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Starting Therapy

Jsmom's picture

Well today starts therapy for DH and I. I can't believe that it has come to this. We have only been married since June and already need therapy. I am not new to Therapy having done it with issues with my son's death and later my husband's death. I just can't believe I have to start it again. My DH went on Monday for his session. I go today. Then next week we go together. Has anyone else done this and it helped?

All this is truly because of SD13. My son14 and his son11 have had issues, but nothing out of the ordinary. His daughter lies and manipulates at every turn. She only is nice to me, when she wants something.

Yesterday, my husband did at least give me something to gloat about. I will take it where I can get it. BM got married over Thanksgiving and they are having some issues apparently with SD and lying. She apparently lied about having homework on Monday to her new SD. Turns out she had a ton and wasn't doing it until later in the evening. Apparently, yelling and screaming ensued over at BM's. Welcome to my hell. He should have some of the evil step mom crap I have dealt with since last January when we moved in. Her Step Dad tried to help with Homework like my DH does with her and she kept yelling at him and just being a pain in the ass. BM called my DH to complain and let him know that she is grounded from Facebook and other things. She said the her husband was shocked and didn't understand where all this was coming from. At least it isn't just me that she does this too.

I am just really angry today that I have to see a therapist to fix a marriage that should still be in the Honeymoon phase. I just know that this therapist is going to stir up stuff that I dealt with a long time ago. I have had so many losses that therapists love having me on the couch. Between that and an abusive father they eat it up. I suggested therapy when DH suggested a divorce. But, now I don't actually want to do it. I find I am resenting SD so much because this is because of her and her whining and manipulating. The kids don't know we are going this route. DH doesn't think we will need to take SD to therapy with us. Have anyone of you gone this route? I need advice here. We have no other issues besided SD13. Can Therapy really help us, if this is the only problem? It is not like this child is going anywhere. We have her 50/50. It is also not likely that I am going to change my expectations of how a child should act. My son is great and my methods of parenting have worked well with him. Why should I have to do all the changing here. Yes I have pretty much disengaged with her. That actually caused more tension in the house. Any advice here is appreciated.

Comments

Pantera's picture

Haha girlfriend, we are in family counseling and have been married since May. Don't feel bad, we didn't have a "honeymoon phase" either (weird, I just got done saying that on the blog before this). I don't think it would hurt to take SD with you since she is the problem. Maybe family counseling would do you all some good, maybe you could talk and understand why things are the way they are. I have disengaged and just posted earlier that we are having problems with it. The thing is, my ss9 lives with us full time. I can't really give any advice, you just really need to figure out if you want to work things out or not. I actually left DH in September and we decided to try and work things out. The resentment is still there on both ends, but like I said, we are trying to work on it. It is a hard road and I wish you all of the luck in the world. I feel like therapy and disengagement are the last options before the end.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Jsmom's picture

At least I am not the only one in the same boat. I don't believe in divorce and ultimately for me that is not an option. But it feels like if Disengaging with her doesn't work, I am just going to disengage from DH as well. Thanks for the kind thoughts!

Pantera's picture

You definitely aren't alone. I don't believe in divorce either, but you can't live your life that way. You need to be happy. You can't always please others. Good Luck with everything and keep us updated.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

steppinginsf's picture

I'm not sure what "believing in divorce" means. I know that I don't believe in living a very unhappy life that damages all of those who are a part of it and I firmly believe each of us has to own our truth.
That said, I find it a strange thing that you both talk about therapy as some horrible end or rock-bottom place for a relationship and don't "believe in" divorce! Therapy is and can be a powerful tool to understand ourselves, our partners, and change patterns of behavior, reaction, etc. In my mind, therapy is nothing but positive if we come to it with the best of intentions for wanting a better life, rather than wanting to blame, gloat, etc.
I hope that it becomes that tool for both of you. My partner and I have recently started therapy b/c we love each other, we don't like how we've treated each other since deciding to get married, and want to be able to return to the foundation of love and caring that we have. It isn't easy and the blending of our family is often difficulty, but we are invested in each other and our life together.
good luck- and be open when you go to therapy. I that is the most important way to approach it.

Pantera's picture

I guess I feel that therapy is rock bottom because we couldn't work it out on our own. I do think therapy is a good thing, but it was a last resort for us. I will say that therapy will not work unless you are open and honest during the sessions.

I never thought I would ever get a divorce, I guess thats why I say "I don't believe in divorce".

Good Luck to you and your family as well.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Jsmom's picture

Did the therapy last night. Complete disaster for me. What you need to understand is I have seen therapists on and of for the last 19 years. There has been many issues that I have needed to resolve. Each time I went there was an issue. First time, my parents divorce, 2nd time, sons death, 3rd time, husbands death, 4th time, recurrence of PTSD from both deaths and family issues. So yes, I see the benefits of therapy. However, if the therapy focuses on the issue of blending the families, it can work. I don't see that happening with me. Last nights session was by myself and the therapist even suggested that we may not want to live together since we are so far apart in parenting. That was depressing.

As for not believing in Divorce. I don't. My beliefs (catholic) make it very difficult. I always joke with him, that I can do Widow, not divorce. My personal belief is that if you make that an option, it is always there. Would I consider an annulment, yes and all the paperwork with the church that that entails. Do I want to? No!!

Pantera's picture

"Last nights session was by myself and the therapist even suggested that we may not want to live together since we are so far apart in parenting. That was depressing."

That doesn't seem right. Wasn't this your first session? You may want to look into another counseler if thats the case. Im sorry it was a complete disaster.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus