Things are just getting worse...
I don't know what to do. I want to stick to my guns, but the love I have for my FH makes me compromise what I believe in. It is so hard. I can't stop crying about it. I feel like my FH is getting fed up with me and he keeps saying that I'm going to leave him. I don't want to leave him. I love him more than anything in this world. We just can't figure this out. It is scaring me to death. I have a constant knot in my stomach on top of that, I have school to think about, my work. I don't want to do anything but watch movies and sleep, anything but live in my reality, my reality is a nightmare.
My FH tells me he loves me and that I am his world, he treats me with nothing but respect, he just wants me to let things go, but inorder to do that it means that I would not have to care. It is very hard for me not to care then when I do, its wrong too. I can't seem to do anything right. I hear what everyone tells me (including this blog) but no one here agrees with anything I say. FH tells me that I am always right and can't be wrong, he tells me that he's in the middle and has it worse than I do, I believe that but I also believe that he can put a stop to this. Maybe he really can't, maybe he really doesn't know how to fix this.Maybe we should just let SS14 rule the roost and wait another 4 years until he truns 18 and leaves the house. I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that this is my life, I chose it, I love my FH and I will do anything for him. I promised him that I would never let anything get in the way of our love and I have. I feel like a failure to my relationship.
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Because it causes problems
Because it causes problems with my FH. I've been disengaged for two weeks now and it just created a whole other problem I didn't have with my FH.
Yes I tried this a couple
Yes I tried this a couple of years ago...it made things worse for us too. I know it works for some but not I....
I would just ask that you really let yourself see that this will not change....even if you work through the 4 yrs till he is 18 you will deal with him forever.
There are b-days, holidays, marriages, grandkids, etc....
IMO you have to find a way to deal with it as it is BEFORE marriage. If you can't then please do not get married it will just make things worse for you, and harder to leave.
I've completely disengaged.
I've completely disengaged. I love my DH to death! But I love my sanity more. When sd comes over, my kids and I find things to do that do not involve my dh and sd. It's tearing my dh apart, but I know deep inside, he knows it's for the best. I thought there was something he could do to "fix" things too, and I still believe that he can, but he feel so guilty about things that he'd rather be disneyland dad. So I figure another little bit of my disengaging, and he'll come to his sences. If not...I'll continue to disengage if that's what it takes for us to be together.
Honey, everything I'm going
Honey, everything I'm going to write is my opinion from my own experience, ok? Don't get offended.
If all you can do is watch movies and sleep..well, that's a bright red flag of depression. That means that you are not in a mentally healthy position to make any serious life changes right now. You need to find a good therapist, get back on your feet, and then figure out what to do.
Tell your FH that you need his help. If he will not listen and help you, then you know where you stand in the grand scheme of things with him. You may, after you feel better, need to make some hard choices about where you want to be in your life and who you want to spend that time with.
I was in a relationship very similar to yours in the past. I ended up almost having a nervous breakdown by the end of it, and even though I left, it took me quite awhile to recover. People don't seem to understand what these types of relationships do to you....they are heart wrenching and mentally draining. It's very difficult because the person that you are with is caring, everyone loves them, they are not abusive, you know they care...yet you are miserable...and you place the blame all on yourself (making the situation and your feelings even worse).
The person you are with may be a great person but if you are feeling the way you are, there is something wrong. As human beings, we are not meant to just ignore our feelings. They are there for a reason, and you can't feel ashamed of those feelings either. They are there to help and protect us. You are not listening to yourself, therefore you are starting to become physically ill. That's a problem.
I think you need to worry about yourself before you worry about FH and his kid. Your life is not manageable right now, you need help.
No one is going to take care of you but you. It is not your FH's job to make you happy. You have to do that on your own. How long do you seriously expect to live like this? For the rest of your life? No one else is going to change obviously....so that leaves you.
I have been there, trust me. Your FH may be wonderful, but that doesn't mean he's the one you are supposed to be with. If nothing is going right in your life, I think that's life slapping you in the face and telling you that you are on the wrong path.
Just my opinion, obviously.
"To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there." ~Barbara Bush
Thank you for your opinion.
Thank you for your opinion. Everything you say is true and I agree. My FH means the world to me. I do feel like I'm on the brink of a nervouse breakdown. I know I'm depressed. There has to be a better way to deal with this.
My FH defends me, supports me when it comes to SS14, but when I don't feel I can handle him and want to disengage, a whole other problem arrises. I've been pushing therapy, but we can't afford it right now. I'm a fulltime student, work fulltime and don't make enough money to see a therapist. My mother tells me to hang on the God and that's the only hope I have right now.
I would check with your
I would check with your school to see if they give free counseling (they usually offer it to students), or even check with your local church (I don't know about your religious beliefs)...those are two places that can provide you with someone to talk too for free.
Otherwise, call your local Social Services office, they provide therapy based on your income. Not many people can afford the $170.00 or more that psychiatrists charge. It's a little ridiculous.
Please take care of yourself. More people love and care about you than you realize.....
"To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there." ~Barbara Bush
If you are a student at an
If you are a student at an accredited university, then you definitely have access to free or almost free counseling. My mom is a counselor and an ex university teacher and has taught at community colleges and universities. All have always offered free counseling to their students and as someone who taught for over fifteen years in the college system and is now a counselor herself, she assures me that any student has access to free or extremely inexpensive counseling.
Other than that, I agree with PntButta, there are lots of resources out there for you and I know that it can be almost impossible to get the help yourself when you are depressed and don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, but there is a lot of free help and support out there and a lot of people who will support you. If you are too depressed to seek the resources, can DH help you? H once made a counseling appt for me because I was too depressed to deal with it and couldn't get the energy up to even find a counselor, let alone schedule an appointment and he took care of all the details for me and it gave me that little kick start of help I really needed and the counseling was invaluable and has helped tons.
You will get through this and definitely make yourself the first priority. No matter how self-sacrificing you are or how much you want to put H or your skid first, you can't help anybody else if you are too depressed to take care of yourself. There is a famous saying called, "happy wife, happy life" and even though it's a little sexist, it's very true. The lady at the top of the pile needs to be happy, contented and secure in order to take care of anyone else properly. Take care of yourself and let DH help! Good luck!
"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32
Sounds like it is time for a
Sounds like it is time for a Come To Jesus clarity session with your FH.
From what you indicated it does not sound to me that he is interested in an equity partnership in his relationship with you.
My Wife and I struggled a bit with similar issues early in our marriage. What we finally realized is that for our marriage to be successful and for each of us to get out of it what we expected, wanted and needed we had to be equity partners in all areas of our life together including parenting decisions and responsibilities for our Son (My SS). If we had not come to this realization early we would not have stayed married to make our recent 15yr anniversary.
If all your relationship with FH has at its center is YOUR undying commitment, love and devotion for your FH then you do not have an equity position in the relationship. If he is not equally commited to you with his undying commitment, love and devotion for you then he is in control and you are fundimentally just going along for the ride.
The marriage has to be the center of the Blended family and the marriage is between the adults in the family. The kids (Bio/Step/Adopted/etc...) are beneficiaries of the core marital/adult relationship but they are not equity partners. They are not partners at all in the marriage.
So, if your FH is allowing the parenting of his children to interfere in his relationship with you .......
It is time for you to give him clarity on what he will do to meet your expectations and requirements in the marriage.
See the StepParents bill of rights for a good starting point on what IHMO you should expect from your spouse in a blended family situation.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
I really appreciate the
I really appreciate the support this blog has for me and I thank God for letting find it. I realize that my situation needs professional help and with out it my FH and I are not going to make it. I will look into the free help through school and I already intended on going to church tomorrow and to continue going. There is no doubt in my mind that I need help. My ID "hopeful_sm" says that I am hopeful and I am. All I want to be is happy and I thrive on making the people I love happy because it makes me happy, but there is a time when the gas in the car is on E for empty and that is how I feel, I've run out of gas and the next gas station is miles away and I have to hike in 100 degree weather to get there and bring it back to my car. People may ask, why didn't you fill up when you saw the gas station? (meaning why didn't you get help when it first started getting bad?) and I just thought I had it under control.
Anyway, enough with the analogies. I'm just screwed and all I have is God to look up to. It's unfortunate that I have to look now, when I should've never looked away in the first place. I feel guilty and selfish, but He's all I have now.
On Monday I have an interview for a teaching position that will make a big difference in my (our) financial situation (which is another issue for us, since I've been in school) and I have to build the confidence and optimism I usually have and for some reason (hhhmmmm? I wonder why?) I have none these days. Thank you to all again for your support and wonderful and encouraging advise.