More lying!!!
So, yesterday I found out that my SD14 has been seeing a boy that she is not allowed to be around because he got her arrested back in October. He threatened to stab her and kill her friend, we found out, turned him in to the cops, he countered saying that my SD14 threatened him, too, so they arrested her as well. She was told be both me, he father, and her therapist to stay away from this boy because he is nothing but trouble. I just found out that they have been talking since the first of the year, and dating for over a month. She lied to me about it, then wanted me to lie to her father about it so she wouldn't get in trouble. She keeps doing things like this, and I am tired of dealing with it. I don't know what to do anymore. When I talked to her about it, she tried to shut me down saying she didn't want to talk to me anymore and that she thinks a hate her and that I love my other two children more than her. Really hurt my feelings because I love her very much. I talk to her about these things because I love her and I want what is best for her. But I am getting to the point where I want to throw my hands up and say forget it, your on your own from now on.
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What's best for her is not
What's best for her is not to be with a boy who is a douch. Lying is no way to stay out of trouble. It's a way to stiffen whatever con-sequence may be deserved. Lying tolerance for me? Zee-ear-row! does she have a phone? Whoops not any more. Go out with friends? Nope. How is she seeing this kid? You can't be the devils advocate with the BD in hopes that she will 'love' you. Love is keeping her safe and not allowing her to manipulate you into giving in. Tug those heart strings all she wants, but at the end of the day...no one gets stabbed
I told her when I confronted
I told her when I confronted her about it last night that she is to stop all communication with him. They go to the same school, so she sees him there, I have no control over that. I have complete access to her computer, that is how I found out about all of this in the first place. I am going to tell BD because I do not keep things from him. We share everything. If I didn't tell him I would be a hipocrit for telling my SD14 not to lie. I don't do things so that she will love me, if anything I am surprised that she doesn't absolutely hate me. I am more of a parent to her than either of her BP. I spend way more time with her than either of them. If it wasn't for me she would still be walking all over BD and probably living with BM, drinking and drugging it up and having sex with anything with a penis. I agree, my lying tolerance is ZERO! I absolutely abhore liars and it is extremely difficult to live with one full time. Thanks for your advice, it helps to know that what I feel is the right thing to do is really the right thing to do.
RH_SM, did you let her Dad
RH_SM, did you let her Dad know?
I know she doesn't want you to, but he definitely should know about this. As for her telling you that you love your own children more than her..she's trying to use guilt as her weapon. Just tell her firmly that you love her very much which is why you and her Dad do not want her hanging out with this boy who is clearly dangerous. And let her know that you will be speaking with her Dad about it. The more upfront you are about the consequences of her behavior, the less she'll feel 'betrayed' by the punishment.
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Seriously! Are you in my
Seriously! Are you in my brain??? I wholeheartedly agree that she only says that you love your children more than her because she's trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty so that you keep her secret.
Now this is gonna sound nutty but... do you live in a town where you can make an appointment at the morgue or the police station so that she can see what happens to people that get into dangerous situations? I know - it sounds nuts but it's almost like she might need to be scared straight. Oh lord - I hope I don't get crucified on this one
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Bwahahaha - I can read your
Bwahahaha - I can read your mind - I have ESPN - LOL
I totally agree with the idea you've come up with! Sometimes having an actual *visual* of what the consequences of their actions can be speaks VOLUMES!!
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
ESPN *giggles* "There are
ESPN *giggles*
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I completely get that she is
I completely get that she is trying to put me on a guilt trip. Honestly, I don't love her the same as I love my biokids. I didn't meet her until she was almost 8 years old. I didn't carry her in my womb and go through labor and holding her for the first time and seeing her reach all those important milestones. I love her, but it's different. I gave her an option last night. I told her that if she doesn't tell her father what is going on, I will. Now I'm getting the silent treatment. I told her this morning that I would be a hipocrit if I keep her secret after telling her that she shouldn't keep secrets from us and lie to us. She's always telling me that she doesn't want to be like her BM who lies constantly and never takes responsibility for her actions. I told her that her not taking responsibility for what she is doing wrong is just that same as her BM not taking responsibility for all the lies she told her BD. She has until tonight to tell her BD, or I will.
As for the idea of taking her to the morgue or police station...I am not going to crucify you for that...lol. If we lived in the states, I would probably try and set it up. I'm not sure how I would go about that on a military base overseas. She needs something huge to knock some sense into her ass! She obviously knows she shouldn't have done what she did or she wouldn't be so intent on keeping it a secret, but now she is caught and doesn't want to have to deal with the consequences, just like BM. I hope and pray my two precious babies never turn out like SD14.
It's completely normal that
It's completely normal that you love your biokids more. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I like the way you handled it with her, telling her that she can tell her Dad or you will. You did the right thing RH_SM. Keeping any secrets would just allow her to manipulate you and put you into even more situations you shouldn't be in. Not to mention, if anything ever happened and you knew about it, I'm sure that would weigh heavy on your conscious.
I'm really not sure how to get thru to teenagers, because I was once a stubborn teenager myself who would do things that were completely dangerous and thought my parents had no clue what they were talking about.
I think there should be two punishments here though. One punishment for doing something she was told not to do, and another punishment for lying about it. I think that the punishment for lying should be more severe. If she knows that she can come to you guys about anything without her getting yelled at or jumped on, she will more than likely open up more. Ask her questions to challenge her thinking about this boy...like what does she think this boy has to offer her? How long does she think this boy and her will be friends? (1 year?, 5 years?, forever??)....young teens only have the capability to see the here and now, so ask her what the point is of having this boy who will only be around for so long to put her into dangerous situations possibly getting her own self hurt or killed ruining any chance she has to become ______ (insert profession) and have a family of her own.
I think if you can help her "see" or paint the big picture for her, she might be able to see how her decisions/choices now impact her for the rest of her life.
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Thank you! I needed to hear
Thank you! I needed to hear that! I needed to know that my relationship with my own flesh and blood is NOTHING to feel guilty about. I agree that there should be two punishments and the lying should get a more serious punishment. She has an ongoing problem with lying. She lies about anything and everything, for no reason sometimes. I honestly think we need to start looking into the fact that she might be a compulsive liar. We have always been very open with her about dating and boyfriends and things like that. We have always told her that she needs to remember that these boys that she meets in high school are not going to be around forever, especially since we are a military family and we move around A LOT. When she was seeing this boy before, and we found out what had been going on, we talked to her about how dangerous that situation was and that she was lucky it ended before he had anymore chances to hurt her or worse. She will tell us she understands and she sees how bad that is and how she will not forget about it and how she will be more careful and let us know at the first sign of trouble if anything like that ever happens again, but obviously that's a load of BS. She turned around not 6 months later and did the same thing all over again with the same guy. Now she's mad at me for calling her out? I keep thinking to myself if I wasn't her SM, but a girl her age, I would never have anything to do with her because so many things about her represent all the things I despise in people. I am really hoping she will tell her BD about what's been going on, but I get the feeling that it's going to be me telling him.
Middlemom, Thanks. I told
Middlemom,
Thanks. I told her I would be telling her dad. I told her that I love her and that is why I want her to be safe and listen to what we tell her because it is for the best. I appreciate the advice and words of encouragement.
You should definitely not be
You should definitely not be complicit with her and help her lie. I can't even believe she had the nerve to ask you to. I am sure you know all of this and don't want to be any part of it. Helping her in this situation could hurt your marriage and your husband. I bet he doesn't want to be in the dark about his daughter doing things that could get her in serious trouble.
Good luck. This has to be one of the hardest parts of parenting for sure.