Jess, I could have written your post even last year. And my SD is now 14! It was a constant battle, and my husband didn't back me up. Drove me crazy. We ended up in counseling and the counselor said that if we wanted our marriage to last, my husband needed to step up. She asked if the things I was execting were unreasonable. Reluctantly, he said they were not. She said if he wanted to have all the authority when it comes to SD (which he does), he must also take on all the responsibility.

Honestly, it is still a struggle. Husband lets a lot of things slide, rather than asking SD to do them. And he does other things for her to keep from having to ask. That is frustrating to me because then he is "too tired" to help me around the house. But it takes the onus off me to be the bad guy. Now, I just point out to husband when something needs to be done by SD and leave it up to him to handle.

Sometimes I have to grit my teeth when a load of clean towels isn't folded for a week! Or when the living room carpet is so filthy I hate to think of our two BDs (4 and 1) walking on it. But hearing that point of view from the counselor, instead of from me, made my husband realize he needed to deal with the situation.

Just my experience.

Is that whenever I wasn't feeling "respected" by my stepdaughters (I'm also a custodial stepmother) it was because of something more related to DH. DH didn't "thank me" or "ask me" to do something and so on...relating to his daughters. Example: on my day off he brought them to me early just assuming I'd keep them so he could work longer. I politely reminded him to ASK first!

I think the primary thing here with custodial steps is that the bioparent should issue the rule, warning, punishment etc. but over time some of it has to fall on you as well. My counselor told me the same as Elizabeth's but he also said that after 2 years of being a custodial stepmom you have the right to slowly issue your own discipline. As for respect...well that can only be taught from your DH. He should stand up and DEMAND that they respect you as HIS WIFE, if they don't respect you then in turn they aren't respecting him. Trust me that the kids will get that if it comes out of dad's mouth... The two of you need to come to terms with parenting style and that will create less conflict. My DH and I have to talk and revisit this subject all the time. But we do stay on the same page usually. DH will sometimes slack off and then we just have a talk about it and it gets better.

Not an easy situation AT ALL! But you and DH must be on the same page. Good luck

are lazy,be they bio or steps. The problem is that when they belong to you, you can let them have it. If you let the step have it exactly the same way you did your own, you are MEAN. You can't win. That is why I'D NEVER LIVE WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN.

I have to say I am pretty lucky that my Fskids do respect me and I think they even love me - I have to give my FH credit for that.
He would tell the kids (while we were dating) how much he cared for me how nice I was. He showed me respect and kindess when they were around me and we tried to "parent" together. I am not the EVIL step mom but I do demand respect. FH knows that and he never once disrespected me in front of them- not to say that it could have turned either way but I think the kids knowing up front that he cared for me (before I met them) and let them know they were still important might have helped?

I do not know what I would do if they started acting out like some of those I have read.
my love to all of you that are dealing with these monsters!!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

I have struggled with this for years, and I hate to say it, but if your Dh doesnt step up now, it will only get worse. After hearing countless therapists and counselors, etc tell him he needed to step up and be the parent, he has yet to do it. As a result, the SD16 is going to be moving in with her BM this weekend. This saddens me, because neither of the people wanted to be parents, one putting it on the other, etc. Now, the child is going to live with a woman who could care less if she breathes tomorrow. her life will go down the drain and be shit just like SD18. I am very sad about it, but if he isn't going to step up, then I am grateful she is moving out, the tension level in my house will go down 100%. I wish you luck, and I know how very hard this is for you. HUGS!!!!

That such a simple thing as respect is forgotten in relationships. I think about how my parents showed such simple straightforward respect for each other and then I look at things/people now days. Perhaps I wasn't the best husband (or I would still be married to my ex wife) but the fact that we can get along now says (to me) that we had respect for each other. I was raised that chldren respect their elders -- I still open doors for women and old(er) people. I often call older men "Sir" just out of respect.

My father would have been appalled at kids screaming at adults -- we as parents should not necessarily be our kids friends. Our role in life is to raise them and prepare them for adult life. (Then they leave and bring back our grandchildren so that we can do all the fun stuff). I still cannot see how being a different kind of parent is good for kids.

I have gotten a lot of perspective from this site, but a lot of great reinforcement about parenting skills (especially in the long term).