My innocent DS10
I don't post too often. mostly i just read for advice. However, just a refresher before i ask for advice. I have a DS10 who's father is in prison (which means no CS and no EOW visits). he has been in jail off and on for years but this is the longest time he's been away, he has another 1 1/2 years. Honestly i'd rather cut all contact with XH because i feel his bad influence outweighs any good thing he could possibly do for DS. I've been divorced from XH for 7 years now. I am remarried but am currently separated from DH and going to counseling to work on our issuse. BLened families are tough even in the best of situations.
SO.....the other night XH calls and speaks to DS for their 15 minture phone call (i don't pay for these, XH's mom does). When the call is over DS tells me he needs to ask me something very important. i think he may have said it was important twice. So he tells me he'd really like for his dad to come live with us when he gets out of jail. HHMMMM....i think i almost laughed and told DS no. probably the wrong response since he told me how important this was to him. then he guilts me "gosh mom, you're mean. you're not even going to think about it? Dad, said you'd say no." WOW!~ XH knew DS was going to ask me this? now i'm pissed and have finally heard it all. LOL
This just proves how innocent my DS still is. did he really think this was possible? Then last night DS had counseling and brought the issue up to his counselor again. claiming i answered too quickly and didn't really "hear" him. so again i had to listen to my poor DS ask me if his dad can move in with us. This is SOOOO not happening. there are about a million reasons why XH cannot move in with us...most of which are not DS10 business and i don't feel he should hear. For the details. XH was/is an alcoholic. the relationship was awful and ended with him cheating on me repeatedly, i'm sure.
SO last night i told DS i'd think about it and since last night he's asked me 4 times if i've thought about it yet. What do i tell him?
GOSH i hate XH right now!!!
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With a 15min call, I'm not
With a 15min call, I'm not sure why you can be angry at XH...it probably went something like this...
S-"Daddy, where are you going when you get out"
XH-I'm not sure yet...
S-Why don't you come live w/me and mommy?
XH-No, I can't do that or that's not an option
S-Why? You can come live with us, I'm sure mom won't mind...
I'll ask her...
XH-No, don't ask her, she'll say no...that's not an option.
S-OK dad...
Go home to mom and I ask her "can daddy come live with us?"
So, please see this from your son's point of view and not your ex...he probably wants to help his dad and this is how he thinks he can help...
Sorry, I know it must be tough...just giving you a bit of perspective so that you can maybe understand that it's probably coming from your "innocent son"...because of his innocense...
Aww...poor kid! I think a
Aww...poor kid! I think a lot of kids go through this at various stages in their development. It's wishful thinking that 'Mommy and Daddy will get back together one day'.
I would just explain to DS that you both will always love and care for him, but you no longer love each other. That as adults you have to live seperately because you don't get along anymore, but you both will always be there for him.
I'm sure someone else on here will have a much more eloquent way of saying that...but it's a start.
Good luck!
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
Although i'd like to think
Although i'd like to think the converstaion went something like that i still can't believe XH would let DS ask me that. XH has never shouldered any blame for anything. He's always left it to me to break DS's heart.
A few years ago when XH wasn't in jail he was VERY behind in CS. We had a court date set up. XH TOLD DS that we were going to court and i could send him to jail over money. Talk about a nightmare! Then DS (8 then) wanted to get a job to help his dad so he wouldn't go to jail.
So what do i tell DS? do i tell him the details? the 8 million reasons why XH cannot live with us. I'm sure he'll ask me again this afternoon.
God will forgive me. It's his job.
~~Heinrich Heine
Take the high road. Do not
Take the high road. Do not involve your young son in the details!
Even if your ex is the biggest asshole on the planet, he is still your sons father and it would hurt him more in the long run to learn the details at such a tender age. He is already showing signs of 'taking on adult burdens' by offering to get a job. You have to deal with this straight on in age appropriate language.
I don't think he needs any reasons why ex can't live with you. I refer you back to my original post.
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
Moved to 'reply' ***Life -
Moved to 'reply'
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
I know what you mean, but
I know what you mean, but not sure how your XH can control what a 10yr old tells you, especially when he's in jail and can't be calling you or there to tell him, no, I told you not to ask, blah, blah...
I don't think you need to tell him why, I think you need to tell him..."look, once mommies and daddies are divorced, they no longer live together...we still both love you and want the best for you...once your daddy gets out, I will talk to him to ensure that we know where he lives so that you can visit, etc..." and just leave it as that...
Thanks for your advice. The
Thanks for your advice.
The counselor was shocked and told me she was pissed at his father for putting DS in this position.
She did tell me that just hearing DS AGAIN say it was important to him.
SHe said that i should think about it (like i can think about anything else) but still NOT change my mind.
i'm just beside myself....what will XH do next to drag our DS down?? Like this isn't tough enough on him.
God will forgive me. It's his job.
~~Heinrich Heine
I'm late to this post... I
I'm late to this post...
I think your son needs to know some truth about his dad in prison. And the counselor needs to help navigate that in a positive way.
I do not believe in "protecting" kids from everything. Life is hard. My exBIL spent a ton of time in prison for drugs and selling stolen goods. When he got out my sister encouraged a relationship between him and my nephew. My ExBIL saw that as the perfect time to introduce his son- half of who's childhood he missed- to drugs. My nephew is now a recovering addict himself.
My sons' SM has a worse situation. Her exH spent time in jail when the kids were little, she remarried (my exH) before her ex got out of jail. He had a half hearted attempt to bond with the kids, and now we found out he used to tell them how he was going to kill my exH and they could all be a family again. He murdered someone last year- a neighbor- in a very hideous way.
Sometimes...
We chose a horrible person to have a child with. And the way we protect our children, is to find a delicate balance between the truth and allowing them to love the other parent.
Hugs to you...