Manipulative!
Ok I gotta vent....bad. My SD8 is like the Devil Incarnate. She is so manipulative. Yesterday she jumps on her bed (after DH tells her she can't go to her grandparents)and actually has a freaking temper tantrum! Screaming and crying and mess like that. As always, my DH has to go to work so I'm left to deal. I had to threaten her and take away her Christmas gifts for her to stop. Then all she done was get on the phone when my back was turned and call her Nanny and whisper that I did all these bad things to her and she needed rescued! She's so convincing too. This is nothing new. I'm just so tired of people calling me or coming to my house threatning me over her and her grinning at me while standing beside whoever may come. nobody minds telling me how to raise that brat but they sure don't wanna help. One set of grandparents will only call to get her when they have money cause they say it's the only way she's happy! WTF? There are 4 kids in my house....not just her. I'm not gonna cater to this spoiled brat just because it's how other's deal. They ought to be grateful that I gave my life and career up to raise SD and SS after their BM died, not condemn me every second. Today she wakes up asking DH can she go somewhere. He says no she says "well just wait till you go to work and see what I do to Angel today" She thought that would get her gone. All it got her was confined to her room. Yeah I get that she was taught to hate me while here BM was alive but she's gone now. I'm the only mother figure she's got. But I'm not bowing down to a 8yr old just to get her to quit running her mouth. JUST UGH!!!!!!
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Hang in there and continue
Hang in there and continue to be firm and consistent with the message that her behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!! Hopefully your H is supportive to you in these situations??? Would like to hang my own SD right now... She is 20 but acts like she's 10!!!!! My ulcer is definitely back!!!
Yeah I feel like I'm getting
Yeah I feel like I'm getting an ulcer!~!
Would you and DH be open to
Would you and DH be open to getting her counseling? Losing a parent at such a young age is difficult for any child. Plus, counseling could help her to see that things were not always the way that her mother made them out to be.
When did her mom die?
Her mom died in november of
Her mom died in november of 07. We had been married a year by then. Oh believe me, we have been to counceling. Still go once a week. She just keeps getting worse. It's a waste of time and money in my opinion. Nothing and I mean nothing is helping her change her ways. It's a dead end road.....
StepAngel, I know this is
StepAngel, I know this is difficult, but you have to realize that the kid is 8.... and her mother is dead. I know it's difficult to have empathy for someone that "hates" you, but that child is going through some more trauma than you realize. And whether you want to believe it or not, your perception of her is noticable to her. For all you know, she is feeling exactly what you wrote. You are left to give up your career and take care of her because her mom died. I'm sure she also knows that you feel some anger toward her and she probably does not help at all. But her anger toward you might be all that she has.
If she was "taught to hate you" by BM, before BM died, then that kid has more issues than just 1 year of counseling can possibly fix.
My first thought to you on advice would be to meet with SD's counselor and find out what is going on. And then, I would possibly consider changing her counselor. If she has gone for a full year every week and there is no progress, then she may not be relating to this person at all. It's very important to make sure the counselor is the right one for this particular child.
I am now going to say the words that EVERYONE HATES... And that is..... You are the adult. She is an 8 year old kid traumatized beyond her years. If you have already given up on her.... what does she have left?
** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
The child is 8 years old.
The child is 8 years old. Her mommy is dead and gone...and you're struggling to deal with how she is showing lingering grief. get help for yourself so u can be better equipped for your task as her mother figure. Forgive me for saying but if I were to die...I hope and pray that someone would be a good mommy for my 7 yr old choochoo no matter how badly he was struggling. I shudder to think he could have someone in his life who can't deal with loving him in spite of his difficult grieving process...be the grownup...get help for yourself. Sorry you are having a tough time... "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland
Very well put Crayon, I
Very well put Crayon, I totally agree with you!!
“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”
And where is your center
And where is your center line Crayon? I'm not advocating completely absolving this child of any and all responsibility because her mother is dead. But I am certainly not advocating treating her as the way orphans have been treated for centuries. Seriously.
You can love a child with both a firm hand and an empathetic heart. They are NOT mutually exclusive.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Your son was 16 when his dad
Your son was 16 when his dad died...that's a whole 16 years to develop proper coping skills and ways to express grief,anger and frustration. This child was 6 or 7 when her mother died I think...the coping skills and expression of grief are way different at that age.
Sorry but I have to agree with stick...firm but empathetic is a must.
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland
The first thing my DH did
The first thing my DH did was to tell the SS that "I was nothing to them" step-mother was a title to not freak over. They took that with a lie from the psycho ex and have used it to treat me badly with. How does making a child responsible for the BAD way they deal with emotions and a situation equal Oliver Twist?
My ex was killed two years ago and I don't EVER let my children use it as an excuse. They have tried. My daughter was 2 when we left and she knows it hurts her brother so she reminds him of it when she wants her way and I cracked down HARD!!!! Cruel? Absolutely not. My mother allowed my sister to live in a dream world and be all broke up about a man we didn't even know (she was 12 when my dad killed himself and I was 17 - she was 1 when he left). It was two years ago that she finally broke that illusion by "finding his death certificate". She was hysterical and I couldn't believe that she was so over the edge. I think it is way more healthy when a child isn't allowed to let pain, disappointment, resentment, lies etc teach them it is okay to hurt others.
“Only one thing has to change for us to know happiness in our lives: where we focus our attention.”
This whole line of posting
This whole line of posting has me very down and sad for these children. I could really care less if anyone wants to think I "coddle" a child. But I can tell you that I must be doing something right with SD over here....as I have been the one who has been noted as being the toughest, and the disciplinarian. So I really don't want to hear how I need to toughen up.
THESE ARE CHILDREN FOR F*CK'S SAKE.
I'm not asking you guys to pretend that they don't misbehave. But to disregard the fact that the loss of a parent at that age is enormous pain and adjustment is to forget what you were like as a child yourself.
I agree with BBB. Losing a parent at 16 when you are almost an adult, and I'm sure Crayon's son was very close to adulthood at that point.. and losing a parent at 8 are world's apart.
As far as Trying's sister not adjusting by finding the death certificate, I'd have you try to understand that your sister is NOT you. Therefore, her reactions should not be gauged by your reactions. I just had a friend's father kill himself 2 years ago. That friend is in her 30's and she was devastated. Even though she knew he was addicted to painkillers for a very bad broken back..... she was devastated. The ability to cope comes with age... but the trauma is worse for younger children.
In my opinion...
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***