Because *I* am not the "real" mom..............this is a little long.
Last night we went to a party for FH's niece. The party started at 6:30 and ended at 9:30.
6:30 - we get there and they start serving pizza. SD10 is sulking and refuses to eat, saying she is not hungry. Okay, fine but you are not going to eat when we get home at 10:00 so you should eat here and you haven't eaten since lunchtime. SD10 still says she is not hungry.
7:00 - party is happening - kids are dancing and mingling, there's a strobe light and a disco ball, and everyone is having tons of fun - except SD10 who sits by us and refusing to even socialize.
7:15 - SD10 grabs a handful of potato chips, then some Doritos, then some pretzels. I tell her she should eat some pizza and she says she's not hungry AND her stomach hurts and all she wants to eat is cake and ice cream. I tell her "NO" she will not eat just cake and ice cream if she doesn't eat even ONE piece of pizza. She sits there with a sourpuss look on her face.
7:30 - FH makes SD10 go get a piece of pizza. SD10 takes a couple bites and then goes and throws it away in the garbage can saying she still has a stomach ache.
8:00 - SD10 still sitting and watching the kids do the limbo, line dance, hoola hoop, and play "kiss the poster while blindfolded". Finally, FH takes SD10 into the other room and tells her to stay in there until we leave if she's going to be a brat. Well, the parents of the bday girl, and the grandparents, and FH pretty much stay in there with her, giving her hugs, asking her what's wrong, and then they take her in some cake and ice cream. SD10 eats every bite of it and then says her stomach hurts and she wants to leave.
9:00 - FH comes up to me and tells me to go and get SD8, that we're leaving. SD8 comes running by around that time and FH stops her and tells her we're leaving. SD8 gets upset by this. SHE is having FUN. So, I tell FH that we are NOT leaving until the party is over. We stay.
9:30 - We gather up the skids. Get their coats on. Grandparents are hugging everyone. SD10 still looking "sour". We get in the car and SD8 is going on and on about the party. SD10 perks up and starts talking about other "better" parties she has been to and how the music was so loud at THIS party that it was giving her a headache. I reminded her that the music was MUCH louder at her own party we threw for her. I also say that since SD10 is not feeling well, that she needs to go immediately to bed when we get home. I can tell FH is pissed about my behavior.
10:00 - FH tells SD10 she can lay on the couch and watch TV with me. FH goes into our bedroom to watch football. I flip through channels and find Law and Order SVU (one of my favorite shows). SD10 WILL NOT WATCH anything that is not Disney or Nickelodeon. She says to me: "I don't like this show". I get up and go tell FH that I will just go into the garage and shoot some pool and watch TV out there. FH comes out and tells SD10 that she needs to just go to bed. SD10 starts crying and then FH is hugging her and he walks her to her room and is in there for about 1/2 hour. I continue watching my show and SD8 is on her computer and we're talking and having a nice evening.
11:00 - I go to bed. FH is up watching the news. I get into bed and FH says to me: "I think SD10 really had a stomach ache, what do you think?" I tell him that I think that SD10 pulled the same stunt she always does. She says she doesn't feel good - and all of a sudden, she is the center of attention. She's done it at numerous occasions this past year and I was not going to give into it this time. I told him that he should have put her into bed without all the "talking" about what's wrong with her.
FH says that he thinks SD10 may have emotional problems from the BM's household. I said that may be true, but it is not an excuse to be rude, disrespectful, or misbehave and SD10 was ALL of those things at the party. FH says: "I don't think you would have made your OWN child go to bed when we got home."
Well, I almost blew up at that. I said, you're right. I WOULD HAVE PACKED UP THAT CHILD AND LEFT AND TOOK HER HOME IMMEDIATELY AND MADE HER SIT IN HER ROOM WITH NO COMPUTER, NO TV, NO NOTHING - NO ATTENTION AT ALL. And that's EXACTLY what I would have done had she been MY child.
I realized last night that if I had been married to my FH for the last ten years and I was the REAL mother of these children, I would be able to handle any and all situations as I saw fit, with probably very little input from FH, but last night when SD10 was taking everybody away from the party and everybody was worried about her (including the bday girl), I just stood in the party room and felt like I had no say in anything. AND this is after I just took both girls to the DR. for a well visit and had to answer tons of questions regarding their health and habits and family history. I had to help them both pee in a cup, put on their gowns, hold them while they each received a shot. Filling out paperwork that asks for the dad's info and the mom's info - and I felt like a nanny. Then I take the girls to sign them up for softball - and the same thing. Dad's and mom's info - and that's all. OKAY - I get this, paperwork can't possible include EVERYBODY in blended families - that would be a bit ridiculous. And nobody needs to know about MY history because I'm NOT related - common sense, I get this. BUT I had to sign on the dotted line that says: AUTHORIZED SIGNATURE________________________ (MY name goes HERE)
AUTHORIZED? Well, yea, for all the crap work. I "get" to do all of that tedious stuff. BUT, I am not authorized to raise these children as I see fit in all instances. I was being the "mom" at the doctor and softball signups. FH was so grateful to me for doing these two things for him because he had to work those days and he told me so half a dozen times. BUT, authorized to get involved when the kid is being a brat, pulling a stunt, and taking all the attention away from the bday girl - I am not authorized to disagree with how that is dealt with.
Okay, done venting. Whew.............I feel a little better.
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Comments
I understand and agree
I understand and agree completely. But of course we already get it!
She just wanted the attention, my Sd did this all the time too, with the same results.
I am so sorry and hope your DH sees the light!
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
Thanks for the support and
Thanks for the support and response.
I just got done making pancakes for SD10 because she woke up STARVING!! go figure :/
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
My Mom never tolerated the
My Mom never tolerated the manipulative crap. If we were too "sick" to eat, we went to bed with nothing. If were were truly sick, then we got the full Mom treatment. Homemade soup, 7-up, thermometers (mouth and posterior depending on age), trips to the Doc, whatever she needed to do for her babies.
But, if we were bullshitting/manipulating WATCH OUR! She would make us rue the day we tried to put one over on her.
Sounds like SD-10 is a master manipulator and FH and the SpermClan (that we is what we call my SS's BioDad's family) are a large group of enablers.
You did the the right things IMHO.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
It is crazy how many parents
It is crazy how many parents let the kids stay up past 10--even on school nights. I work till 10 at night and sometimes I stop by the store for something....there are soooo many children in there shopping with their parents. It is unreal.
We have a 730 bed time for 9 month old and 3 yr old. And 830 bed time for SD10. On the wknds we will let them stay up an hour or so--if they are behaving.
how frustrating for you, I
how frustrating for you, I am so glad BM has the same bedtime for SD that we do.
My favorite is when you cook
My favorite is when you cook food for 7 people and 6 have no problem but the little master who tells his dad this is yucky I don't like it. I have said it or go to bed. I don't recall handing out menus upon entering "my" kitchen or that there's a sign that says "Mom's Bar n Grill". I fixed ham and broccoli quiche one evening he ate it but promptly threw it back up. When I had it for leftovers the next night I asked the "little people (girls only actually BD5 and SD8) if thats what they wanted or something different to feed more people. They opted for the quiche. SS7 screamed that he wanted it as I calmly explained to BF that he was not getting that to eat as he threw it up the night before. I got whitewashed on the deal-I left the room he fed it to him, but I told him I WAS NOT cleaning up the mess later. Lo and behold guess what happened? I didn't clean up the mess either-sucks we SP's aren't EVER allowed to be right. He acts as if it doesn't happen right in front of hima nd/or he doesn't see things they don't happen?!? Needless, to say though my BD15 gets paid to watch his kids in the early a.m. because theres not a daycare open that early they do not eat in my home he doesn't pay that much, doesn't clean the mess or referee so if they spend the night even to keep from disrupting our home at 4a he and his children are to eat and shower before they arrive. I lived with this man for almost 4yrs before moving me and mine out on my own and I like the calm and quiet and peace in my own home of not fighting nor refereeing those who don't want to be managed. I have an 18yr old who does dishes, laundry and can cook. MY own DD15 is somewhat a thorn in my side but being as she is not crazy violent or sneaky I take privileges as I see fit when she will not contribute to our home and shut her down when she feels the need to overrun her siblings or let her be-attitude fly or her grades get slipshod. I am raising no angels but they do NOT get to run people over to suit themselves.
** I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" **
We get that too here at home
We get that too here at home with KittyCat. Everyone is required to do chores, and to do it without complaining. So, I tell KittyCat to take her basket of clothes, fold them and put them in her dresser. EVERY SINGLE TIME - "I have to go bathroom." Then, she will conveniently forget to do her chores. She does the same thing when we come home from the grocery and everyone is required to help carry bags into the house. By the time she's finished, we're finished. Both Truelight and I have caught onto it. If she says that, we tell her no, do your chores first.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
I know you can't tell a
I know you can't tell a person's nature from one story, but from what you said it doesn't sound like she has emotional problems. She sounds like a typical child demanding attention. I am not sure why at 9:30, after her performance DH was upset with you. I guess you were supposed to fall to pieces because SD10 was upset and coddle her until her cravings for attention were sufficiently satisfied. Instead, you had the same expectations for her the rest of society does. You must have forgotten us stepparents are supposed to only be affected in a positive way by our skids behavior. Do you think she was behaving this way because she was jealous it was the birthday girls special day?
Having to do all the work without the emotional reward of being the real mom comes with the territory. This is a sad realization, but if you don't come to terms with it you're going to constantly be in a state of disappointment and drive yourself crazy. Some parents badly need you to have an emotional response for their child, whether it is rational or not. DH didn't want to hear the truth about what you thought of her behavior. He wanted you to feel bad for her just like he did.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
Chai-you are so right!! BF
Chai-you are so right!! BF would "punish" me if I didn't feel sorry or bad for his darling angels. But you see it's kind of hard to when for instance-SS7 is the only one to get up puking say next a.m. and you watch the other 4 kids for signs, but see none. Within the week you find a candybar missing that would have made an adult sick to have eaten the whole thing in one sitting(was very rich) and little master eats it gets sick but rather than dad taking him to the doctor if he's really that ill he coddles him and oh woe is him while everyone else is going about the business of living. He was asked if he had eaten anything that would make him feel bad and he said no. But a couple of hours later the room gets clean and lo and behold-a wrapper. He blamed it on BS18 who he shared the room with. I could never feel bad for his 2 when neither he nor moomoo could be bothered to take them to the doctor for anything and he would not honor my "quarantine" wishes when they came back to us especially my girls with asthma and them carrying germs. BF I think was mostly angry because I could see thru the shams and scams of his beautiful kids and finally disengaged which made him fully responsible for them. After I left he got a big dose of the reality I'd been trying to get him see. I know in hindsight telling him they were playing him like every instrument in the band was not productive but I sure felt better knowing I am raising kids who will be productive members of society.
**I will I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" **
It's funny how kids think of
It's funny how kids think of things to do to get out of chores bathroom, tired, hungry whatever. Even better why they've been taught the way to do something half-ass it and get mad because you make them do it over. I used to work at UPS back in the day and I learned an interesting term: double-handling. Why would you set soemthing down, not where it belongs in the first place just to have to move it to where it goes? I have explained this is the same with chores-why wouldn't you just do it as I expect the first time and you can move on to fun rather than having to do it over and over again?? I do NOT at all have the white-glove test thing going on but you can eat off my floors-except the carpet haha fuzzies-LOL!! Or how about BF who brings mail home and piles it on the table-nifty rule I tried to teach him: stand over the trash can when you open your mail. Weed out the junk-keep the bills-streamline your mess. Oh well, I have 3 kids and trying to raise three more (SS7, SD*, BF39) just isnt what I'm made of i don't guess
**I only have one shot at a truly great life and not one spent waiting for a man to notice me, want me, love me and be true to only me. 2010 is the year of "me" **