I don't post often, and comment even less.. I haven't learned much in the SKid department. I do need ANY advice on this though..
Sorry if this is semi-choppy and all over the place, my thoughts are semi scattered.. Please try to bare with me...
DH and I have our DS due this month and I was able to have SD7 move her bedroom to the smaller room (if you see that in a previous post) - she was VERY unhappy about it, but after DH and I discussed it and the fact that she sleeps over 2x a month and the other days that she does spend here, MAYBE 10 minutes she is in her room, otherwise she is in the yard, livingroom, kitchen, anywhere BUT her room. So she was moved from a 13x15 to an 11x7, which I spent (being 5-6 months preggers at the time) HOURS upon HOURS painting, cleaning the hardwood floors, applying a tree decal to the wall (11 ft x 8 ft) and encountered a numerous amount of blisters and sweat along with that, that all the thanks went to 'Daddy' for. Neither here nor there. Last night, SD7 had gotten here, I purchased a new rug for the nursery, and SD7 started complaining again about not having her room and having to move.. ::rolls eyes:: - DH explained that the baby needed a bigger room than her because he will have more stuff here than her. That sent her off the deep end with the wailing of 'THATS NOT FAIIIIIIIIIIR' - so DH explained that she has a bedroom and her own playroom here, and she has a bedroom and her own playroom at BM's - so she has FOUR rooms while the baby only has ONE. Apparently, that does NOT matter.. ugh...
SD7 has a sister at home from BM - who she refers to consistently as 'the beast', 'the monster', NEVER anything nice. She said to me last night she was happy she was able to sleep here because 'the beast' is too much for her (she is ONE!) - She has said in crossing that 'if my sister touches my stuff I will beat her like a pinata'... Nice.. very nice - makes my hair stand up on end to think that she actually does any of this stuff to her little sister, esp with one on the way at our home.
I haven't actually seen her interact with her little sister, but I do know that she has been seeing a child psychologist to work through these issues that she has been having. Apparently, she started hitting children in school because 'Mommy doesn't spend enough time with me'. BM has told us she spends a half hour to an hour every night JUST with SD7 ALONE so they can still have some alone time. But truth be told, a newborn, infant, and toddler are VERY time/attention consuming. That still doesnt give SD7 the right to hit kids. So I am more afraid that if she is doing this to get negative attention at school and wasn't afraid of getting caught, what is she doing at home if BM or her step dad aren't paying attention to the two of them alone.. KWIM?
I had DH put up a baby gate going in and out of the nursery to 'keep the puppy out' because she is still potty training and I don't want to have the new rugs, etc washed if she has an accident. But EVERY time SD7 is over, she feels the need to 'play' in there. This morning for instance, DH and I were sleeping (not me because I get up every hour at this point to pee at night LOL) but I heard her open the gate and go into the nursery, I timed it, 20 minutes later she came out, a few minutes after that she came flying into our bedroom to complain about the puppy that had 'chewed up her pajamas' - DH asked her where she left them.. now she realized since she wasn't in her room, DH was going to ask where she was, and got VERY quiet. DH asked her where she was (I already told him she was in the nursery) and she said she was in the baby's room reading books from his bookshelf.
Maybe my hormones/emotions are getting the better of me, but I am not comfortable with her just coming and going in that room without us being in there. Maybe it is dumb, and I know I can't say anything to DH... But if you were in a similar situation, or you can add any light to help open my eyes to what I can/should do about it, please let me know.. I don't want to resent.. But I can't help but be worried...
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It might take awhile for her
It might take awhile for her to get used to not being Daddsy's only child. My SS pretended to shoot my son when he was born, and when he got older, became physically abusive. The scary thing is he acted like he loved him in front of people, and the bad stuff ocurred when he thought noone was looking. His mother got pregnant after I did, so he had a new brother there as well. As much as I understood it was a change for him, I don't agree with spoiling a kid out of guilt or lettin them get away with more jut because they are no longer the baby. This is real life, kids need to learn it's not all about them as soon as possible.
As far as your SD going into the baby's room: Maybe you should remind her of what she said about her little sister. My BS loved to go and play in my SS's room, with him, and my SS was always very mean about it. But then my SS would waltz in my BS's room whenever he felt like it. Of course, my BS didn't mind because he worships his big brother. But I told my SS if he can't invite his brother into his room, he should stay out of his little brother's room. I would tell your SD, if you want to take a look in the baby's room once in awhile, that's fine, but please be respectful. And I expect you to have the same kindness to your little brother when he wants to explore your room.
This is exactly why I was
This is exactly why I was more relieved when we found out we are having a boy and not a girl, I figured it would be MUCH worse if she felt that 'Daddy had a new little girl' that he would see EVERYDAY.. I thought with a brother it would be better.
I don't want to cater to her, or make her feel left out. But we have many hurdles to go over in the next few weeks before the baby arrives, I feel confident there will be no nonsense for the first few months when I am home, DS will sleep in a bassinett in our room next to my side of the bed, and I will always be around with SD7 is around.
I have already made DH agree that the Saturday nights I work (on a rotation of every third with the unit I work on.. but luckily that wont start until DS is close to 9 months old) - he won't take SD. Which isn't much to ask.. I prefaced it by saying, SD7 has had 7 years of you ALL to herself, isn't if fair to DS to have ONE night every three weeks on a Saturday for it to just be the two of them.. He agrees and sees my point..
I think my anxiety is up, because being a step parent, as we all know, is daunting enough since 'they are not your child' - and reprimanding them, even if your SO agrees, can be frowned upon. On top of that, all I have heard from a few people in my family is to make sure 'I watch her like a hawk' when the baby arrives, apparently, their was a case not that long ago where a step kid (5) threw his baby (brother/sister?! not sure) down a flight of stairs and the baby died.. So on top of everything I have been seeing, hearing and not sleeping - It is taking a toll on me...
I can definitely understand
I can definitely understand your concerns. My SD is 15 and my BKs are 5 and 3 and I still worry about their relationship and how SD treats them when she thinks noone is looking. I think it would do you some good to take a deep breath, talk to DH about how you are feeling in the most respectable way you can, and then set up some ground rules together for when your SD is with you and what will be expected of her around the new baby. I also agree with summerflowers...you should try encouraging her good/kind behavior and stay consistent about consequences for any unacceptable behavior...and not just with the baby, but anything. It can be difficult to accept a new addition to the family, even in non-blended homes. Try to stay calm and take some time for yourself before baby comes. I will be thinking of you and wish you all the best.
Well, if you are truly
Well, if you are truly worried (like I was) and if your H is like mine and tends to deny that his golden child would REALLY do anything...then you will become the "baby cop" like I did, and that child wont HAVE a single unsupervised moment around the baby! Yes having a newborn is hard work, but SD just isnt there that much and you CAN just be ON her ass. Get a gate she cant get into. Start discussions about how she's not allowed in there after the baby is here. If needed, you can warn her that any infractions WILL result in her never coming over again.
Hopefully your sitch wont pan out like mine did, but if it does, and there are enough incidents, your H will have no choice but to agree that it is simply better to keep SD separate. I wont let SS14 anywhere near my BD7 and BD9. At family gatherings and holidays etc, I am THERE...like a HAWK...and SS knows it. If he goes over by my girls? I am out of my seat and right there, front and center, watching and listening.
There are times that H thinks I'm hypervigilant, but I dont care. I dont have an iota of "comfort level" when it comes to SS, and I think H is a little blind to it sometimes. I wont back down though. It's your job to listen to your intuition when it comes to your kids.
I would tell Miss7 that she
I would tell Miss7 that she cannot go into the baby's room until she has proven herself to be trustworthy. And use the Pinata example. "Miss7 when you say you want to hit your little sister like a pinata for touching your stuff makes me very angry that you would hurt anyone for just touching. I mean, do I beat you like a pinata for going into the new babys room and reading books? No? Well then."
I would drop hints like "Wow, I wish I had someone around I could trust to let me know whwne the washer has finished. I would PAY someone I could trust to unload the dishwasher. If only I could trust someone to help me with the new baby, oh well. I guess it is all up to me then."
She wants to be in charge. She will now be one of 5 whereas previously she was one of one. Between 2 stepsiblings with her mother and one in your home she is fast becoming outnumbered.
Maybe point out she will the be first to ... drive a car ....wear makeup..... have her own apartment.
She needs to graduate to the Oldest and not the Only. Not an easy path when both your parents aremaking new families with other people.
I would be scared senseless
I would be scared senseless if that was happening in my home. I am all ready worried about SS with the baby and there was no indication of him being the least bit upset about the pregnancy. If she has a new sister who isn't very old at her moms I do not forsee this behaviour getting any better once your baby gets here. Especially since she is already upset about having to move rooms. One good thing about being a new mom is that it is completely normal for you to be overly protective of your child and since you are the parent no one can reprimand you. I would make it very clear to SD7 right now that she is NOT allowed in the nursery unless she has permission, or else she will be punished. And if she does, then she has to be punished otherwise she will not stop. I am sorry that at what should be a joyous time for you and your DH this is casting a dark shadow. Good Luck.
Thank you for another amazing
Thank you for another amazing article. Where else could anybody get that kind of information in such a great way of writing.
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