Therapy is awful!! LONG!

I can't believe that it came down to us seeing a therapist. I spent an hour and half with the therapist last night, doing my session before we do a session together next week. I hate going over my history. It always sucks and you can see her mind turning, because she can't take notes fast enough. Obviously the questions about what therapy I have done and why, leads to long explanations. I have to explain my family and the abuse, I dealt with years ago and then my son's death and then my husband. It is emotionally and physically exhausting. I haven't had to go to a therapist in several years since my guilt over getting engaged surfaced my PTSD over the deaths. A few months ago I saw my therapist again to see if it was me causing all the turmoil with the skids. After an hour he looked at me and said it is not me, it is my DH not being consistent in parenting and blaming me for his kids issues. I felt better but, since DH wouldn't believe that it wasn't me, that proved to be useless.

My fear with this, is that this is just going to make him believe that it is all me, when we get in there and all gloves are off and he hears things about my past. I have tried to explain over the years how I got here with different tendencies. But, if you have not had the loss that I have had, you can not understand.

I have OCD over some things. I like a clean house and no clutter. This is not a problem for me, since I maintain it myself. All I ask from the kids is to put your stuff where it belongs. That seems to cause drama. It shouldn't, I am not asking for much here. My OCD started to get worse after my husband died, my therapist has said it was control issues. I can control my small world this way, when I couldn't control his illnesses. It was never a big issue for me with therapy, I understand it. And actually it is probably milder now than it has ever been. But, my DH uses it as an excuse for the kids. Ignore, JSMOM, she is crazy. My biggest fear as we start this process, is all the things I deal with internally, will surface in therapy with him. Sorry for venting, but I am just emotionally raw after last night. Tried to explain it to him and he just sits there and says nothing. So frustrating.

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Part of therapy is getting

Part of therapy is getting each person to own up to their portion of the problems. That's the icky part. When we first went to therapy I felt like I was being attacked for so many sessions. Then it was DH's turn. Then we had to work through what we were doing to destroy our foundation.

It sucked and it was damn hard. My issues were control and fear of abandonment. I still struggle with it daily.

But it will get better honey. You're feeling raw now but the smoke WILL clear just keep at it with DH. The best part for me was getting DH to "hear" me when I talked about what happened to me and why I'm the way I am...I could see the understanding and patience in his face and he cried bc he finally GOT ME. Good luck my dear...I hope you can get good results with your sessions.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

I have zero interest in

I have zero interest in doing one on one therapy again. Please understand I was fine with my past before we got married. My control issues are what they are. My therapist and even the one last night, have told me that they are not really a big deal. I have given up so much control since moving in with him. The little I have left I am not letting go of. I still have a son 14 that I have to get successfully to adulthood. I need that bit of control to do that. I know that sounds wierd. But, when you have lost one child, you have a responsibility to make sure you do everything right with the surviving child. My control issues have worked well in raising him alone. If DH had his way, I would have no control over anything in this house.