I just wanted to pop by and give you all an update as to how I was doing. You all have given me many keystrokes of help and understanding into the female mind and I appreciate it. I wanted to first say THANK YOU!! Then I wanted to personally thank whomever suggested that if my SO at the time didn't have anything to hide then she wouldn't have accused me of going through her phone because I feel now you were spot on.
She, without any rhyme or reason grew more and more distant to my every plea to work things out and seemed as though she didn't wish to even try. I see a mountain and I must climb it so I tried harder. After mentioning about a truck parked in a vacant townhouse driveway across the street she showed her cards without saying a word. A restraining order was sought after and although I wanted to fight her TOTAL disregard for the truth in said document, I couldn't, her attorney blackmailed me into not contesting it or she would extend the distance and I would have been forced to move. She lives up the street for all who are new to this. Upon the receipt of the order, (even though I had given her about $150. to keep my phone on in our joint account, she loses my number forever with no notice), I was left out in the cold to pick up the pieces and $150. lighter in the wallet.
See, I believe there was a bit more to her dinners with her ex-boyfriend, (some drummer or drum tech for Sugarland), than she was letting on. I trusted her on these random trips to meet him and never questioned her or her motives. My friends think she saw me as just an extra wallet and I believe it devolved into me becoming just a convenient penis and a tongue.
I miss the dog I bought her for Christmas, I miss the boys, and in a weird kind of way I miss the old her most. I am tortured by her every drive by, walk dog by, and random men in vehicles staring me down as they pass.
I am left to observe, and although I try so damn hard not to, it is in my nature, (it served me well in the Infantry). The boys she couldn't abandon for one second to spend time with me are home alone for X amount of time as she follows some truck out of the neighborhood, the dog is getting walked at 4AM, (which is MY schedule, I work nights), which is REALLY out of the norm as she is a school teacher.
I keep telling myself that I do not care, I keep thinking of her at her ugliest in both behavior and looks, I keep resolute in the fact that I remain strong even with this woman possessing so much power over my liberty. But, alas, I feel weak. I miss my life together as a family, I want to know how the boys are, and dammit, I want to pet a slobbery dog SO badly!!
I tried meeting a woman last week and as much as I didn't want for my ex-SO to come up, she did. Totally not my fault but I am not ready to move on. When do I get what I want?? When do I get to heal properly?? When do I drive into my neighborhood and not stumble over 10,000 memories that drive me mad?? I feel as though there is a huge part of me missing and it just so happens to be up the street.

Again I thank you for your time dedicated to reading the ramblings of this hopeLESS romantic. I wish you all well with your endeavors and any responses would just show you have angel wings under your blouses. Thank you for your time and love!

Kevin The Man