Who is actually concerned with your DH's feelings?
I ask this because another blog got me to thinking about it.
So many times I read on here that BM's are telling their x's how much they still love them, how they want their family back etc.
Then I read how awful Skids treat their fathers.
It makes me wonder.......and it looks like the DH is getting the short end of the stick here.
I like to think that my DH is married to me because he loves me. He thinks the sun and moon rise and set in my eyes. He is happiest when him and I are joined at the hip. He actually comes to my job every single day to eat lunch with me.......and I love it!
BM thinks she loves him so much, but if she does love him half of what she says then why does she try to come between him and his happiness? And I udnerstand why she does in my case, I mean for alot of you guys, ask yourselves the same question and tell me the answer!
And for the stepkids, most of the ones I read about try to hold their love over their fathers head. My SD used to do this all the time........she would relish in the thought of him fighting with me. She would want it to be me vs her all the time. But didn't she see how much he loves me? Does she want him to be unhappy?
Alot of you deal with wreched IL's. Do they not care about their own kids happiness? More concerned with BM and her happiness?
In your relationship, who is the most concerned with your DH, SO, etc?
In mine, hands down it's me. I let so many things go over the years just for his peace of mind. Sometimes I just don't even fuss about things that would send him into orbit if the situation was reversed......why? Because this man has a x wife from hell, and two daughters that all demand what they want when they want it. I think his head would explode if he didn't have some sort of peace from me.
Don't get me wrong, SMJ comes out blazing when need be. But small things, for him.....I let it ride.
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I can honestly say my
I can honestly say my husband is the whipping boy,people pleaser. No one ever cared about his needs,desires,fears,hopes,etc before me. Even his ex has admitted this much.
I realized I had to stop mommying him about everything, stop riding his ass about his kid,his ex,his mother because I was making us both miserable...he wasn't happy and it's my job to help him be happy. Obviously each person is responsible for their own happiness but as a wife it's my job to make sure I do my part to make his life good and peaceful.
That's why I'm here. To keep the peace in my home and prevent my husband from his previous anxiety ridden habit of gagging every morning from stress and panic. I blast out my anger,frustration here...and speak calmly,wisely with the love of my life.
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
aaaaah, reading this
aaaaah, reading this convinces me completely of your total & utter love for your DH. What you describe there is how it's supposed to be - when we love someone completely we put their needs before ours, but it works because they want to do the same for us.
Real love doesn't mean playing games, or blackmailing someone into doing what you want to do. Hopefully his kids will grow out of it, but BM won't!
Well said BBB and Storm...
Well said BBB and Storm...
My skids' BM doesn't have
My skids' BM doesn't have the capability to worry about someone else's happiness, she's too busy fulfilling her own needs. Some people also just demand attention. BM will stop at nothing to get it.
So it's just easier to pay attention to her... it just gets screwed up because DH really can't split himself the way he does. He's as a constant trying to keep everyone happy and feels like a failure when he can't achieve the impossible. I care about his feelings, I just can't sacrfice my own to allow him to continue on the way he does.
I'm glad that you have found what works for you SMJ.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Thanks CG. I found something
Thanks CG.
I found something that helps me deal with the step family drama alot. When I start to get pissy over something I'll ask myself.......if something were to happen to DH tomorrow would I regret having this argument? If the answer is yes, and to be honest 99% of the time it is, then I don't even engage. (Well, sometimes I can't help myself)!! LOL!
A peaceful life is my goal, and I'm determined to obtain it.....with DH in tow!
That's a good mantra. I tend
That's a good mantra. I tend to fester though if I don't address something that is bothering me. I'm not good at letting go.
I know part of my problem is my own insecurities with certain things. I suck at compartmentalizing and accepting that it's not all entertwined. I take it all very personally and am trying my damndest to recondition this in myself.
I also suck at relaying my own wants and desires and then blame him for not paying attention to me because he's busy elsewhere... but then I never asked him to so he's standing there dumbfounded as to why I'm carrying on the way I do.
...and welcome to my little dysfunctional dance.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I have magnet on my fridge
I have magnet on my fridge that says something very similar to help me remember this:
Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were
going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care,
kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it
with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be
the same again.
I must say though, it's much easier said than done.
Pulled in 10 different
Pulled in 10 different directions....I started having more empathy for my DH when I began picturing him as a little green gumby man being stretched by screeching women...
~Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much~ Oscar Wilde
That's funny. "For every
That's funny.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
That IS funny.
That IS funny.
I think I am the one most
I think I am the one most concerned with his feelings. I remember when BM tried the "I want you back" song and dance, in the beginning of our relationship. I saw right thru it and knew it was only because I was there.
I worry about him ALL THE TIME. Because I know he is constantly worrying about others and will often neglect himself.
I agree with BBB, while you are responsible for your own happiness, it helps to have someone there who is in your corner. I try not to question when he wants to help someone out. I know he has a good heart and enjoys doing things for others. I just don't want him to burn out in the process.
Giana, it is so wonderful to
Giana, it is so wonderful to have someone in your corner isn't it?
This makes me want to post another blog about how great he is! But he is always in my corner. He has been through the best and worst of times with me but no matter what that man is right there for me. No matter how low I may feel, he'll bring me right back up. He won't have his wife feeling lousy, he just won't have it! He is great and I love him to peices. I am in his corner because he is in mine.
I don't worry as much about
I don't worry as much about DH's "feelings" as I do about his division of loyalty.
I love DH, he knows that, I've put up with 8+ (11 if you count the three years we dated) of crap from SD16 and BM. I've given him two beautiful children. I'm there for him through the good and bad. And yet he's still "torn" between his loyalty to SD16 and his commitment to me and our two BDs (ages 6 and 3). And I don't get it.
I "get" that he loves SD16 and wants what's best for her, and I've been right there beside him to ensure that happens. But he lets her kick him when he's down, treat him like crap, and demand everything under the sun. And NO repercussions for her behavior. If one of our BDs is disrespectful or rude to DH, I nip that right in the bud. I call them out right in front of him. But he will NEVER do that with SD16.
So why is he torn? Why can't he see that there's only so much he can do for SD16 and that his other two BDs need him to step up and be involved in their lives? It's like he was SO involved in SD16's life that it burnt him out to put himself out like that again, emotionally.
I do try to shield DH as much as possible from the bumps and bruises of being married to a woman who is not the mother of one of his children. When I can, I let things go. But sometimes I just can't, and I guess that's part of being an independent adult and making the decision to have sex with BM in the first place!
SMJ, I do admire your resolve to make things easier for your DH. It's just so HARD to do sometimes!
Elizabeth it is hard to do
Elizabeth it is hard to do sometimes! That I fully agree with.
I feel bad for your DH. It's like he just accepts any crappy treatment they dish out to him just so he won't "lose" his other daughter. I'm sure he feels like if he says one thing to her about anything her and her mother will gang up and make his life hell! Poor guy..........but if that's how his daugther is then it's about time she take that on herself, instead of him continuing to take everything on himself.
I am concerned for how my DH
I am concerned for how my DH feels all the time. I think thats another reason I depise BM b/c when they first split and we got together, she would repeatedly tell him he was a horrible father (when he's not) and I think he started to beleive it. My MIL & FIL havent really been concerned with how DH feels about anything. He has a heart condition and they havent even really been there for all his procedures. SIL was still friends with BM before I told her how DH and I felt about it, but UM DUH! And BIL is def concerned with DH, he'd be second in line after me!
SMJ - your comment "When I
SMJ - your comment "When I start to get pissy over something I'll ask myself.......if something were to happen to DH tomorrow would I regret having this argument? If the answer is yes, and to be honest 99% of the time it is, then I don't even engage." is very helpful - I am going to start putting this into action myself.
Good question and the answer
Good question and the answer is ME. His family and BM and kids are all self-centered. They "love" him for what he did for them. They have not reciprocated and the way they acted when we got married--I said to one of his sisters, you call this love? They say it all the time but they never made any effort and they stressed him out with their BS. The kids are pretty selfish, too, Daddy was the money tree and the fix-it guy. Do something nice for him, ha. Oh, and speaking of medical conditions, poor DH's back was acting up because of them. But they kept piling it on.