Frivilous wedding
My 29 year old step daughter got pregnant last February (2009), was married in June in her mother's living room by a minister, had the baby in November 2009, and NOW she wants to have a big shindig wedding in June (2010). They are calling it a "reaffirmation" of their vows. I didn't know anything about this until my husband's secretary slipped and said something about "the wedding" last weekend. My husband's reply was "I thought I told you about it". Of course, he hadn't told me....his daughter had brought it up last year,(saying I'm STILL goint to have my big wedding) but I thought it had blown over since they have a new baby and are getting on with their lives. Of course, we are expected to pay 1/2 of the cost of this event, and I haven't even been asked if it is OK with me!
I think I might have been better with the whole idea if she and her husband had gotten both of us on the phone and told us what they were planning and asked BOTH of us if we would be able to help with the cost of the wedding and approximately how much it would be. But, NO, she went around me and if the secretary hadn't slipped up, I STILL would not have known about this wedding. I now believe my husband when he says he thought he told me, but I have a good memory and don't forget important things like this.
I'm having a hard time letting go of the resentment built up within me....this woman and I have never really gotten along that well; we just sort of tolerate each other. How can I get on with my life and shake this mad and disappointed feeling I have?
I would really just like to forgo the wedding and not attend, but my husband would NEVER forgive me....my better judgement tells me to go and keep my mouth shut, but it's sure hard to do. I did tell my husband how I feel about all of this and most of my friends have agreed with me that this wedding is a big waste of money and time. We are not poor, but we are not rich. Both of us work very hard for our money and what we have built up and I don't want to throw any of it away! We are getting close to retirement age and I'm trying to build our savings all the time.
Any advice for me? Has anyone else been through a situation like this?
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Well dkayh I have to tell
Well dkayh I have to tell you in my opinion I would be upset too. I am 30 and I married my husband last year. He has a daughter and full custody. His mother is comfortable but she still has to work for her money and she does try to save a lot. My mom has no money works two jobs and barely gets by wk to wk. My husbands father is kind of in the middle of the two moms. So when we wanted to get married and have a wedding WE had to pay for it. My mom paid for my bridal shower w. the help of her sister (my aunt/godmom) and my mother in law at the time totally dispised (spelling) me becasue I was taking her "daughter" away. (my stepdaughter.) So she didnt help at all.
My pt to that little story is that ur SD decided to bring a baby into this world and to get married in a livingroom to make it official before the baby came. That was a good jesture and totally understandable. BUT now she has that baby and I totally agree with you that it is a TOTAL waste of money to have another wedding or "vowl renewal". I personally would being freaking out on my husband (becasue I am a spaze to being w.) but honestly you work just has as hard as your husband does and its your money he is giving her also. Not to mention that I am sure you two as a couple and grandparents have already given and continue to give to the new baby. your SD needs to grow up and realize her life is not her own anymore and that she needs to think about that baby she brought into the world.
hope this helps. God Bless.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your comments...I feel much better now!
Thank you for the comments.
Thank you for the comments. And, yes, it did remind me of a Jerry Springer wedding, come to think of it! LOL
as far as I'm
as far as I'm concerned....she should pay for her own wedding. She's almost 30 for godsakes with a kid.
Did you contribute to the
Did you contribute to the original wedding?
To be honest, I don't blame her for wanting a her 'dream' wedding. I have never wanted a big wedding or dress or 'walking down the aisle', but a lot of women have very specific details of how they want their wedding to be.
In saying that, I would never expect my parents to contribute to my party! I anticipate covering all of the cost when/if the big day ever comes.
However, I know that my parents did contribute to my sisters wedding, and I know they would offer me a little financial help. My Mom paid for my sisters dress, and I know my Dad put in some money.
Why don't you and your DH sit down and figure out how much you're willing to contribute and offer that to SD. You in no way should be held accountable for half of her 'dream'. But helping is always nice.
***Life - It's not a rehearsal***
There was very low cost in
There was very low cost in the original wedding. Her mom put out a few chips and dips and a little wine. You know, I probably wouldn't have had any trouble with this if she had come to both of us and asked for help, but she didn't.
Anyway, nothing else has been said about the wedding, so I'll just wait and see what happens.
I'm not sure I have any good
I'm not sure I have any good advice for you...I got married 1 1/2 years ago (at age 36) and I certainly didn't expect my parents to pay for it! I would MUCH rather they saved that money for themselves -- they're already retired.
My SD21 (now) had a baby Dec 08, and they just got married last month. DH & I paid for it -- but it was a SMALL wedding at City Hall. between the dress, flowers, cake, lunch for 14 people and a hotel room for the couple & ourselves, we spent about $2,000. I agreed to do this because I wanted her wedding to feel special -- not have her look back on the day and feel like it wasn't important to anyone. (Also, it made my DH happy!) BUT, it was very small and we only had 2 weeks to plan it. I felt comfortable with the amount we spent, and I think it was worth the money to make my DH happy -- hopefully the SD will look back and be appreciative!
Are your SD and her H working? have an income of their own? why aren't they contributing towards their own wedding?
I do think your husband needs to discuss this financial decision with you -- you should definetely expresss your concerns about your financial stability as retirement approaches. Rather than simply paying half can you and your husband agree on an amount that you would just give the couple? that way, if her plans become outrageous, you aren't on the hook for it.
Thank you.. last year,
Thank you.. last year, after the shot gun wedding, I told DH we should give them $3,000 as a wedding present and if they wanted to blow it on a big wedding, fine...if they were smart, they'd put it on their house!
DH is like an ostrich...he always sticks his head in the sand.
I guess we'll see what happens...
Thanks so much for your input.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your thoughts...I, too, think the 5 year anniv. party is uncalled for, esp. if they want you to foot the bill!
I paid for my own, small
I paid for my own, small wedding...I'm letting the ex pay for the divorce
I'm not high-maintenance, always contribute more than necessary, so it's only "fair", as fair as divorces can be. I don't even ask him for anything...
Now if I ever get married again, my mom will know about it, but I won't let her send me a dime. I'm old enough, and if I want a dream wedding, well damn it, my dream has to fit into my budget or be put on hold until my budget is big enough to accommodate it.
If I ever get divorced again...my future ex will get to foot the bill
Thank you; I bet your mom
Thank you; I bet your mom appreciates you!