Thank God
This must have been a late Christmas gift for me because I am so glad I found this site. I have been with my bf for 9 yrs. He broke up with BM because she told him she was unsure whether he was the father of the baby or not while she was pregnant. Fast forward, now SS is 9 yrs old, so he only knows his father to be with me and his BM to be with her latest bf. To be honest, his BM is a great mother to him for the most part, but I don't know why my ss is coming out the way he is. I do not have children of my own and every time I begin speaking to ss about having children, he gets upset and refuses to talk about it. I constantly tell him that the baby will love him the same way his older brother (from his mother) loves him, but he refuses. Okay, I can deal with that. But there are so many other things that get on my nerves about him. For example, when I leave the room for a little while (we have a 1 bdrm), and I come back, he tries to tell me that he is having "father/son" time with his dad, and I am not allowed in, to which I have no idea how to respond. He also gets off on lying about things, like telling his father I speak to other men in the street when I go out and he comes with me. BD knows this is not true, and he tells him so, but then it seems like ss gets upset that dad did not believe him. He also asked me recently how babies were made and since BD wanted me to tell him, I did. idk if I did the right thing, but i told him that when 2 ppl love each other, they have sex, and sometimes a woman gets pregnant. Now, I think he forgot I told him that because he says, "i know how i was made", but with a little smirk, and it gets me angry. He also needs to constantly be entertained while he is with us, so when he gets bored, he calls BM. That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that he'll tell me to be quiet when he calls her on the phone, as if she doesn't know who I am. Also, after he is done speaking with her, he will try to pass the phone to his father, without her asking him to, or ask his father if he wants to speak to her.
I feel guilty sometimes because I try to love him, but I can't. I told bf this once and he got upset with me. I told him that i could not possibly love his son like my own, since i don't even have my own to know what that feeling is like. Whenever bf is not around, ss acts okay with me, but whenever his father is around, it's like a competition for his attention.
Another thing I resent is that whenever ss comes over, the television is automatically his for the entire weekend. It's a lot more than this, but I feel so much better after writing about it and knowing I am not alone.
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Welcome!! I begin speaking
Welcome!!
I begin speaking to ss about having children, he gets upset and refuses to talk about it. I constantly tell him that the baby will love him the same way his older brother (from his mother) loves him, but he refuses
-----------> I wouldn't continue to push the issue onto SS, he'll just become more resistant and resentful towards the idea. I think it's okay to discuss with him the possibility of having a half sibling, and allow him to express whatever feelings he has about it, but the decision is ultimately up to you and BF.
when I leave the room for a little while (we have a 1 bdrm), and I come back, he tries to tell me that he is having "father/son" time with his dad, and I am not allowed in, to which I have no idea how to respond.
-----------> How does your BF respond to this? It appears to me that he is given permission to dictate what goes on in your home.
He also gets off on lying about things, like telling his father I speak to other men in the street when I go out and he comes with me. BD knows this is not true, and he tells him so, but then it seems like ss gets upset that dad did not believe him.
------------> And that would be the last time I took SS with me anywhere alone.
He also asked me recently how babies were made and since BD wanted me to tell him, I did. idk if I did the right thing, but i told him that when 2 ppl love each other, they have sex, and sometimes a woman gets pregnant. Now, I think he forgot I told him that because he says, "i know how i was made", but with a little smirk, and it gets me angry.
----------> If I were in this situation, I would have explained to SS that this is a conversation that he should have with either his Mom or Dad. But in response to his comment, I would have just given him a big huge smile and said "That's wonderful Dear."
He also needs to constantly be entertained while he is with us, so when he gets bored, he calls BM. That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that he'll tell me to be quiet when he calls her on the phone, as if she doesn't know who I am. Also, after he is done speaking with her, he will try to pass the phone to his father, without her asking him to, or ask his father if he wants to speak to her.
-------> We don't allow phone calls just because the children are bored. They can call at designated times, and they can sit in a common area to do so. However, I don't enter that area while they are on the phone, I busy myself with other things. What does BF do when SS hands him the phone?
Another thing I resent is that whenever ss comes over, the television is automatically his for the entire weekend
-------> Schedule a time for T.V for SS. We don't allow the children to sit and watch t.v all the time or anytime they want to. They need to stay active, go outside and play!
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Well stated on every point,
Well stated on every point, middlemom
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
He's testing is boundaries.
He's testing is boundaries. Let him know your boss. When he says you're not allowed because he's having daddy time, just calmly tell him that it is your home too and you can go wherever you want. Just because he is there doesn't mean he gets to control you, the tv, his father, or anything else. SD5 (NIP) is the same way. She wants to throw her weight around. Honestly even if his mom is a good mom, it is possible that because his dad isn't there that she gets more attention and gets to make more adult decisions than he should because she feels bad about that. A lot of people feel guilty that these kids have to live in two homes and actively or passively let them control those two homes. Don't buy into it, especially if he's never known living in one home. And certainly don't be quiet when he calls his mother. Nip does this. If we aren't kissing her butt she calls mommy to have someone tell her how wonderful she is and how life just isn't complete if they weren't paying attention to her. Ignore that, but don't change what you're doing while he is on the phone. I think your bf needs to explain to him that you're there to stay and that he and his mother are both happy with that situation. As for having a baby, that is not his choice. If he doesn't want to talk about it, fine, but let him know it won't change your decision to have one. If he were your kid and you wanted another you wouldn't ask for permission, would you?
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
YES, YES!!! same here.
YES, YES!!! same here.
YES, YES!!! same here.
YES, YES!!! same here.
omg, thank you everyone for
omg, thank you everyone for your response. @ middlemom: I loved all your suggestions, and laughed thinking of the whole "wonderful, dear" idea.
Also, I had originally brought up the idea of a new sibling to ss about twice, and finally, bf told him that it was ultimately our decision to have a baby, to which ss was upset. I was just venting because I know it may not be realistic, but I wanted ss to be happy to possibly have a future baby brother/sister. I have younger half siblings and I never felt that they were taking my place, and I love them to death, but then again i was about 14 when the first was born and in my twenties for the last sibling, who is a year younger than ss. I just sometimes get tired of the competition thing for bf, and even though he has been like that since he was about 2, I thought he would've grown out of it by now. Oh, and when ss hands bf the phone, bf just tells him, "when i want to speak to your mother, i will call her", but I don't understand why ss does that in the first place.
I know that the things he does when he is with us, he does not do to his BM or his stepfather, or at least I don't think so. He also tends to do the whole baby talk when he wants attention, and we have decided to ignore him when he does that. We told him that he does not have to act like a baby to get our attention, but he still continues to engage in baby talk or speak in a baby voice (I want wawa for I want water), even though we have already told him this. And as for ss trying to tell me to stay out of the room, bf just ignores him, and doesn't really say anything (i think it's that whole guilt parent thing I've been reading about on this website), but it still irks me.
Anyway, thanks again, everyone for your support!!