So I m new to this site I guess my first post does not make much sense but I hope I ll get better in time. I got married almost a year ago and we lived in Europe (I m from Europe) for some time together. Then I came here, met my SD 4,5 9 ( every Wednesday evening and EOW). My husband spent the last 8 months here having her every other weekend so they established their lifestyle but the problem is I m not able to fit in into this. The problems started practically the next day after I arrived, I asked if we can put SD’s toys into the closet ( we have a small flat and she is only here for 4 days a month) , he would do it but couple of days later I was accused that I want her out of his life and “she lives here too”. So anyway after three months we ended like this : I hate SD I want to discontinue his relationship with him and he tried everything and sacrificed his time with his daughter for my whims ( my whim was that we visited my family for Christmas, my sister lives in America and that was the first time I spent time with her in 5 years).
I tried to give DH articles about stepfamilies but he thinks they are all irrelevant cause she is too small to be held responsible for her actions. I admit I was the one starting arguments but some things needed to be changed and he would not talk about it , so I waited couple of days and then vent. Not very productive.
At the beginning SD did not even had a bed time, she would go to sleep whenever she felt like it (sometimes at midnight) “because he just enjoyed spending time with her”. So basically I was the bad guy telling my DH that he should limit tv time ( she is watching cartoons for 5 hours in a row or longer) , his response “tv is educational”, he should handle her tantrums in a way - ( his response was that he it was my fault he wouldn’t handle it , cause I m impatient) .
After our last emails when he sent me this long list of things he had to implement “to satisfy my whims “ ( things like bedtime, hanging her jacket instead of throwing it on the floor ) and he listed things I had asked him to do it but he refused yet he has resentment over them ( putting away her suitcase so it does not lie on the floor in the living room where SD sleeps for three days, or picking up her toys before bedtime) I decided I should not ask him to change anything concerning his daughter cause it just ends up as me attacking a poor child. The funny thing is that I meant some of the changes as a good thing eg I thought it would look more like at home for her it we put her things into her drawer .
I guess my story is not that unique so please tell me what worked for you. I don’t need to disengage cause DH does not require me to do anything for his daughter , he prepares her meals ( snacks all the time) , entertains her etc. She barely notices I m there. But it is hard for me , I feel like this is not my home EOW. Should I just go and spend time outside of the house ( I did go to the bar couple times in the evening but that enraged my DH cause he thinks I should be with him when SD is asleep , the thing is that I m so pissed off at him when I see his bedtime “routine”, (snacks in bed , whining etc) that I don’t want to be around or we end up arguing.
I used to think I should stick around and spend some time with them otherwise I will never give his daughter a chance. But it is just too frustrating , after three hours of cartoons I m getting angry, when we try to watch a grown up movie , SD throws a tantrum over some silly cause (paint does not work the way she wants it) so we end up not watching a movie anyway.
I know arguing about it is unproductive. DH agreed to put away Sd’s bedding for the day ( she sleeps on the mattress in the living room and her duvet or pillows ended up on the floor all over the place) and clean the table from time to time (she does her artwork on the table and the pile just grows and grows over the weekend , maybe I m petty but that is the only table in our flat and I would like to be able to eat my meal on it) but he did nothing about it while she was here, when I reminded him about it he said I did not put my glass on the coaster and he started cleaning the furniture . Should I stop saying anything , start cleaning myself ?
Is there any possibility that if I just keep disappearing for most of the day and ignore them , my DH will want to include me. Or will he just be happy that he has me off my back ?