What/who do you really hate?
This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance!
I think that, so many times in life, we'll find ourselves in situations where we'll wonder, "how in the heck did it get this bad?" or "when will this end?" or "who's to blame here?"
I know that I have asked myself these questions to myself several times throughout my life, though I will say that I have asked myself those questions to myself more during my career as a SM than I have at any other time in my life.
Feeling resentment is an unpleasant part of our humanity. We don't like it. It's not pleasant, regardless of whether we're feeling it towards someone else or we're on the receiving end of it. It stresses us out. It makes us do things we don't normally do. I know that's what it's done to me.
I'm a SD and a SM. When I decided to marry DH, I decided that I was going to be the complete opposite of my stepmother. My stepmother is a very angry, unhappy, cold person. She is very rough around the edges. She was and is totally opposite of you wonderful ladies here. I felt like Jane Eyre did living under her Aunt Reed's roof. Like Jane, I felt unwanted.
Life has an uncanny way of putting us in the position where we can say we've experienced both sides of the story. When I was getting to know DH, he revealed that he had two kids. He told me that he and his ex-wife did not have a good relationship. He told me that he had (and always will have) so much love for his kids. I thought, "Great. He's a really caring guy who loves his kids more than anything and I know he'll make a great dad to any kids we have together."
They say that love is blind, and my love for DH must have made my eyese blind towards his guilt-parenting of the SDs. Once we were married and the honeymoon phase was over, I started to see that these kids were not being raised the right way. They were being alienated from DH and neglected by BM. DH was guilt-parenting because, quite honestly, he didn't know how else to handle it. He wanted for the kids to love him. I wasn't happy about it, but I hoped and prayed that he would learn to deal with it in time.
Time did teach him how to deal with it; however, time was a double-edged sword whose other half included great and unforseen tragedy. I got pregnant. DH and I were elated! I was finally going to have a child of my own. Just as I wanted to be the complete opposite of my stepmother to my SDs, I wanted to be the complete opposite of BM to my child. I did not want my child to feel bad for loving his father.
Throughout my pregnancy, DH continued to guilt-parent and BM started to act in a manner that was even more evil than he manner she previously exhibited. She stalked me via the Internet, and I got all sorts of hate mail from her. DH continued to allow her to get away with this behavior. As their parents continued down this path, the SDs behavior got worse and worse. I felt resentment towards them. When I was 4 months pregnant, I miscarried. It was, and remains to this day, the most horrific experience I've ever contended with in life. Looking back on it, I firmly believe that my miscarriage was caused by the stress I was feeling due to the situation.
For a long time, my resentment towards my stepkids continued. I felt like all three of them (SDs and BM) had won. I was just angry.
However, I would still occasionally reflect back to the times I visited my dad on weekends growing up. I struggled with resentment as a child, and I struggled with it as an adult. I just wasn't up for fighting the struggle anymore. I was worn out. I sought counseling.
People say that it's so much easier to view things objectively as an outsider. My therapist was and is that outsider, and told me about PAS. She told me to research it. I was astounded by what I found. Everything that I read concerning PAS applied to the situation I found myself in.
She also asked me to think carefully about two questions. She asked me if I really hated my stepkids, or the situation I was in.
My stepkids were 9 and 11 when I miscarried. For more than half of their lives, they had been programmed to hate DH and myself by BM. If they dared to care about us, they faced beatings by BM. DH and I had no idea about this until we got them into therapy.
My miscarriage caused DH to look at how he was parenting his kids. He saw the error of his ways. He saw the road these kids were going down. He knew that this road had unhappy endings in store for the girls. More importantly, he knew that even if BM wouldn't, he needed to give them a shot, however small, at turning out to be decent people.
I ask you to think about the same two questions my therapist asked me. Do you hate your stepkids, or do you hate the situation that you're in? Do you hate the way these kids are being parented? Are you resentful of DH's past (which is a human thing to feel) ? What can you, as individuals, do to improve your situation and decrease the resentment?
One of my favorite musicians, Don Henley, once said that kids have excellent BS detectors. Except for his precise drumming and beautiful singing, he could not have been more accurate. In fact, I think that most humans, regardless of age, have BS detectors. Kids can sense how others feel about them. Not knowing how to properly react to any negative feelings about them, they often act out.
Having told you my story, and having heard several of yours, I ask you to take a step back and ask yourselves: is it really your stepkids you hate, or the situation you nor your stepkids desire, but all find yourselves in?
- Anon2009's blog
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Comments
I can't say I HATE anything
I can't say I HATE anything at all, but I definitely don't like the position that I'm put in with being the bad guy sometimes.
I don't hate SD AT ALL - she's a good kid but I don't like my BF's lack of consistency over parenting and disciplining SD.
I don't like that when I get pissed or frustrated about the lack of consistency in his parenting, that I withdraw from SD.
I don't like that he's allowed Wilda to control him (and therefore us and our house) for so long - this is hopefully coming to and end now that we know where he stands legally.
I don't like that I allow my distate for Wilda affect my relationship with SD. One should have nothing to do with the other.
I don't like that when we fight, it's got nothing to do with US, it's always about these outside forces. Although, I guess they're not - Wilda is, but SD's not an outside force.
I DO NOT like Wilda for obvious reasons as well as the way that she parents (or more accurately, does not parent) which is not healthy for SD.
I don't like that I'm resentful and jealous of SD. It feels so silly sometimes - she's his daughter. I try to think about how I feel about my dad and how terrible I'd feel if he and my mom were divorced and I had to share him with someone. SD handles sharing BF a hell of a lot better than I do.
I don't like that I'm jealous that Wilda got to marry him and he's too scared to marry me b/c she destroyed him. I know that our relationship is better than theirs ever was but I'm still resentful of the fact that they were married and we're not. I'll get over that someday
I don't like that I was so freakin' clueless coming into this that I had no idea what it would be like.
I don't like that I blame myself for not knowing what it would be like - how could I?
I'm exhausting!
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I can say I definitely know
I can say I definitely know where my resentment lies.
I cannot stand BM.
I cannot stand the way DH allows BM to intrude in our lives, and I cannot stand the disneyland dad thing with DH.
SD is not the problem, her parents are.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
Kat - this is something that
Kat - this is something that I've been trying to do but I just don't know how. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a control freak and don't let go well, but if you've got any advice on how to let it go and not consume you, I'd love to hear it! I tend to be an all or nothing type so I get overwhelmed easily thinking that if I do let go of my annoyance at his lack of consistency, then my house is going to be a mess and there's nothing I can do about it. Rationally, I know that's not true but my emotional brain can't wrap my head around it.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I hope you feel better soon!
I hope you feel better soon! (((HUGS))) and prayers!
feel better!! and thank you
feel better!! and thank you
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I would love to read your
I would love to read your blog as well. This is something I believe that I am struggling with as well. I want to have so much control and I'm not sure how to let it go.
Hope you feel better
I don't hate anything either
I don't hate anything either but I dislike:
1. My BF's way of parenting or actually lack of.
2. The fact that because of this "parenting" our home is controlled by the whims a of a nine and a half year old.
3. The blindness to see that this child is NOT happy being parented this way.
4. The lack of respect on everyone's part.
5. What the consequenses of this "parenting" could be latter on when she is a teen.
6. My BF and I have no time together as a couple because he spends almost every non-working moment with his daughter.
7. The fact that BM doesn't care whether she sees her daughter or not or could it be that dad is so scared of losing his little girl full time that he has poisoned her against her mother or most likely a combination of both.
I seriously must disengage...I too have no power over this...for my own health and piece of mind.
With all the drama and
With all the drama and nightmare she and her mother have caused, I can honestly say I don't hate her...but I hate the situation she has put us in. I tried to do just as you...my cousins hardly ever saw their dad (my uncle) and I wanted to do things differently...I wanted to make sure that his child was not hurt by the divorce...that I was fair with her...that I treated everyone with respect, etc...what happened was that after being nice (I paid over 3K when DH and I began dating so that DH wouldn't ruin BMs credit since the house was still under her name as well, paid her CS when he had no job, bought things for their house that SD liked and never complained, incl. Barbie sheets, etc...), I was taken advantage of...the closer SD and I became, the more BM tried to interfere in my life with DH, the more she demanded, the more she tried to turn SD against me...lies about me yelling at her, hitting her, etc...which of course my DH didn't believe because he was ALWAYS with us, but his family made my life miserable because they DID believe it (they didn't even know me at the time, except knew I had a good job, a beautiful house, etc...thus I was "rich" and they weren't)...and after BM took us to court and ruined MY credit, made us basically not be able to afford the house I worked so hard for, etc...AND my son was diagnosed with autism I said "NO MORE"...I don't care if they go to hell, if they can't eat, if they fall off the face of the earth...I can see a bit that this was BMs doing, but by now his daughter is old enough to know how both DH and I always treated her, so I now blame her as well...My mother ALWAYS tried to make us hate my uncle's second wife saying horrible things about her and we saw RIGHT THROUGH IT...so no matter how much PAS there is, because there was contact for quite a while and it was good, I cannot forgive his daughter because it truly is up to her to see through it...otherwise, she's just like her mother...
So while I don't hate her, I really don't want her to be a part of our lives anymore unless she changes her ways...I don't want her lack of respect for her father or me to impact our son...I will not allow it...If she ever grows up and starts behaving like someone I want my child around, that's a different story, but for now, she will not be allowed in my home or I will be leaving...DH agrees 100%
I don't hate SSs AT ALL - I
I don't hate SSs AT ALL - I just don't like my DH's guilt, passive way of parenting and then I get in a bad mood - I don't like being the bad guy if I don't agree with DH.
I don't like that I'm resentful and jealous of BM. She has so much control over my DH and they have been divorced for 7 years. I don't like that they are overly friendly and communicate ALL the TIME over email and phone calls at work but when we're around BM together she doesn't say two words.
I don't like feeling like I am so far down on DH's priorities - the kids are first, then BM, and then me - it makes me sad
I am sick of all the baby
I am sick of all the baby mama drama too...my Bf daughter's mother has always got drama going on, no money, boyfriend troubles, poor poor pitiful her...get a job, some self respect, and some resposibility and see how far that takes her.
Anon - Thank you so much for
Anon - Thank you so much for posting this touching, beautiful, and at the same time, heartbreaking story.
I think that if you can find it in your heart, to search your soul, and come to the realization that it's not the skids, it's the parents.... after all you have been through... well, to me, that makes you a role model for step-parent behavior.
You could have gone the other way. You could have let your resentment build up and consume you. You could have taken it out on DH and on the skids. But you chose instead to work on yourself.... And it seems like by working on yourself, you have improved all of the relationships around you!
Thanks again.... I hope that others read this and find inspiration, and hope... just like I did.
(( Hugs ))
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Thanks Stick, you are
Thanks Stick, you are definitely one of my role models for being a stepparent too! (((HUGS))) right back!