to be one of the best days of my life and I expect you to behave.. I am not going to exclude any of my loved ones and that includes my Dad and Step Mom.. The same would be expected at the babies christening... You as her daughter will unfortunately have to put your foot down in this situation.. And it can be done in a nice but firm way. JMO
I am sure your SM loves you and would love to give you a shower of her own..
Good Luck to you and yours..
there's your answer
there's your answer Headoverheels- we all agree with one another ; ) Let us know how things go!
Thank you for your replies.
Thank you for your replies. I left a message for my SM (she was busy last night). Hopefully we will hear back from her today. I will keep everyone updated. Thank you again
Thank you for your replies.
Thank you for your replies. I left a message for my SM (she was busy last night). Hopefully we will hear back from her today. I will keep everyone updated. Thank you again
Okay, I am man so forgive my
Okay, I am man so forgive my obvious deficits when it comes to how I should respond to these types of things .....
This is a no brainer to me. Time to write off your Mom. I would certainly go to the shower she is throwing for her side of the family. Afterall you apparently like your relatives on her side of your family and they should not be punished because your Mother is felonious whack job.
Then I would do what your Dad suggested and have a celebration with his side of the family. Make it a BBQ that YOU and your DH host honoring your Dad and StepMom as new GrandParents.
Send out announcements that clearly states that baby gifts are not necessary.
Make it about your Dad and SM. Give SM a corsage, you Dad a monogramed GrandPa baby burp cloth, and stand them up for a toast to them.
As for your Mother. When she pulls the crap about not wanting your Dad at the hospital for the birth of your child or at christentings don't give her any chance to waffle. Tell her immediately that she is not welcome and that hospital security will not allow her in the bldg during the birth of your child and that she will not be allowed at the christening.
She wants your Dad and SM to be separate from any activity she has with you or your child, show exactly how separate SHE has chosen to be.
Your Mom has solved this problem for you. Soon she will be in the big house on the taxpayers dime and will not be able to interfere in your relationship with your Dad for many years.
When is she heading to prison?
Congrats on the new baby and don't let your Mama's Drama polute your own miracle experience.
Good luck with this.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Congratulations on
Congratulations on overcoming PAS. I have 2 SDs who are doing that so I know it's not easy.
Perhaps you could tell your SM that you understand her a lot better now because you're a SM too. Now that you're a SM, you can understand her struggles in dealing with BM. You could even ask her for advice on being a SM and dealing with a less-than-ideal BM. You two could really bond over talking about being SMs, dealing with skids and dealing with BMs.
I also bet it would mean the world to her if you told her how much you appreciate all she has done for you. Hearing my SDs say that makes my day, and I have a feeling it would make hers too.