I feel for you. My SS is 14 and sounds a lot like your SD. Being the mom in the house, I am the one to makes sure the kids clean up after themselves and such. My SS doesn't brush his teeth or shower if he isnt told ten times. I'm the one that notices, not my husband.I feel like everything out of my mouth is negitive about him. I have 2 other boys and they don't need to be told what to do, why should he. And.... why should he be rewarded for bad behavior. It's hardly fair to treat him to something special because he remembered to look after himself. Rewards are for good grades and good efforts in my book.

I've been fighting this for 7 years now, it keeps getting harder.

seee here is the deal...i think anyways..

you SHOULD take her for ice cream. here is why...you are not the parent. you do not have to worry about unjust rewards. nor do you need to care if ice cream takes away from study time and she fails. why? YOU ARE NOT THE PARENT. if her parents don't care...then you don't care.

stop making rules and trying to enforce them. you are aggravating yourself. the parents need to do i. if they do not...oh well.

think of yourself like an aunt. aunts go for ice cream. aunts ask how school was and if there are any cute boys. aunts dont call and nag about homework:)

for example, SD9 here does terribly in math. in january i bought a workbook for this house and a workbook for her other house. she (SD) agreed to give up 30 mins a day to do workbook work. she did this for awhile. now i know mom has stopped making her do it. could i fuss about it? sure...but why? it is her kid and her kid's grade. and when daddy forgets to do it here...i make one casual reminder on a friday night about needing to do math...if they take me up on it, great...but lately not so much. but get this...when the grade comes in...she is THEIR kid. they can deal with the F.

I see two different perspectives here. You have your perspective, which is that you are trying to have a relationship but it's hard due to SD's behavior - and your DH's perspective which is that he doesn't see you trying. You're trying so hard to get him to "understand" you, and he's trying so hard to get you to "understand" him. But for some reason, the two of you are coming to a road block.

I think the both of you should stop trying so hard to get each of you to see the other's side of things, and instead try to be understanding of what the other one's perspective is and gain some insight as to why the other person feels that way, and start working on that.

Do you guys have "family night" where you play games together? Also I think both you and DH should spend some quality alone time with her. I know that this seems like you are rewarding her behavior - but spending quality time with children actually 'helps' their behavior.
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“Got Boundaries?” ~BitchBitchBarbie~
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I think your DH is being a jerk about this. He either must feel very confident you will not leave or doesn't care? because he is insisting YOU do all the work, including HIS part.

It DOES take two to make a relationship. I too would not reward bad behavior!

I would leave SD alone re. anything though, and start considering your options. Don't let him make you the bad guy, let him neglect his own child if that is what he wants to do, or guilt-parent.

I think someone is PAS-ing this child, and like always, the child is really the one that pays.

But first I would tell DH to back off, he has a lot of nerve to hold YOU responsible for HIS child, not having any manners! Being a teen is no excuse IMO.
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May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
~Irish Blessing

I agree with Folkmom and Middlemom. You DO have a chance to be this kid's friend. There are plenty of step-mothers who have GREAT relationships with their step-kids because they gave up expectations and control and only focussed on their relationships. It's not your job to make sure she cleans up after herself or does her homework. Let that go and give it to her father. Instead, just try a little kindness and understanding. Take her out shopping, for ice cream, to the movies, whatever, without the perception that it's a "reward" or expectation of anything in return. Treat her as you would a friend's child, because essentially that's what she is. Let go of tattling on her - that's not your job. Your role can be a very positive one of a trusted adult and advisor. Detatch yourself from her chores and grades and behaviour and see what happens.

I say push some of the blame back where it belongs. ON DH!!! His incessant pressure for you to have the relationship that HE defines with his daughter is the problem. Why does he get to decide this? I found the less people try to "force" me into a relationship with Creature, the more likely I am to CHOOSE to do something nice to / with her. He is bullying you. I see his point, but that doesn't change that he is trying to force you to do something with which you are uncomfortable. That being said, if you don't want to have a relationship with her (and I think this is true despite you telling him you do), then stop trying. You're just giving her more power over you. But you also have to stop pushing her from a disciplinary stand point. You can't have it both ways. You can't never deal with any "good" relationship stuff and hound her / dh about all her faults. It makes you look like a bully. Even if your complaints are valid, you look like a bully. Her behavior, manipulation, grades are DH's problem and you feel like he isn't handling them appropriately. Tell him that ONE TIME. Tell him that the only way you'll ever be able to have a relationship with SD is if he 1) stops pressuring you 2) starts keeping her behavior in check and 3) lets her know that regardless of what her mother says, you will be respected in your home. He plays a role here too. It isn't all on you to form that relationship. It is on him and his kid. I don't care if she is 12 or 2 or 25. She can learn good manners if he was willing to TEACH her. Your problem isn't SD or BM. It is DH.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

My BF and I have also had this problem. It has been resolved by my realizing that my problem is not with SD, it's with BM and with BF's lack on consistent parenting. Since I have adjusted my way of dealing with this, everything has been much better. He also used to pull the "You're the adult" thing but I think that only is true up to a point. Your SD is 12 - she is old enough to know that she's got to actively participate as well. BF used to say that I didn't say hello to her when I got home. Umm... when I walk in the door and say Hey, it's a blanket Hey to everyone in the room. I explained that to him and told him that I will not make sure that everyone in the house gets a personal greeting. If she chooses to ignore me, that's her problem, not mine. And you know what? He finally got it.

This takes patience and effort on both parts. However, if you're expending all of the effort, then it becomes a one sided relationship. My advice would be to start documenting when things happen and then you might be able to present it to him logically. Just make sure that your documentation contains facts and not emotions.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

I think you can see a bit of two different perspectives here and I believe there is a happy medium.

In my opinion, for this to work you need three things:

1. You and DH to present a united front to the child. This means you agree on house rules and consequences and all disagreements are discussed outside of the child's awareness.

2. DH needs to be the parent, not you. It's his responsibility to make sure she does her homework and cleans up after herself, does chores, minds her manners, respects the adults in the home, etc. It's not your job to tattle on her when things don't get done, either - he'll find out eventually on his own, because in this scenario he's actually parenting her and making sure she does what she's told.

3. Your role is that of friend and trusted advisor. You are free to enjoy her without having to parent her because parenting her is DH's job. Your focus can be primarily on having fun while teaching important life lessons, in the same manner that you would with any other child.

If you disengage from parenting her, and can trust DH to do the job in a manner in which you both agree, you should be able to get down to the business of forming a loving relationship with her. While I don't like your DH's wording in getting his point across to you, I can still see his point; since you live with this child and love her father, it is incumbent on you, as the adult, to do your best to develop a true affinity and liking for her, and take the lead in developing the relationship you both deserve. Anything less will damage her development and your relationship with your husband.

I understand how you feel. I agree with all sides here. However,one thing that is often overlooked is how the kids can manipulate the situation. My SD13 knew if she played the friend card with me she would get shopping and manicures and the like. When things got bad with the disrespect I stopped it all. I felt like if I wasnt spending money on her she wouldn't go with me. I have stopped completely and now only talk when I have to. I have had my hand slapped too many times. I went into this trying to be her friend at age 10 and now she turns 14 next month and we are farther apart now. Granted she is a teenager and that comes with the territory, but I don't have to feed that ego.

I haven't read all the comments but I can tell you that the first thing to focus on is establishing trust with the girl. Don't be so concerned about discipline, replacing the mother (not saying you do) , and non-fun stuff. Trust is the foundation for any relationship. Let her see that you're not out to get her--that you mean well by her. Do some fun things like baking cookies together (who cares if its in the morning)--don't be concerned about that stuff right now. Make plans for icecream after school.--This will get SD off the phone bottle BM has her on. But if she wants to call BM let her. You do think its healthy for SD to mantain a relationship with her mom. SD needs you to affirm this. As time goes on trust will turn to some kind of caring love and that's when you can start putting in your two cents about not-so-fun things.

Think about it. When you met your DH did you start telling him what to do right away? I doubt it. When you meet new friends did you tell them right off the bat that they're doing something wrong? I would guess not. Why?--because they would tell you to bugger off already. Similar rules apply to kids.

BTW...let the BM try to sabatage it. She'll look like an ass in the end. If you take heart in what I said above (and you don't have to)-talk to your DH what your plans are for SD's relationship with you but you need him to back you up if BM gets out of hand. That is if she's the type that will try to mess things up.

Good luck

Ok well I didn't read any of the responses because...wow! lol

my SD11 is extremely standoffish,awkward and shy. Painfully awkward and standoffish. These are hard types of people to know for anyone honey, especially as a stepmom. Honestly honey, I have been with my husband for a while now (almost 6 years) now that's not forever but it's still a while...Now with that said, my SD11 is STILL reluctant to talk to me one-on-one. I drove her to dance class the other weekend alone and we didn't speak a word to each other until we got there. We just listened to music and that was it. It's not because we were mad at each other,not because we were fighting,nothing like that...it's just because we don't have a lot to talk about. This is probably the case with you and your sd. And that is absolutely OK honey! Your husband needs to understand that sometimes people just have nothing to talk about. It happens to lots of people.
My husband still gets manipulated by SD and she is sneaky and passive aggressive. But I let my love for my husband overshadow ALL of SD's faults. It honestly helps.

Your SD's BM is REALLY harming her daughter's potential to have a healthy relationship with you. Your husband truly MUST understand that you cannot have a healthy relationship with this girl until there is room made for you in the family to be part of her life as a respected adult friend.

Don't give up so soon. She just started living with you guys in november. That's NOT a long time for adjustment. Some kids take YEARS to adjust and some adults take YEARS to adjust. It's a tough, LONG process. Your DH needs to be more understanding of this delicate situation.

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"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

"Never let the hand you hold, hold you down." ~Aut

I dont know how much help it would be
I have alot of issues when it comes to my sd 16. But most of them are with her father and how he is with her. When he is not around her and I have a great relationship. I started just by pretending I was interested in things she was, and as time went on she would began to tell me things about boys that she liked and talk to me as one of her friends.
My only advice on this would be, Be her friend but make sure she understand that there are bountries on the friendship. My sd got to appoint where she was telling me things like that she was sneaking out at night and that she was drinking I explained to her that our friendship only goes so far and that there are still things that if she tells me I will tell her Dad. Once those ground rules were set thing were better.