Need Advice!!!!
I'm new to all of this but hopefully I can get some advice. I have been a stepmom now for close to four years and my stepson hates me more than anything in the world. He has told him mom that I hardly feed him and when I do it's my children's leftovers. I have tried everything to try to connect with this kid and I dont know what to do anymore. There was a point where his behavior was affecting my marriage. He would tell his dad (my husband) lies so that we would agrue and he would smile and luv it. As time goes by and he gets older its just getting worse. He is ten years old now and I need advice on what to do. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I would approach DH with the
I would approach DH with the facts, and make it clear you are trying to help not harm and ask DH to get someone for the young man to talk to about his issues. Also, I would stop trying to connect to SS until he does have therapy. You are wasting your time. He has no respect for you and will not respond the way you are hoping.
Inform your DH and then detach until there is something done about the issues by your DH.
I tried and my DH spoke to
I tried and my DH spoke to is ex about it and she is saying that if we bring him to therapy she will bring him back to court and make a big deal about it. I feel so hopeless. My DH is always walking on eggshells with is ex because she is a wreck and anything my SS says she jumps to conclusions. Its tough I always feel like I have to prove that he is making up stories and that Im truly not an evil person. Some of the things my SS says is horrible and I dont want this to effect my marriage more than it has. Its not like my SS wants his parents back together since they been apart since he was one. He also loved my DH previous girlfriend. So he definately just hates me. Should I just ignore him and live my life or walk away I dont want to ruin my DH relationship with his own son.
Speaking of
Speaking of Eggshells....
Pick up this book-
Stop Walking on Eggshells.
It's about dealing with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder, which I am dealing with in SD and her BM. BUT I think it's helpful in many more ways, when you are dealing with any person who has behavioral problems, because it offers really good tools for relating without defending yourself all the time (because that's a no win) and also offers up why people do the "manipulative" things they do, etc.
Another good book relating to kids, is "Stop Negotiating With your Teens" because it also offers tools, and possible reasons for behavior.
Lots of SMs on here also recommend StepMonster, b/c it is helpful in realizing why it's so hard on SMs in blended families. It may help you relay to your H what your feeling in ways he can understand.
And I absolutely agree to stop trying to connect with your SS.
My SD hates me too, but since I've come so far as to truly disengage with her behavior, without disengaging with HER as a person (b/c that's impossible as she is with us all the time) I have seen an incredible improvement as to her relating to me with more respect.
Wow that's a lot of STOPS, isn't it? I would START with the STOPS, then add in a ton of positive actions toward making yourself happy for some balance!
"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen
Oh his behavior still
Oh his behavior still affects it. I have just learned when to bring up current issues and when not to. I try not to take it personal but its getting to the point now where my son is starting to test the waters. Since he sees my SS getting away with being disrespectful and rude he tried the same to which I nipped that in the butt quick. Its tough cuz my SS acts worse when my DH isn't around and my DH always says well when I see him act this way I will take care of it. But when my DH physically doesn't witness it he says that I need to put my foot down and take care of it. To which I respond "yeah so he can go home and tell his BM another horror story" When does it all end? When he is 18?lol
If he keeps doing this stuff
If he keeps doing this stuff behind your husbands back then do not be alone with the child. I know this sounds mean, but, he is your husbands son make him take care of him and you worry about your and your children. Any time he asks for something of you tell him to go to his father. If your husband asks you to watch him tell him no, not until his son learns how to be respectful and quits trying to get you yelled at. And again if sounding like it is mean, if your husband gets upset about it tell him to bad maybe he should have thought about what would happen when he knocked the kids mom up it is not your responsibility to take care of his child. You were being nice and caring and trying to help but this little monster does not deserve the time of day from you, nor do you deserve the stress. So tell your husband enough is enough your disconnected from the kid until he learns how to act with adults.
Who cares what he tells BM?
Who cares what he tells BM? Because it comes out of SS's mouth, and because BM plays into it, does that make it true? If BM calls to fuss about whatever SS told her, explain to her that you guys don't enable or condone lying, so therefor you are done with the conversation, if she has any future concerns please email...and then hang up. (This is a good way to have documentation of SS's lies also)
Secondly, you guys are playing into SS's behavior just as much as BM is by fighting in front of him. If he says something to you two in order to get you two to fight, and then he see's the two of you fighting, his goal is accomplished.....why would he stop if he's getting the results he's looking for? You have to allow him to see that regardless of what he says, it's not going to cause a fight between you and DH. Save it for later. Besides having time to cool off, may give you two the time you need to really think about what SS is saying and whether or not it holds any stock.
Does DH spend any time together with SS alone doing things together? He could be acting out in order to get attention that he's craving from DH.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Rather than struggle with
Rather than struggle with this by yourself, you could benefit from having a counselor sit with you and DH and work out a strategy. Exactly what the pattern is with SS and how you two can respond in a united way. This behind DH's back thing is typical of an abuser. They make sure there are no witnesses so they can deny their behavior. I would make a list of the worst things he has done, what the pattern is, etc. very brief but to the point (no emotion) as a starting point.
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He's playing into BM's
He's playing into BM's wants/needs. He is getting a payoff from her for the negative information...attention, approval, etc. He is also jealous of your relationship with your husband and probably envious of the kids. Even at that age, he knows what he's doing is wrong (barring any psychologic problems), so there's a hole in him he's trying to fill. JUST IN MY EXPERIENCE, the least noxious explanation for these behaviors is envy. I think the first best medicine is everyone sitting in the same room and getting the reality out on the table. It sucks to have to do it, and I don't do it with my SD 17...mainly because I know she would just lie and mouth off making it pointless. But if your situation, I hope, is the less poisonous and nobody is mentally ill, I'd pull the punk card. I'd sit everyone down (in your family) and address all of the issues out loud. He's big enough to know that nothing he's doing is a secret. Just my opinion, of course.
Fuck em...if he wants to be
Fuck em...if he wants to be an ass...let him. do good for yourself and your DH