My husband and I have only been married for 8 months now, and we have been having problems in regard to my SD since the being of our marriage. Since she has moved in with us (novemeber) it has only gotten worse. We totally don't see eye to eye on how our household should be run. I am the type of person that needs order. If there isn't order then I consider it chaos. Right now I feel like my house is in chaos. My husband and I our constantly arguing over the rules and chores that my SD should be doing/following. SD is lazy, doesn't like to listen, and wants to do what she wants most of the time. SD is 12; she is not only disrespectful to me but also her own mother. What's ironic about the situation is that when she lived with her mother, she had the same issues with my SD that we have with wanting her to follow the rules and chores. But my husband doesn't really think anything of it. He is very passive with her. He doesn't demand or expect too much. Then if she doesn't meet the little expectations he does have for her, all he does is talk to her about there is no consequence or punishment. My husband and I are very different when it comes to hwo we perceive things. The majority of the time he feels like if she doesn't follow the rules or do her chores its not a big deal. NOw we are to the point where he wants to adjust the rules and chores to fit her, which I totally do not agree with. My take on things is that kids NEED order. Order is given to then through rules, chores, and boundaries. When they do follow the rules, don't do chores, and cross boundaries then thats kids being kids by testing how far they can go. However, its our job as the parent to correct the behavior and let them know that won't be allowed through consequences and punishment. My husband thinks I don't TRULY want to have a relationship with his daughter. I just want to be a dictator to her, and tell her what to do all the time. I am totally not in agreement with his statement. I do want to have a better relationship with his daughter. I wish the lines of communication between us were better, that she could feel free to talk to me about anything, we could hang out, have fun, all of that. However, its hard to have that when she is disrespectful to me. I ask her to do something she back-talks me with asking why and then says I'll do it later. I didn't grow in a household where you back-talked any adult. They asked to something you did it, you didn't ask questions. However, I know that times are different now. So I appease her by giving her the reasons why, and then she still asks me why again. So then it just becomes a back and forth thing which is very annoying.

Its become very difficult to just live with both my husband and his daughter. This past weekend my husband and I had a very long talk about trying to come to a consensus on the how things should be in the house. He said that he understood where I was coming from. That he agrees that my SD should follow a set or rules and chores. But then this week he fall short on following through with what we agreed upon. For example, her bedtime it set at 9:30pm. She has cheer practice monday, wednesday, and thursday till 9p so on those days she usually doesn't go to bed till 10p. However, last night was an exception because she is going away today so she had to get her bag ready. But by 10:45p she had been in the bathroom messing around with her hair for about 10 minutes already. I asked my husband when she was going to go to bed because we were supposed to have some "quality time" last night. He got annoyed with me, but he did say to her that it was time for bed. So of course she doesn't go right to bed. She lazied around for another 10 minutes. I finally said to her "you father said it was time for you to go to bed 10 minutes ago, hurry up, you've got 5 minutes till lights out." After saying that my husband calls me in our room, and says "you didn't have to say that to her like that, I called her in here about 3 times which is why she isn't in bed yet, I told you before that you need to say things differently to her to get results." I knew for a fact that she wasn't just in the room with him the whole time. We have a one level apartment, so I could she that she had gone back int he bathroom and was messing around with her hair again. Of course, he doesn't believe me and frankly doesn't care. He just thinks I was talking harshly to her for no reason. When I really didn't say it harshly to her, I was just direct. Now anytime I say something he wants to be change how I say it some that I sound more friendly. I think its ridiculous. The girl is 12, I don't feel as though I should have to pussyfoot around what I want to say to her, nor do I think I should have to always tell her what she needs to do in a nice sweet tone voice. I way that I see it she already knows what is expected of her in this house she chooses not to do it. To make matters worse, her father doesn't get on her about follwoping the rules and doing her chores either. Sometimes its like he just "checks out", and he'd rather not be bothered. Its so frustrating feeling like I am the only person who does anything around the house to keep it neat, clean, and tidy. I get no help. Furthermore, I feel like hindered from developing a better relationship with my SD because I resent her for not doing what is supposed to. I resent my husband because he won't step up, be the man, and help me get this house in order.

I am mostly venting here, but TRULY I need advice on build a better relationship with my SD and see beyond her faults. Her irresponsibility, lack of consideration, and disrespectfulness are always before me. It bothers me that I can't move forward. I have tried to talk to her in the past, ask her questions about how she feels, have fun with her. But everytime she is disrespectful to me, it puts me back at square one. My inability to get beyond my hurt is driving a wedge not only between me and her but also me and my husband, her father. Her father and I have other issues as well. A BIG wedge that doesn't seem to be any better is the whole rules and chores piece. We just can not seem to be on one accord and form a united front. He always seems to want to bend the rules, and I don't believe in that. I feel like he/we need to have a standard, and until she shows us that she can abide by that standard that nothing needs to change. Bedtime, phone time, computer time, how you keep your room/bathroom, washing the dishes - none that should change until she can abide by it consistently. I'm not so much a stickler for rules as I am about order, and I think my husband is out of order.

Finally, like I said before I truly want some good advice. Anyone responds I appreciate your support. Thank you in advance,