Am I overstepping my boundaries?! Am I overzealous?
I watched some of Dr. Phil yesterday. Although, no two situations are ever EXACTLY the same. I did take to heart the comment that the one SM may be "overstepping her boundaries, and over zealous."
I feel that I am doing the same things with my skids that I did with my kids when they were young. Their BM has no interest in doing the things I do - like being a room mother, planning parties, making Dr. appointments and taking them etc..........
Sometimes there things that I HAVE to do - actually feel FORCED into doing - being BM just doesn't have the inclination or interest. I RESENT that. I raised my children. My youngest is 17 - an honor roll student and all ready checking out some of the best colleges around, so I did something right.
But there is a "catch 22" in this whole scenario. Yes, I am having to step up (or I FEEL like I have to step up) because BM is literally useless. BUT I am the STEPMOM. I will never be the BIOMOM. The skids will never feel/look at me the same way they do their BM. I am afraid I am heading down a road towards heartache. My skids are 8 and 10. They love/adore me NOW, but they're so young. In a few years, it's quite possible that I will become the "dreaded stepmother" in their eyes. I am fairly strict, especially when it comes to school, education, homework, and a good work ethic - and the BM has absolutely no respect for any of these things. If the skids want to stay home from school - that's fine with her, she then gets to stay home from work. If they have a school assignment or studying to do, she KNOWS I will do it with the skids, so she passes the buck on this one EVERY time.
I am thinking that maybe I should take some steps back. The skids are used to the BM not being there for all their functions, they're used to her not being a room mom, or attending/planning parties. These things I COULD give up, but their school work - NEVER. I will be strict about this. Sometimes, I feel that I have to be extra serious about this with the skids because I am battling the "fun" mom who lets them get away with being slackers. I RESENT this.
Gosh, I wish I could have been on DR. Phil yesterday. Of course the BM wouldn't have showed. She'd have been too embarrassed about her lack of regard towards her childrens' welfare. And I doubt seriously that she could have gotten out of bed to make the show!
Okay, that's my rant for now. I don't do this very often, but sometimes I just need the release.
Thanks for your time and have a great day!
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Comments
If you resent it, don't do
If you resent it, don't do it. Or at least scale back. If you want to do it, and BM isn't doing it and doesn't care, then you are not overstepping and you are not being overzealous. If you feel that it's something that must be done and you still resent it, tell your DH to do it. They are his children after all.
Will the kids thank you uprofusely for your involvement or assistance? Probably not, but probably your biokids didn't either. Not at that age at least. I guess what I am saying is that you should do for them the things you want to do for them, because you care about them, not out of any sense of obligation. After all, lots of parents don't attend function or plan school parties. Just because BM isn't doing it, doesn't mean YOU have to do it.
Hope this all made sense, I'm on a coffee high right now and my brain is skipping all over the place!
I disagree......I resent
I disagree......I resent what I have to do sometimes, but I still do it...I agreed to marry a man that I adored, who adored his children and dreamed of a positive "mother" "female" role model for his kids and unfortunately he made a very bad choice in the past......u are doing what u feel is the right thing to do by these kids, because their BM is NOT doing it and because you love yur DH........honestly, the personal life of a SM who has now assumed the role of mother because the BM shirked those responsibilities downright SUCKS sometimes....but I can tell u this....I have been doing it for years....and eventually these kids DO appreciate all the extras u do for them....last mothers day my youngest made me a poster and it said..."the day u married to my Dad..(lol)...I got the Mom I always wanted"....so u see, they know their Mom's aren't doing a good Mom job...and kids, especially young kids WANT a Mom that does all that u do....I for one, applaud that u bust yur ass for those kids,,,,and at the end of the day, when u look in the mirror, u know who u are....u are, imo, doing the right thing for them....a wise old woman once told me, it takes a very special woman to raise and love children who are NOT their's as their own....and now that I am older and living it....I agree 100%....
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
What exactly do you disagree
What exactly do you disagree with? I agree wholeheartedly with your post unless you are suggesting that just because she married a man with children she MUST do all those things, like help with homework, plan parties, etc. - even when she doesn't want to and is feeling resentful of it. I am a custodial stepmom and I do a LOT for my SD. But anything I don't want to do... off the table, her dad did it without me before we were married, he can do it without me now. I'm not talking about little things, I'm talking about planning school parties, being a scout leader, etc. She is not my child and she has two able parents. It's not SMs job to rush in and save a child from their slacker parents.
I think FW's skids WILL appreciate her some day, I'm just suggesting that even our own children don't provide us with instant gratification. I doubt she's doing it for the "glory" of stepmotherhood (because we all know that would be a wasted effort!), but is doing it because she cares about the kids. But when she feels forced to do things that she's resentful of, it will eventually negatively affect her relationship with her husband and with the kids.
No, No,,,I am just saying
No, No,,,I am just saying that even tho I resent it sometimes, I STILLl do it for my kids because this is what THEY deserve out of life....a decent MOM...isn't that what all kids need?......My case is extreme, my kids were starving while BM and the skell of the week were holed up eating, drinking and doing drugs....all kids were failing and getting left back, etc,,,physical, emotional and other types of abuse....she threw my kids in the trash once she found out they weren't worth any $$$ anymore....I picked them out of the trash and will do anything for them....the point I was trying to make is that even tho I feel resentful sometimes for having no life...LOL...I feel very good about myself that I have made a difference in their lives...I will NOT scale back anything that I do because I feel resentful....but that's just me...I believe the universe has put me where I am needed most....it may not be the SM's "job" to save a child from a slacker parent, but I feel it was MY job to do all that I can to at least give these beautiful kids a fighting chance in life....
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
Very well said!...that's
Very well said!...that's what I was trying to say....and also that it is natural to feel resentful at times....man, if anyone thinks for one second that I wouldn't LOVE a break once in a while and would LOVE BM to be a decent enough person to even want visitation with her kids, boy u are wrong.....I miss my carefree lifestyle...and I used to find myself getting resentful ALOT.....but resentful that BM had babies and left that hard work to someone else....besides, I have 100% support from my DH and he tells me every day how much he appreciates all I do for his kids...I think that makes all the difference in the world....no one should be "expected" to do it....the bottom line is, imho, ...if u feel resentful and u don't want to do it, then don't..its true...it is NOT a Sm's "job"...but if u love yur DH and u love those kids...then u just get up every day and keep plugging along knowing in yur heart u are doing the right thing for these kids...
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
I agree with you and LF
I agree with you and LF both. I do a lot for SD that BM doesn't do. BM has told me she doesn't want me to do it because it makes her look like a bad mom. So I guess I'm an overstepper. Oh well. I think that just because she can't go have lunch with SD does not make her a bad mom. But why prevent ME from doing it, know what I mean? But I don't feel like I have to, I just do it because I want to. That is the difference, I think, between being resentful and not.
I know when DH asked me to be SD's scout leader this year, I said no. Should SD be allowed to be in scouts? Yep. But I have two kids of my own and I am BUSY! I simply didn't want to take on any more. Had I agreed, I would have been mighty resentful and that would likely have hurt my relationship with SD and DH. I think when you marry a man with children (especially a custodial dad), you should expect to take on a more motherly role, even more so when BM is worthless. But I just caution anyone to take on so much that it damages their relationships with their husband or skids. The dad can step up and do for those kids anything a SM could do.
BTW - DH is the scout leader this year!
I couldn't have said it any
I couldn't have said it any better, Cru.....yur BM such as mine can NEVER say anyone took her kids away, she threw them away.....had she done her job, they would be with her.......their loss has become a huge blessing in ours :)....
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
That is a perfect summation
That is a perfect summation of something I just went through, Cru.
"Isn't it funny that when the kids are all shining and doing well these BM's take the credit for all of our hard work even to the point of wanting them back just because we did a better job than they did?"
SD struggles in school. A lot. I had been working with her everyday after school, trying to tutor her (for lack of a better word). Then BM threw a fit about me being involved in her education, although she still wanted me to help with homework and such, saying "SD is a bright girl and doesn't need your interference". Apparently she thought I was usurping her mom role. Tough noogies on the homework, then. I told DH I wasn't doing it anymore. In two months she is now failing almost every subject... in the 3rd grade. I was resentful that I was getting chastised for doing what I thought was right, now I feel bad that SD is failing. So I'm back to helping and BM can suck it. So yes, sometimes we do things when we are resentful because it's the right thing to do.
But I still stand by my assertion that it can be detrimental in the long run if SM is harboring a lot of resentment and that there's nothing wrong with scaling back a bit.
Doing all that you're doing
Doing all that you're doing is a lot. Overstepping... I wouldnt say its that UNLESS someone asked you to stop doing it and you continued. But it seems like as it is things are fine. The kids at least semi-appreciate it and yall have a good relationship. IF you enjoy these things keep doing them. But if you resent doing it and really dont want to, then as abalyn suggested, scale back.
I know exactly what you
I know exactly what you mean. The skids live with us, and BM has absolutely nothing to do with the kids. I am the one that gets the kids hair cut, I am the one helping with homework, I am the one making sure they have halloween costumes, and costumes for school projects... I LIKE doing that stuff, I would do the same for my own kids (when I have them). It just gets rough for me because its all our money, its all our time, its making sure the kids have a babysitter if we are not going to be home.... BM on the other hand let her daughter16 miss so much school when she was living with BM that she had to write several appeal letters so that she would get the credits. You will not even believe the reasons for her missing school, one of the reasons was she didn't want to go. And what drives me crazy is that they gave her the credit!!!! I'm not saying that I would want bad things like failing in school for my SD16, but the absences were three pages long. That is ridiculous!!! So yes, I feel the same way. BM gets to be the fun mom, and I get to be the stepmom that gives discipline, does homework, tries to teach manners (which SS11, and SD14 should be well on track with now, if they were taught when they were young). The problem I have is that I do all the grunt work, and I still have to listen to how great BM is. How wonderful she is, how cool she is. And I'm thinking BM did not even get SS11 a birthday present, and could not see the kids on thanksgiving because she did not have enough money... (to hang out at her house?????!!)
It just kills me that my Sks
It just kills me that my Sks hadnt even lived with their mom since they were very young like 3 and 1 and when they did live with her, it was a short while before she tried to sell them. Yet, here I am doing all I can giving up everything my whole life for them, and here they come telling me oh yeah we didnt bother to call you and dad for thanksgiving but we called her, and I just have to sit here and keep loving and keep giving my all day in and day out while she goes on as if she has no children at all. Nice.