To call or not to call......
Since we have blended families the sks have on occasion asked to call BM. I noticed that it would be after a long stretch away, particularly in down times. We have never restricted this, ever. We never wanted them to feel it's an "us against her" situation. We have pretty good communication with BM. So since the schedule change (see previous blog for details) we have noticed that the kids are asking to call more and we have been allowing it. So last night, sd5, was being disciplined about something (I forget, nothing big, not a severe punishment, just a talking to by DH) and after all was said and done she started to cry and said "I miss mommy". I wasn't around for this, so the ball was in DH's court as to what to do. He just kept on going not offering to let her call BM. So my question for you guys is, should I encourage DH to allow her to call? When we discussed it he said she only wanted to call because she was in trouble, and that he didn't want BM to comfort or undermined what he was trying to do. I completely understand that, but as a BM myself, I struggle with restricting access to her in any way.
- TryingToParent's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Did she ask to call BM or
Did she ask to call BM or did DH just not offer to let her?
If he just didn't offer then I would have done the same and not called her.
If she asked to call, that's a tough one. He might tell her that mommy can't get her out of trouble with daddy. But when she calms down, she can call. Then give it a half hour or so and let her call.
I don't feel that telephone
I don't feel that telephone calls should be restriced, but I do have to agree with your DH on the calling after getting in trouble. A child who is 5 understands and knows they can use the other parent as a crutch if they get their way more there or vice versa. My BS tried that about 2 years ago. But his dad and I are on the same page. I picked him up on Sunday after his weekend visit with his dad. BS was very tired from the weekend, night fishing or something like that... Anyway, BS smarted off when we walked in the door and I lit into him. BS is not going to disrespect me. Well BS's response was "I want to live with my dad". I said fine, call him. So, BS called his dad and guess what.... His dad said well you shouldn't talk to your mother that way and no I am not coming to get you. BS changed his tune and went to sleep the next morning he apologized. I don't expect BS to aplogize to me at all, but he did, so things were fine. Now if your BM is on the same page as DH then let the SD call, as long as you know she will back DH. If not then give it a little while or let SD call the next evening. I know everyone doesn't have a civil relationship, but if you can communicate with BM then you could possibly work it all out where everyone understands one another.
I don't know your BM's
I don't know your BM's personality or how she handles things, but would BM undermine your DH if your SD had called?
It's great that you guys allow access for phone convos, but to maintain some kind of structure in our home, we have certain times where using the phone, no matter who it is, is unacceptable. For example, after 9pm on the weekends, during dinner, during punishment, when they are outside playing, or when we are doing something together as a family.
___________________________________________________________________________
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”
She didn't ask to call. In
She didn't ask to call. In the past whenever she has said that she misses mommy, I actually call and hand her the phone. To be honest, I'm not sure what BM would have done. As I said in my previous blog, she has no rules or structure in her home. But she is aware that our home is different and does pay lipservice to the importance of discipline. I guess it's another thing to add to list of discussion topics with BM (along with thumb sucking, cryging for no reason, giving into temper tantrums, guilt parenting, food choices and a million other things that come up daily!).
My daughter (4) always wants
My daughter (4) always wants to call me when she is with her dad. I'm talking every hour or so. At first her dad was allowing it, but it seemed to upset her more than anything. Mind you, she has only been visiting him EOW for 6 months, but we want her to adjust to it and blowing up my phone (although I don't mind at all
I miss her too!) is not going to help her.
No, they NEVER call us. I
No, they NEVER call us. I have always found that very odd considering before the divorec DH was a SAHD and she worked until eight every night, so HE raised them. And yes, whenever they call, it's "oh, mommy misses you", and "oh we're going to have soooo much fun this weekend" (her weekends are filled with six flags, football games, trips to the zoo, everything BUT sitting down with the kids!).
I swear Crayon and I have
I swear Crayon and I have the same BM.....if the skids aren't calling Dad when they are with the BM, unless of course they need $$$ for something,...then u know damn well she is not encouraging it....I would not encourage then calling her either....the sooner u let her know she's not gonna get away with that crap, the better off yu'll be,,,,
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
I agree with your H. There
I agree with your H. There is a time to call and a time not to call and its not in the middle of a conversation and crying jag. Why get Bm involved when you know she is going to bitch out your H for making precious cry.