Need Advice

Hey all! I’m new so forgive me if my knowledge of the abbreviations is lacking. Lol! First off let me explain my situation. I am not married to BF but we share a home (for 4 years) and a one year old daughter. He has 2 daughters from a previous marriage.

The marriage ended bitterly because she thought he was cheating with me. Needless to say this is not true. We believe she needed a reason to tell her friends and family why her marriage ended in a way that they would believe it was not her fault. She even went as far as emailing his friends from high school to tell them we had an affair.

Anyway, that was 5 years ago and we are still dealing with this woman! Long story short – I have bonded with my SD’s and we have a very loving “mother”/daughter relationship.

BM and I have a long history to say the least. We go back and forth – are we going to be cordial, are we going to fight. The funny part is - we have tried a few times to be cordial but it always ends up in a fight.

Well, I told you all of that (which is just a snippet) to help explain what happened the other night. Here it goes:

I texted BM (which we occasionally do, usually to piss each other off) to tell her the girls were upset she had taken the notes out of their backpacks I had written to them on the first day of school. They didn’t understand why she would do that without asking them and wanted them back in there. Well, I guess that pissed her off so instead of replying to me she replied to BF and instead of her saying – Ooops, tell the girls I’m sorry. I’ll put them back. She said “the girls are not upset, if they are upset (my name) must have upset them”. Keep in mind they are with us during this time (how on earth could she know if they were upset)? So, anyway I responded to her with “Nice try, they are upset you took them out, please leave them in there. Thanks.” So, of course she is always right and can never admit that she did something to upset the girls, she responds with “I’m not talking to you” very adult! I responded with “Oh I see, you can dish it out but you can’t take it? (she has no problem texting me anytime she wants to bitch about whatever) She responds with I’m their mom and so I respond with “I’m their mom too”. Now, here’s where it gets really ugly and where I need some advice. She responds with this: No you aren’t. You’re a woman their dad lives with. You aren’t even a stepmom. OUCH!!!!!

I’ve dedicated my life to these girls for 5 years. They call me mommy! They don’t know life without me (ages 5 1/2 and 6 1/2). How do I respond to such a horrible thing to say to the “woman” that takes care of her children over 50% of the time?

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You're engaging in a battle

You're engaging in a battle where there is no winner. Let DH handle BM, don't text her, don't respond to her texts and there happens to also be a way where you can block texts/calls from her.

___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

I hate to say this to

I hate to say this to another step mom - but you are way overstepping your place as a step mom. Let me say this, you are not their mom. Of course she is pissed. I would be too. You have no place putting notes in their backpacks. That is something a "Mom" does. Not a step-mom. You are not their mom. Unless she dies, she will always be their mom. If she is a bad mom then she is. Nothing you can do to make her a better mom. You need to let her be their mom. You shoud have very limited contact with her. Definitely no texting. You are just adding fuel to her fire. Let your husband have all the contact. I can't even imagine telling our BM that I am their mom. I am not, she gave birth to them. No me. I am just their stepmom when they are here. We have 50/50 custody and I can not imagine overstepping like that. If you posted this same post on ivillage they would have eaten you alive.

I completely agree with

I completely agree with Jsmom.

"I hate to say this to another step mom - but you are way overstepping your place as a step mom. Let me say this, you are not their mom. Of course she is pissed. I would be too." "You need to let her be their mom." ----- indeed.

Step-mom doesn't mean you

Step-mom doesn't mean you don't interact with your Skids. Like I said before, if she were my step-mom, I petition to live with my BM 24/7!!!

well, you said it yourself

well, you said it yourself that most of the time you'll text each other to just piss each other off. sounds like a power struggle. she is jealous of your relationship with her kids and that's all their is to it. i say that's she's just extremely hurt and wanted to take the best stab at you that she could. sometimes we just have to bite our tongues and be the bigger person. i think that maybe when something like that happens again just explain to the girls that it's hard for their mommy to share them. ? i wouldn't be too offend by what she says. sounds like you have a great relationship with the girls and that's awesome (but she hates that)!!

Im a SM & I dont do half of

Im a SM & I dont do half of what you do to take care of your skids. Who care what BM says.If I had a dollar for all the bs...Id be rich!You keep doing the excellent job you are doing & keep your head up.

I agree with Sherry78 and

I agree with Sherry78 and Middlemom. You're not going to win this. She is threatened by you and your playing "mommy". In her "defense", I think a lot of BMs would be offended by your saying that you're Mommy, too. Even if the kids call you mommy, it's probably not a good idea to say that you're mommy, too, like you have the exact same status she does.

Honestly, it's not worth provoking her just to provoke her. I think you can stand up for yourself about the notes, for example. But you should ask yourself whenever you get ready to interact with her: am I standing up for myself, or am I trying to piss her off? If you are trying to piss her off, then you should expect a reaction to try to piss YOU off.

Long term, that's a recipe for disaster. Not worth it, and frankly, the more you do it, the likelier it is that as the kids get older she will try her best to alienate them from you. And you don't want that -- it could permanently damage your relationship with them, and it will hurt them either way.

I suggest stop sending her any sort of messages. Let your BF deal with her. I know that's hard to do, but with the benefit of hindsight and experience, I think it's really the best way.

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

I agree with belle..I've

I agree with belle..I've only experienced being a SM for less than a year, but your situation sounds so similar to mine except there are boys involved not girls. Sometimes silence is golden. And maybed she just wants to get a reaction out of you. What I do when BM and I are texting back and forth (which she thinks is dad), sometimes I just turn it off otherwise it will get no where. When saying that you're their mom, too, that's a very sensitive issue for BM's and I'm not one. My DH said that "mom" is a term the children see and hear as being everything their mom is: bipolar, unable to care for herself, selfish, mean, yelling, rude, suicidal, etc. So it was easy for me to not want to be called "mom." However, in your situation it might be different. And it sure gets complicated when you go to the store or pick up the kids from school or church and they say, "your mom is here!"

She's just trying to piss

She's just trying to piss you off and clearly it worked. You know the truth so who the hell cares about her crappy opinion? You know you ARE a stepmom and a good one at that.

As a person who had to be

As a person who had to be Mom when the real mom needed me to be... for 24 years I disagree with most of you in this dialogue for one reason.
Even though a stepmom is not who gave birth, at times, their love and genunie actions and honor are like a real mom more then the real mom. Case and point, from birth by SD was used by her mom to get what she wanted in life. She got citizenship thru her, she used her at age 3 to manipulate guilt into a 2nd husband marrying her when he knocked her up (pretended to have no income, no support and when he realized her lies, too late... and then had this poor SD of mine be her friend who would go to bars when underage and hang with her and then slep with guys in her college..... the BM is and was a mess but it was still this childs mom. However, every time my BD visited her BD, my husband of 17 years, I was her mom figure. She never ever was allowed to call me mom she said, but once I had a daughter of my own, she called me mom. It meant the world to me as I bandaged her cuts, I slept by her side when she was hospitalized and she wanted me - not her BD not her Paternal Grandmom, but me..

However I disagree with the concept that a SM can not be called or loved like a BM. Screw the BM. Blood does not instantly give anyone the right to play God to their children and use them like pawns to get ahead or married or supported in life. You have children because you are blessed and you should love and treat them honorably. This entitlement of a name and jealousy by BM's is immature. I am sure when it is conveneint she'll want the SM for errands, help or support.

IF you are a good BM your kids will not want to call your ex's new wife mom... But if they do, the BM should get over it.

Thank you all so much for

Thank you all so much for your support. I really needed to hear the positive comments. This woman has beat me down so many times over the years I’m worried that one day she will make up lies about me to the girls just to get them to not love me anymore (just like she did with BF when they split up). I’ve semi come to the realization that she can even find a way to put a negative spin on anything I do. I could take them to the mall and spend $100 on each of them and she would find a way to make it look like I did something wrong.

This is just the woman I am - even with a one year old BD at home my priorities are ALL my children. I’m the best mom they have!

Oh, belleboudeuse, BF tries to talk to her and she still doesn’t listen. We all three agreed that if BM and I had a problem, it would be solved between BM and I….well, that didn’t last did it? Thanks for the advice.

Jsmom: Are you kidding me??? Overstepping my place? Not their mom? No place putting notes in their backpacks? Very limited contact? I’m SOOOO glad you aren’t my step-mom!!!!! You sound like a B*&#!

Just because Jsmom didn't

Just because Jsmom didn't agree with how you were doing things doesn't make her a bitch,ok?

I can totally understand how you feel about these girls but honestly, the mom is causing trouble bc you are threatening what she feels is "her" territory. She is feeling like you're trying to take her place and obviously has had no reassurance at all as to your true intentions with her girls. I'm not telling you it's your responsibility reassure her but I bet it would make life a lot easier if she didn't have to deal with her daughters calling another woman "mommy". I'm a stepmom and I also have a son and i can tell you I'd be devastated if he called a girlfriend/wife of his father's "mommy". I would hate it...

As far as the texting goes, WHY?? It sounds like you're both just playing games with each other and it needs to stop sooner rather than later.

I think it's really great that you're so devoted to your stepdaughters but maybe to help the situation with biomom you could maybe try seeing her side of it. Yeah she's being petty and she's angry but likely because she's afraid of losing her daughters to you...it's a natural fear. Neither woman is the bad guy here I don't think...I think the communication between the two of you sucks and could use some serious improvement. You need to understand how she feels and she needs to understand how you feel. Hopefully both of you can be mature enough to get to a healthy agreement on how these children should be taken care of and what's best for them without laying the blame game on each other constantly.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Ok, just because you don't

Ok, just because you don't like me calling Jsmom a bitch doesn't mean she isn't one.

If BM is unhappy with the girls calling me mommy she should have never allowed them to call her new husband daddy. You reap what you sow! I know I didn't mention that earlier, but I didn't think I needed too.

Texting: I agree, we are playing games and to be honest with you if she didn't text me all the time bitching about things I do, I would have never sent the "note" text. But, I felt she deserved to know how it feels.

As far as seeing her side of it. I can't tell you enough how many times I have reached out to her. I've sent her emails time and time again giving her all the credit and telling her how much the girls love her. She doesn't care. She would do anything to make my life miserable.

The truth is I do more for my SD's than she does. I don't try to dis her for not being a better mommy to them. I just want her to give credit where credit is due. If she is threatened by me - step up!

hmmm...it's not that I don't

hmmm...it's not that I don't like you calling her a bitch it's just that calling names isn't what we're here for...verbally assaulting other members isn't what we're here for.

ok back to the rest...yes you've reached out to her and that's truly admirable but is there a way to dig deeper and figure out exactly why she isn't receptive to you and your words? There has to be a deeper reason other than "she just wants to make my life miserable". There's always something deeper at play with women and I'm sure you know that already.

You say you do more for SD's than she does...maybe she's being the best mommy she knows how to be. Being a good mom is not necessarily a natural thing and not all women were born to be uber moms...maybe she realizes she's not cut out to be supermom and you are so that in itself is threatening to her. And it's not about "if you're threatened then step up" it's about natural mothering,nurturing ability. She maybe thinks she's doing just fine but thinks you're going overboard with the whole mommy thing just to one-up her and show you're better. As far as the girls calling her SO daddy...it's not something I'd be ok with if my son was doing it but why bring that up as a tit for tat sort of thing? "oh they call your SO daddy so they are allowed to call me mommy"

Again, I'm not taking sides here...I'm just trying to give a more broad perspective for you. It feels like you're rather defensive about the whole thing and there really isn't a reason to be...we're all here to give and receive help.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Ok, ok, you're not taking

Ok, ok, you're not taking sides. I have had 5 years of perspective with this woman, I didn't just meet her. If I sound defensive, it's because I am. I don't deserve the crap I receive from BM. You know what you're right about...there should be a deeper reason...I've tried looking for it. I've tried talking to her and nothing. You know what one of her responses to me was when I asked her if we could sit down and talk...I don't really talk a lot, I don't even talk to my family a lot. WOW!!!

no one said you deserve crap

no one said you deserve crap from bm...you have every right in the world to be upset about these things, no one is denying you the right to be upset.

Your last two sentences really say a lot about the 'deeper reason' I'm talking about.
"You know what one of her responses to me was when I asked her if we could sit down and talk...I don't really talk a lot, I don't even talk to my family a lot."

obviously the woman has trouble expressing her feelings and you don't. So she's behaving like a child and acting out her frustrations and insecurities instead of talking about it like an adult. Sounds like she could benefit from therapy but it's not your job to get her to an appointment. If I were you,and this is JUST my opinion, I would try really hard not to rub salt in an obviously screwed up wound BM has created for herself. I would continue being a good stepmom but turn that frustration and anger into empathy. Also, perhaps a little blindness would help when dealing with this woman. Don't react to her anymore,at all. Reacting to her only makes it harder for you and for your stepdaughters. it's a win win really if you just become blind to her petty actions. She gets to vent her frustrations in the only way she's capable of communicating and you get to be the bigger woman by letting it all roll off and letting it go. Your stepdaughters unfortunately will be forced to choose a side one day if the fighting and pettiness continues...it's too much of a risk to their emotional health to continue feuding with biomom.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

But remember, just because

But remember, just because JSMom has a totally different OPINION than yours, doesn't mean she IS one either ok?

Thank you! You are right

Thank you! You are right about saying I'm a mommy too, thinking back I should have said it differently to her, but in my SD's eyes I am their mommy.

Just a quick story...I went to SD's school for lunch the other day and one of her friends asked her who I was. She replied, "that's my mommy". The girl then asked, "well then who was the other lady dropping you off the other day?" To which my SD replied about her own BM, "oh, that was my step-mom."

You see, I don't have to create a bad situation for myself regarding BM she does it all on her own. If I've said it once I've said it a million times...if she doesn't like me "outdoing" her, mom up and create a healthy relationship with your daughters just as I have done.

As far as the text message goes, she wanted to communicate that way...it was her idea. She couldn't respond to me because she upset her own children, again and I finally called her out on it. I was just doing what I was told...hehehehehe!!

I'll have to second what B

I'll have to second what B said. UP, I want you to take a minute and seriously be honest and open with yourself.....think about what would happen if you and BF split up, later he found a new G/F or got married, obviously you would want whoever he was with to be loving and kind to your daughter....but can you kinda understand how it would hurt to know that your daughter was calling another woman Mommy? Can you try to understand how you might feel this woman was trying to take over your role as her Mother?

The best way for a BM/SM role to work is for each person to try to place theirselves in the other one's shoes, and be respectful of that. Even if you're the only one who is doing it, it can do wonders for the blended family.

___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

You nailed it MM! Great

You nailed it MM! Great post!

Look, I'm not trying to

Look, I'm not trying to fight with anyone. The truth is no one knows my situation better than me, BF and BM. That is my fault, I should have done a better job explaining my situation with BM and my SD's. They love me, otherwise they wouldn't call me mommy. I never asked them to, they want to. I love them the same as I love my BD and that will never change. If I were lucky enough to have a woman like me in my BD's life, I would be gracious. I know that is easier said than done, but after what I have gone through with BM I wouldn't want to make my life harder than it has to be. Be grateful for every blessing you have.

I had to dig for this to

I had to dig for this to find it but I wanted to show you some of the insecurities a BM and an SM have towards one another which leads to some of the behavior alot of us are familiar with.

Here it is... Answering some
Submitted by Anon2009 on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 1:50pm.
Here it is...

Answering some of your questions.....
Submitted by BioMom (not verified) on Wed, 10/04/2006 - 5:21pm.
Hi Ladies (Gents as well?)

You are all welcome for me honesty. Hard as it was to write to all of you "steps", the words that were typed were done so with extreme care.

Okay, lets try and follow this...

I am not a "step" mom, only bio. However, I am in a relationship with a man who happens to have ALL of your issues. My ex's actions just aggravate the hell out of him, and then of course we argue. I try not to stick up for my ex, knowing it cannot make my fiancee feel very good.

So in reading your posts, lurking around for a few months before actually responding, I have yet another revelation to share with you....

I have come to the conclusion that all of us are in a situation we would rather not be in. Not saying we do not love our current husband/wife/significant other. However, the frustration that everyone feels when dealing with blended family issues certainly takes its toll on us all.

Someone asked if I feel at least secure, dropping my daughter off with "step" and ex knowing that she is truly loved and cared for unconditionally? In my case, it is my son though....

Well since you approved of my honesty before, I hope you will forgive my next bout of truths regarding my feelings.

My feelings can be summed up as follows on the days I drop my son off with you and my ex:

1. When driving "timmy" over to your house, as I look over at him, I am angry. It's not because he has done "anything" to me. It's that his face if full of anticipation and his voice a little higher than normal. And in my heart, I know it is because he cannot wait til he gets "there".

2. I talk to myself, trying to reassure myself that he loves me too.

3. As I pull up at your house, the beginning of a huge knot begins to form in the pit of my stomach. I want to drive past the house, pull up to an ATM, take out all my $$ and bribe "timmy" to call you guys and tell you that he doesn't want to come this weekend.

4. Reality once again sinks in and all of my fears come rushing back. I see both cars are home. Oh goodie!

5. I pray I am lucky enough that ex will meet son halfway down the walk so that I don't have to talk to him or see you.

6. Knot getting tighter as I beep my horn, hoping someone will at least come to the door to greet my son.

7. Heart begins to sink because I slowly realize that I have to get out of the car and actually walk "timmy" up to your front door.

(You see, I too am insecure. I didn't change out of my "Bart Simpson" pajama pants yet. My hair is in a pile on top of my head, held there with a "scrunchie" from 1986 and not a stitch of makeup on my face. And the terry cloth flourescent slippers are not helping this outfit!)

Note: I am not worrying about my appearance because I care what HE thinks. I dread knowing when you look at me (the mess before you) you must be saying to yourself, "God, he loved THAT???"

8. I am jealous now, as I look around your carefully maintained yard, neatly trimmed trees and perfectly planted flowers lining the walkways.

( You see, I used to have a home also. Okay, I didn't like the ex very much, but man it was hard to give up that house!)

9. Sadly I look in the backyard to see the swingset you have set up for the children you have went on to have together. Oh, I know that "timmy" is granted all the privledges of the other kids, but he doesn't live there.

10. Guilt, why didn't ex and I ever set up a swing set for "timmy"?

11. Relief (just for a second) when I see the front door open.

12. Hate, when I see my ex, happily living his life with you.

13. More hate when you come bounding up behind the ex.

14. EXTREME failure, for not providing what the "two of you" so obviously have.

15. Sadness, mixed with a sense of happiness. Sad that I have just sent my son to you. Happiness that I know, although buried deep in my heart, that you do love him.

16. As I pile my pajama ass back in my car, I am exhausted. I have just felt ALMOST every negative emotion a person can feel. And from my house to yours is only 2 miles!

17. As I pull into my driveway, the anger may arise again. Seeing those half dead petunias I forgot to water is pissing me off.

And finally, as I lay my head down to take a much needed nap, I feel peace. Because I can fall asleep knowing that my son is in good hands today. And those hands belong to you.....

Love,
BioMom

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Submitted by middlemom on Mon, 11/16/2009 - 2:55pm.
This was absolutely wonderful and is the very core reason why I can have empathy for our BM. I am a BM also and can totally relate to these insecurities, and being a SM I can also relate to these insecurities on the opposite end. I think that, maybe not in all situations, but in some, both BM and SM have similiar insecurities and it is those same insecurities that puts a wall between them having an amicable relationship. Instead of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and out of fear of mockery and rejection we cover these insecurities up and they come off as us (BM/SM) being a snoody B who is just out to make the other ones life miserable.

-------------> When awaiting your arrival for "Timmy" to be dropped off at our home, I hope that he is excited to come over so that you might have a chance to see that I'm not an aweful SM.

2. I talk to myself, trying to reassure myself that he loves me too.

------------> I realize that his love for you will never compare to his love for me and I may never be given the credit for loving and caring for this child as if he were my own.

---------------> As you pull up at our home, the beginning of a huge knot begins to form in the pit of my stomach. I hope that he isn't crying and pitching a fit with resistance of coming therefor confirming your beliefs that I'm a W!tch.

4. Reality once again sinks in and all of my fears come rushing back. I see both cars are home. Oh goodie!

----------------> I sometimes wish I were out "grocery shopping" during your arrival so that I don't have to feel this huge knot.

5. I pray I am lucky enough that ex will meet son halfway down the walk so that I don't have to talk to him or see you.

---------------> I pray that "timmy" will come to the door alone so that neither DH or I have to speak or see you.

6. Knot getting tighter as I beep my horn, hoping someone will at least come to the door to greet my son.

---------------> I'm constantly walking past the front door hoping I will notice when you pull up instead of being caught off guard.

7. Heart begins to sink because I slowly realize that I have to get out of the car and actually walk "timmy" up to your front door.

--------------> My heart sinks into my stomach when I realize you are at the front door with "timmy".

--------------> I too am insecure because I fear you looking more put together than I am, maybe DH will look at you and see that you look attractive today, and I could barely find anything to put together to wear, and of course the day you walk to the front door, I'm having an absolutely horrible hair day.

Note: I am not worrying about my appearance because I care what HE thinks. I dread knowing when you look at me (the mess before you) you must be saying to yourself, "God, he loved THAT???"

--------------> I try to avoid eye contact as much as possible, hoping that you don't realize what a mess I look and getting some kind of enjoyment out of it.

8. I am jealous now, as I look around your carefully maintained yard, neatly trimmed trees and perfectly planted flowers lining the walkways.

------------> Surely as perfect as you carry yourself, you look at my yard with such disgust and view that as a reflection of myself.

( You see, I used to have a home also. Okay, I didn't like the ex very much, but man it was hard to give up that house!)

-------------> I am so relieved that you no longer live in the marital home any longer, it was just another link that connected you and DH together that I was jealous and insecure of.

---------------> We built the swingset so that it would give "timmy" and the other children a way to play together to help build their relationship with one another.

10. Guilt, why didn't ex and I ever set up a swing set for "timmy"?

---------------> **Sigh** of relief, atleast this is ONE thing that DH and I have done together as a family that you and DH didn't experience, giving our relationship some sense of it's own identity.

11. Relief (just for a second) when I see the front door open.

12. Hate, when I see my ex, happily living his life with you.

13. More hate when you come bounding up behind the ex.

---------------> I come to the door with DH hoping that you will view me as playing a key role in our family instead of an outsider.

14. EXTREME failure, for not providing what the "two of you" so obviously have.

-------------> I sometimes wonder if DH and I have something more than the two of you had.

15. Sadness, mixed with a sense of happiness. Sad that I have just sent my son to you. Happiness that I know, although buried deep in my heart, that you do love him.

16. As I pile my pajama ass back in my car, I am exhausted. I have just felt ALMOST every negative emotion a person can feel. And from my house to yours is only 2 miles!

--------------> A little energized after the dropoff was over with, relief that the 5 minutes it took to pull in the driveway and drop "timmy" off that felt like an eternity has finally come to an end, and seeing you in your Pj's made me realize you are human.

17. As I pull into my driveway, the anger may arise again. Seeing those half dead petunias I forgot to water is pissing me off.

And finally, as I lay my head down to take a much needed nap, I feel peace. Because I can fall asleep knowing that my son is in good hands today. And those hands belong to you.....

-----------------> Finally, as I lay my head down to go to bed at night, I feel peace. Because I can fall asleep knowing that despite how I perceive your actions, you are a good Mother and the best Mother you know how to be.

Love,
StepMom

Our fears, insecurities, emotions, both parallel each other, yet we don't realize that the other is feeling these insecurities. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we break down those walls that stand so high and strong between BM's and SM's.

Like I said, not saying that this applies to each situation, because I believe both BM's and SM's may deal with crazy opposites.

___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

Damn Middlemom...I wish I

Damn Middlemom...I wish I would have found this! I love it!!! Kudos for diggin honey! Really fantastic blog

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Thanks girl! When I read the

Thanks girl! When I read the perspective from this BM it really touched me, it was putting all fear of rejection aside, letting yourself be completely honest and vulnerable. And so much of it I knew rang true based on what our BM has shared with me in regards to her insecurities.

When we both came together, tore down those walls and explained what the root of the issues really were (our insecurities) it opened a door to a better relationship with one another.
___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

yeah I mean WOW...that whole

yeah I mean WOW...that whole thing just blew me away. Just a perfect blog for the situation.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

I totally get what you are

I totally get what you are trying to say here. Honey, I've tried to reason with her, I'm not a bad person.

Thanks for posting this.

No, you're not a bad person,

No, you're not a bad person, I bet you are a kind, loving, caring person who when reaching out to BM only to get rejected stings down to the core of your heart. And no, you don't deserve to be treated the way you have been, noone does. I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that BM hasn't broken down those walls yet with you, she isn't allowing herself to be vulnerable because of her fears/insecurities.

I'm by no means justifying her actions whatsoever, because I've had some pretty shitty things done to me by the BM in my own situation. What I am saying is that there are no excuses for her behavior, but there are *reasons* for it. You can't control her actions, but you can change your reaction to her, and thinking to yourself "I'm really sorry BM has to react this way, but I finally understand why." makes it a little easier to take the high road....maybe even have a little compassion/sympathy for her.

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“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

I wish I could have some

I wish I could have some sympathy for her, I truly do. I've tried several times to sympathize with her, several. She NEVER responds nicely to me. It truly is sad that she is as insecure as she is. She could stand to learn something from me.

I could only wish that my

I could only wish that my children's stepmom took as much of an interest in them as you do with yours. It would make me happy that someone was looking out for them when I was not able to.

However, if I were the BM in this situation regarding the texts, I would totally ignore you. I would not even grace you with a response to such mind fodder. The texts really have nothing to do with the kids and is only designed to harass the BM. Her response was absolutely dead on. You are NOT the child's mother. It sounds to me that you have a bit of insecurity of your own.

Neither of you can control what the other does in your own homes. If you wish to put notes in the child's backpack, then by all means continue to do so. If the children complain to you that they are not there, tell them to ask their mother about it. Stay out of it.

If she doesn't want you to put them in the backpack, she really can't stop you from doing it. If she tells you to stop, ignore her and do what you want to do. But I wouldn't force a confrontation about it because in the end, you will lose. Kids will always gravitate to their parents even when those parents are the worst parents in the world.

Besides, why on earth would you want to continue your life in a drama? Be happy with your BF and your stepkids. BM really has no imput to your relationship with her Ex or their children. But you could undoubtedly cause a rift if you continue to cause stress for your BF and your stepkids by constantly egging on the BM.

Underpressure... I'm just

Underpressure... I'm just going to say it... I think you were totally wrong to call yourself mom, and especially to do it to their biomom! It's obvious you love the kids and treat them wonderful and that's fantastic! But you are NOT their mom. In my opinion, as long as there is some semblance of a mom in the picture, a step-mom shouldn't be given the "Mom" title. If the BM has dumped the kids and taken off and never sees them and the kids call the SM "Mom" that's one thing, but when there's a BM in the picture, no matter how shitty she may be, she gets the "Mom" title.

Same thing with the "Dad" name too, don't get me wrong, but as someone said above, the tit-for-tat will eventually backfire.

Now, if you want to say I'm a bitch too, that's fine.

First of all, I think your

First of all, I think your name does all the talking! Secondly, I am their mom, in my heart and in my SD's hearts. If you don't want your skids to call you mom, fine or if you don't want your biokids to call their step-mom mom, fine. But you are not going to tell me that I'm not their mom or that they can't call me that.

If you only knew what this woman has done to me and her kids, you wouldn't even agree with what you are saying.

LOL... yes my name says it

LOL... yes my name says it all. It says that I am a great SM doesn't it? In my heart I am 10 times the mom that their BM is. However, I am NOT their mom, just like you probably are the best for the kids, but you are NOT their mom. What you're being told is that attempts to be their mom may come back to bite you one day.

If my child's SM called herself his 'mom' to my face? I would bitch slap her. But that's just me.

...and me. Of course, I'd

...and me. Of course, I'd speak with my child about it first to set him straight in a structured,healthy,non-threatening fashion. Then if I felt she was encouraging him to call her mommy I would speak with her about it and if she continued to encourage it against my respectful wishes...she'd get bitch slapped

I'd take it up with my child first though to see if I'm doing something to cause the problem. The biomom needs to look inside herself and figure out why her children would call her the stepmom while calling the stepmom their biomom. Then she needs to figure out if it's something the stepmom is encouraging or something the girls are doing bc they wish the stepmom was their real mom. Seems like all parties have a lot of growing up to do and it's a long road before they'll get peace.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Dang it BBB, you always say

Dang it BBB, you always say things so much more eloquently than me! I'm too blunt and I need to work on that!

I don't encourage my sd's to

I don't encourage my sd's to call me mom...the thought never even crossed my mind until one day, out of the blue, they started calling me mommy...so I rolled with it. SD's call their step-dad, daddy...she really had no ground to walk on. If she isn't going to stop them from calling SD daddy then how can she stop them from calling me mommy?

The issue here is whether or not I'm their "mom". And the answer is yes. I could go on with a long list of what I do for my SD's to deserve that title and a long list of what BM doesn't do to not deserve that title. Yes, she birthed them...fine, enough with that. But she doesn't take care of them. They are beginning to see that. I can't make them do or say something that makes them uncomfortable.

I'm sorry to say that any

I'm sorry to say that any housekeeper or nanny could do what you're doing.

I am both a SM and a BM and I have to say that I am deeply offended as a BM. It is great that you are so loving and caring to your BF's kids, but it sounds more to me as though you are only doing it to show your BF how much better you are as a mother than the X and really has nothing to do with the kids. It is evident in the way you interfere with the natural mother's place in her children's lives. It seems like this is PAS in reverse.

You are lucky that your BM is not very savvy, because I'll tell you what, if this was going on in my world, you can bet I would put you as the SM in your place. You are truly insignificant in the children's lives. We all are as steps if there is an active parent in the lives of the children. We are only there to assist our husbands and if we wind up falling in love with their children, that is a bonus. But we do not get to make decisions concerning our stepkids.

If I were her, first I would not respond to anything you sent to me but save it to bring it before the judge. I would not respond to any phone calls by you and insist on discussing everything concering the children with their other parent or not at all. I would then file contempt on my ex for allowing his girlfriend to interfer with my maternal relationship with my kids. I would eventually seek to only allow visitation with the kids when you are not present.

You seem to be trying to usurp the x's role in the life of her child. Come on. You're a mother. Can you imagine someone doing that to you with your child?

I have no problem with stepparents that want to be included as long as they are respectful of the biological bond of the true parents. However, in this case, I would have some serious problems. Wow.

I've been ignoring you but I

I've been ignoring you but I just have to say you are unbelievable! I hope your name rings true and you are not a real person, just fake, because the thought of real women actually listening to your advice just runs chills down my spine.

I'm sorry my dear, you asked

I'm sorry my dear, you asked for advice, and you're getting our advice, opinions, etc... If you can't take it, please don't ask for it.

Frankly, as a BM, listening to you brag on yourself runs chills down my spine too.

You remind me a lot of my

You remind me a lot of my sister. She is the sweetest person when everyone agrees with her, but a total demon when someone dares disagree.

I've seen how you respond to people that you don't agree with and that my dear, runs chills down MY spine. I totally feel for your BM.

UP, I'm just trying to throw

UP, I'm just trying to throw some suggestions out to try to help with the situation between you and BM. Have you tried encouraging a relationship between the skids and BM? For example, when the skids refer to you as Mom and BM as SM, why not say something along the lines of "Honey, I just want you to know that I love you very much but your Mother is your Mother, it doesn't mean it takes anything away from our relationship with one another, but I'm sure it would make your Mommy very happy to hear you refer to her as such."

To be honest, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, it sounds like there is alot of "one-up" going on. We can sit here all day long and come up with a long list of things that the other person in the situation should be doing or shouldn't be doing, but we have to start with ourselves and take accountability for our own actions first.

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“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

I agree with the one-upping.

I agree with the one-upping. Yes, we could sit here all day and devise a long list of you should do this and that... And I'm not trying to make myself out as a saint or a perfect person because I am not, but if BM is threatened by my actions she should step up. There isn't any reason she can't. She has tried giving BF and I so many excuses that don't even make sense. The girls are getting older now and sorry to say, realizing what she is doing. She married a man with 3 children and then decided to have another child with him. Fine, but now you can't devote time to your Biokids and they see that. They don't even call her mom at our house, they call her by her name. BF and I have tried talking to them about it and they just don't seem to care. They get more attention and love at our house. I'm not trying to make BM out to be a monster but she has issues with me because I am taking care of her kids...please, somebody has to do it...

Maybe she doesn't have

Maybe she doesn't have issues with her taking care of her kids, maybe she has issues with you seemingly shoving it in her face at every opportunity? Sounds like she bit off more than she can handle in her marriage and having all those children running around...that was a mistake on her part...you don't have more kids if you're not an adequate mother to the children you already have.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

lol...I can't bear to speak

lol...I can't bear to speak TheFrizz's name ever since the whole ,"haha you miscarried" thing. Now I have to refer to her as "your mom" otherwise I feel the vomit rise in my throat upon speaking her name. I'd like to call her several other names but of course that wouldn't be helpful for SD11

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

To me referring to her as

To me referring to her as "Your Mom" just feels much more impersonal to me than referring to her by Name.

Anybody can be "Your Mom"

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“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

Oh I agree totally on

Oh I agree totally on this.... "Your Mom" means nothing to me... I no longer speak BM's name, ever.

Even after having a better

Even after having a better relationship with BM, I still have trouble getting her name to come out of my mouth when speaking to BF about her...it gets stuck, and I finally have to blurt it out, otherwise I just look like I'm choking on something, lol.
With the skids, I say "Your mom".
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“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

lol...i love the nicknames:)

lol...i love the nicknames:) I try SO hard to take the highroad when talking about TheFrizz to DH bc I KNOW he still cares for her wellbeing and I think it makes him look down on me when I use my crude nicknames for her in front of him. I usually just call her "TheHellBitch" when speaking to him about her if I'm particularly angry otherwise she's known as "UberMom" in casual conversation

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

Wow! It sounds like you have

Wow! It sounds like you have a lot of naysayers. I cannot believe that any step-mom would talk to another step-mom in a way you are talking to UP. From what it sounds, she has taken on a major role in her skids lives. Not many SM's can say that. I'm sure most of you would frown on the responsibilities UP has with her SD's. My personal belief is if SM's are doing all the work, they deserve the title. If BM's are going to slack off and let the SM's do all the work, they have no room to complain.

Keep it up honey and don't let your BM get you down!!!!

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If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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