Someone explaine to me why do parents cave? Step and Bio?
My childhood was great. The biggest gift I ever recieved from my family was a scooter that costs $400.00. It was awesome, and I loved it and rode it for many years!
My mom didn't get me braces, she couldn't afford it. I did need them, later on in my adult life I got everything taken care of. She didn't buy me a car, I did that. She didn't pay for my wedding, I did that. She couldn't.............and I knew it. I didn't want her to do anything that would put her out-so to speak.
Why do we, as a collective group of parents, allow our children to feel that all of these things are a given.
1. Braces, unless severly screwed up teeth and MUST have them.
2. Christmas money and huge presents, same for birthdays.
3. Cars.
4. College expenses.
5. Weddings.
6. A new toy for every visit.
7. A whole new wardrobe every beginning of school year, new shoes, new backpacks, etc. I mean I know that's nice but why can't they wear the cloths from last year that still fit?
8. Video games galore, and several diff. consoles.
9. A bedtime of later than 9 pm (guilty myself of this one)
10. The ability to go into the fridge and grab any drink (soda) any time they want without asking.
Honestly, all the things I listed above I have issues with. I mean when did it happen that weather the parents have the money for these things or not they are still "expected" to pay for them, especially when it comes to the step situations.
Juicey and I have discussed this time and time again. He says it like this "Look, when BM and I were married we had the right to choose weather we paid for college, braces, etc. Now that I divorced her I'm legally bound to do it by the court system. If BM decides to do so, and I have no input on this decision by the way, the I MUST pay for these things. But prior to the divorce I had a right to be included in the decision"
It's kindave F'ed up that once divorced parents no longer get the right to be included in the decision. If BM can cough up 25k per year for college we are forced to do the same no matter that we would have to sell our house and both get a extra job to do so.
WTF?
Braces, this one drives me NUTS. Unless your teeth are very jacked, and I mean VERY jacked, it should still be the parent's choice, both parents, to decide if they are capable of paying for those braces. If not then the kid will have to take care of it when they grow up. I know, don't make the kid suffer. I'm talking about a situation where the BM and DH would have never done it in the first place had they still been married, but then the divorce happens and BM knows he can't afford it and makes the decision for them both. That's F'ed up.
The car thing..........who says when you turn 16 you are instantly entitled to a vehicle, at the expense of the dad? Seriously, how did that happen? I bought my first car with my x. My mom didn't get it for me.......did she want to, sure. But she couldn't and I didn't expect her to. Now don't get me wrong...if I were to hit the lotto I would buy all the kids brand new cars! But we don't have the money for it. So why does BM get the privilage of making DH's feel guilty for now paying for a new car that he had no say in?
A new toy all the time, Crayon makes me think of this one. Would the DH buy a new toy every time he went to the store if he wasn't divorced? Or is it sheerly out of feeling guilty for not being there all the time? And what dude can possibly think that is a good thing to do? Hello, you are spoiling these children to the point that they will never make it as an adult without daddy's money.
It just goes on and on. But I don't understand the entitlement. I really don't understand why some DH's allow this to happen at all. As the father they have just as much of a right to make these decisions. But the court takes that from them and tells them that when the BM decides to spend their money they have to abide because it's in the best interest of the kids. What happend to a man being able to choose what's right for his kids?
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Comments
As usual, I agree with what
As usual, I agree with what you said.
I had braces growing up and my SDs have them too. However, they had biting problems prior to getting them, as did I.
My dad and mom always worked together to make decisions for me, even after the divorce. My dad didn't buy me a new toy every time I came to visit. I had plenty of toys over at his place anyway. I got new toys for doing well on report cards, birthdays and Christmas.
As for college, my dad and mom worked that out outside of court and all 3 of us sat down and came up with a payment plan. I paid 1/3, Mom paid 1/3 and Dad paid 1/3. If I didn't do well and goofed off (which I didn't) Dad and Mom would stop paying their parts. They weren't going to pay for me to go to school if I was goofing off.
The same applied to my getting a car. They helped me pay for it but I had to get a job to help pay for it. They told me that if I misbehaved and did poorly in school, the car went goodbye.
So many divorced (and
So many divorced (and married) parents parent out of guilt. I don't agree with it either.
Not all parents are like that though. My fDH isn't. He makes the kids work for what they have. They don't always get new things at the store. He makes them responsible.
So, there are good ones out there.
For the rest of the parents who do this stuff. They are only hurting their kids.
The college and marriage thing I don't get anyway. Ummm...at college, the kid is not under a custody order anymore (generally). I paid for my college with loans, grants, other aid, job, etc.
And who needs a $50,000+ wedding. My step sis got married...spent almost that on it and 2 years later was divorced. I guess all that $$ was worth it for a party. Too many people worry about the wedding and not the marriage. I am planning my wedding/marriage now so that is why this one gets me so much right now.
Christsluv2u, yep my dear
Christsluv2u, yep my dear college is under the dd, in 99% of cases. If the BM has custody it usually states that the CS and responsibility carry on until the child reaches the age of 18, 21 in some cases like my husbands.........and if they go full time to college you not only have to pay for that, but continue the CS until they reach the graduation or the age of 25, like in my husbands. Nice huh?
So if we break that down he still has to pay support until she hits the age of 25 (that's freaking sick), and half of college........though he has no right to decide what college, or if he can even afford to pay for it. If BM can (thank God she couldn't and didn't do this to us) then she can make the ENTIRE decision and the x husband is left to deal with his half, along with CS for a 24 year old.
I just think our whole system with this is JACKED up!
And again, please don't get me wrong. I love to buy things for my kids and if I had enough money I would pay for them all to go to Yale, brand new cars, etc. But I don't think that we should be forced to do so by the Court.
That is insane. I am glad my
That is insane. I am glad my fDH's CO does not mention college. Then again FDH is CP.
Sorry to hear that. I can't believe that support continues. My parents CO officially ended when I was 18. So does my fiance's CO for his kids. They'll continue to live with him until they are on their feet. 2 are already 18, but they pay a small rent to live at home as well as work & go to school.
Jen
My skids aren't like that.
My skids aren't like that. It's how they were raised and I personally could not be with a man that raised kids to be spoiled little brats. I don't agree with it and it would drive me far too crazy to be anywhere near skids like that. It's total b.s. If parents can't afford something and skids haven't earned it then they shouldn't get it. I honestly think that this type of thinking is what has the economy so F-ed up in part. I'm Canadian and we are not in quite as bad a hole as Americans. We have a slightly different attitude towards debt. We don't rack it up to quite the same extent, though we are not guiltless either. If you don't have the cash in the bank, you don't have the money for it and can't buy it. It's as simple as that! A credit card is not your money and shouldn't be used to buy things you can't afford. I hope this economic slump wakes people up and they learn a lesson about money.
I think when parents split
I think when parents split up & CS is ordered, it automatically gives the NCP (normally dad) a different definition of their role - the money.
It's wrong, plain & simple, that other than the agreed regular CS & absolutely necessary medical expenses that one parent has more say than the other in things like college funds, braces, a car etc.
However, when you're cast in the role of 'the money' then kids begin to equate how much you're giving with love - there's a campaigning group here in the UK where many of the members are dads who pay CS, but the BM's refuse to allow them contact. If they stop paying they'll be cast in the role of 'dead beat dad' and it will always be difficult for them to try and build a relationship with their kid, so they keep handing the money over.
As others on here - I was working from the age of 14, got minimum pocket money, never got lavish gifts and paid for myself to get my degree, buy a car etc etc. My parents would have loved to have supported me through college so I didn't have this debt hanging around, but couldn't afford to do so & I never expected it either.
I think there are two
I think there are two extremes:
1. Those who didn't have and want to provide their kids with everything they didn't have, like the car and college tuition and braces and toys.
2. Those whose parents provided them with those things and think that they owe it to their kids to provide those things, so the kids grow up feeling entitled to the car and college tuition, braces, etc.
What's really difficult is when 2 people get married and have kids but they don't agree on this stuff...
And I definitely agree that what's certainly unfair is the Court making these decisions when the parents get divorced!! What happened to parent's rights????!!!
Thankfully, my parents' aim was to raise independent children, which means working toward what you want, though they helped as well. I bought my own car when I started working, I'm still paying off the loan I took to go to university, and we skipped the wedding because we simply didn't have the $$ to spend on making OUR day memorable for everyone else at our expense.
I'm struggling in this "Give me, give me..." materialistic culture where kids feel that they should GET stuff for getting good grades, GET a car when they turn 16, GET a free ride to college, GET someone else to pay for their wedding. Half the time, the kids themselves like to cry about how some friend's parents did it for their kid, but they never come home and tell you about the other parents that didn't, and so parents get suckered into GIVING TO kids to not look bad and keep up with the Jonses. The next half of the time it's the stuff that they watch on TV that gives them this idea that they are entitled such things! Really, have you all seen the crap these kids watch and the values they learn from these shows???
Parents who cave are simply creating problems for themselves and the rest of society!
Now how do I tell that to my DH about my step-kids, huh? I can fight tooth and nail to "deprive" my own kids because it's in their best interest, but with regard to step-kids, I still have to figure out how to nicely break the "Not with my money!" to him when they want braces and cars and weddings and BM thinks DH should pay because he is the "bank" and her kids are entitled.
My DH and I discuss your
My DH and I discuss your point about college regularly. When BM went for CS for SD16, she included that DH would have to pay for half of her college. The judge cut it down to a third, but still...
What if DH loses his job? What if we just don't Believe in shelling out for college? Originally his plan was to make SD16 pay for it up front, then reimburse her based on her grades. But now it is that he's REQUIRED to pay for one-third of all costs. And our BDs may not get ANY money for college, as long as we stay married? I don't get it!