SD asking me really TOUGH questions... BM pisses me off yet again. Long vent.
SD had another counseling session with her mom on Sept 14th. It was after the whole stupid "Hope Floats" weekend. I was pretty discouraged after that session and the past 12 days I have been struggling with pretty much everything!!
Anyway, In the last session with BM, SD and counselor, BM was saying things to her SD like, "When you hurt I hurt 10000 times worse!! When you are sad, I am sad!" To which SD replied "Well, mom I was suicidal last year! If you really felt 10000 times worse than me, you'd be dead by now!" BM did not stop what she was saying, she just kept on with how much worse she feels when her daughter is sad. The counselor had to interrupt BM and ask her... "Did you hear what your daughter just said? She said she was depressed and suicidal last year." SD couldn't remember what her mom had said after that, she was too pissed that her mom had to be interrupted to acknowledge her feelings.
SD told her mom in that session that she no longer wanted her mom to "touch" her, or hug her. And BM's response was "That's stupid."
BM went through that session and they talked about the whole "Hope Floats" weekend. And in the counselor's office, BM was saying, "Oh it was a poor choice for a movie, but I didn't mean to hurt her". Blah Blah F*ckin Blah. Well, let's fast forward to yesterday when DH and BM were speaking because SD's 16th birthday is next week! BM gets on the phone and that stupid selfish ignoramus starts DEFENDING again that whole weekend scenario. She kept saying again how SD is too sensitive. UGH. She doesn't get it. She NEVER will. She will never admit to being wrong or making a mistake. Now, mind you, in this conversation, BM was talking to DH about how SD is "her life" and "her light" and she would do anything for her! Oh! And how SD's name is the password to BM's computer because that's how important SD is to her!! (barf) You know how important that kid is to BM? BM was supposed to pick her up at 10:30 tomorrow to take her to Church and then take her for their new visitation day. Of course, she didn't fight not having her this Friday. We think that she had a date. So she was okay with our changing dates to Sunday. So she couldn't pick her up at 10:30... it became that she would pick her up after Church. So I would take SD and then she'd meet us at Church. Okay fine. Well, today she calls and says that she can't pick up her daughter now until 1:00p! And SD has a confirmation Class at 5:45p. So she'll get to see her daughter a whole whopping 4 - 1/2 hours after not seeing her since September 18th!
When BM called today and said she couldn't see her daughter until 1:00pm tomorrow. SD just said "Wow". And she looked like she was going to cry. As much as this kid SAYS that she can't stand her mom, I think it still hurt her that after not seeing her for 9 days, she changed their plans. I get that, even if it is "selfish" on SD's part, if that makes sense.
Anyway, that's how BM pissed me off.
One TOUGH question that SD asked me was "Do you think I was emotionally abused by mom?" Again I became a stutterer ! I said that I don't necessarily think she was emotionally abused by her mom, but I am not qualified to speak on that. And, that I also don't want her to think her feelings are not valid... I have had questions of my own. But since I don't know the answer, and am NOT QUALIFIED or educated to answer, she would have to bring that subject up with her therapist. I did ask her where that came from, and she said she has been thinking about it, and trying to figure it out. (SD is taking Child Psych and Development this year in school.)
The other tough question that SD asked me was "Do you think there's something wrong with my mom? I told her I don't know. I'm trying to figure out why her mom does the things she does, but I did tell her it WAS NOT HER FAULT.
SD's questions, and BM's selfishness and ignorance are part of why I am "walking a tightrope".
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STICK
I'm so sorry to hear that story.
I really do understand how difficult that is and how it can sometimes suck all our energy out!
My SD11 has similar issues with her BM than yours and she has asked me some really though questions too.
I think your responses to your SD are really good and that you are being safe and humble.
For me, when SD asks these questions, I wanna be really sure I say the right thing and support her all that I can...
I mean, SD has heard so much crap and twisted things from her BM through her life that I SO don't want to screw up in my answers and give her bad advice or answers, she's had enough of that already!
But that puts alot of pressure on me and can be stressful....
Do you feel like that too?
Your SD must appreciate you so much and is lucky to have you in her life!
Bless you and take care of yourself through all this
Chaotic
Chaotic!!
After reading your blog , I was like... Wow... You have it so much worse!! I felt so bad for you. I'm sorry you had to go through that traumatic experience. I am sure you must be angry. That woman took away your home security!! Do you still have a restraining order?
But I do think the SD's suffer some of the same trauma, that is definitely true.
Have you talked to your SD's counselor? That is why I am meeting with SD's counselor on Friday. I actually wished I could have met with her before SD did, but she had to reschedule a bunch of our appointments. In any event, I'm just going to confirm that SD asked.
I don't know if your SD does this, but SD over here at the beginning - used her counseling for everything... including her day to day boy and friend stuff. Her mom stuff came out, but sometimes she would ask me something and I'd tell her to talk to her counselor about it. Then after the session, I'd ask... Did you remember to ask about this? And she would forget because she was talking about something else. So now I try to meet or call her counselor pretty frequently to tell her how she is at home.
DH and I feel like we are walking the tightrope. We have been told it's okay and important to validate SD's feelings, but we need to try to do so without "trashing" BM. So we walk that line of saying, Yes honey, you are right to feel bad / angry / etc. and then make no comment or a neutral comment about BM. It's exhausting. I'm guessing you do that all the time as well. I read it on your blog!
I wish you all the best and am sending thoughts, love and prayers your way!!
God Bless You Girl!!
Stay strong!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Stick
So funny, just as i finished my comment to your blog, i went on my blog and read your comment, we were writing to each other at the same time
Listen, don't feel dope, your issues are NOT less than anybody's and what you are doing with your SD is so very important and will affect so much in her present and futur life.
You are doing great and are very strong too!!
My god we seem to have alot in common...
Chaotic
YIKES!
I remember your blog about the Hope Floats issue. The fact that she wouldn't turn the movie off when she saw it was upsetting SD, she said that she was suicidal last year and BM had to be interrupted to acknowledge her daughters feelings, BM continuing to 'push-off' the pick-up times and her own visitation times, and much more IS emotional abuse. But I understand you not wanting to get in the middle of SD and BM's issues like that. Maybe contact the counselor and see if there are some books that you can get for SD to read about the topic. If she reads it for herself and thinks about it, she will come to her own conclusions without you having to tell her yourself. SD has put up with a lot from BM and at the age of 15, almost 16, she is beginning to understand the dynamics of the relationship with her mother. I hope she finds a safe outlet to vent her frustrations and get some answers (the counselor is excellent for that).
You are right
I do that all the time with my SD (the no thrashing BM thing) and it is so very exhausting.
I did talk with SD's counselor and it helps alot because -first,I make sure they stay on track and don't loose focus of the reason SD is there in the first place...because yes, at the beginning, SD talked alot about other stuff before getting to the core of the issues and the counselor let her do so because I guess they needed to bond and form a relationship of trust before SD could open up about the more "serious" stuff. Second- I always want to update the counselor about how things are going at home and how we are dealing with things on a daily basis, how SD has been doing etc etc...
It often helps me because she gives me pointers and often validates things for me wich is appreciated on my part cause I'm not the shrink here !
Love and hugs !
Chaotic
Good answer with the "I'm
Good answer with the "I'm not qualified...." Your SD's relationship with BM reminds me of my relaitonship with my sister. I deleted my sister's number from my phone a month ago, actually. I have one positive memory of my sister. Just one. She is two years older. I've had a lot of bad happen, and I have always tried to use my sister as my sister. It hasn't worked well. Every interaction we've had, I've had the hope that this time would be different. I asked my sister to be my matron of honor when I was engaged, and she said no because she didn't want to have to do much for my wedding. I called my sister a week after my engagement was called off to make sure she knew she didn't have to work out getting the time off, and she said she already knew from my mom. She never called to see how I was. In April, she called to "see how I was" and then told me "I told you to leave him." (Actually, she said the opposite.) Those are some of the more recent. It would be a loooooong list going back to cutting off my barbie's hair. I've always kind of hoped that she would just be there for me one day. Nope. So, I finally got to the point where I decided that I don't want to have those negative experiences with her. I choose not to have any expectation of any contact between us. My long winded point is that despite that I have no expectation, somewhere, deep down that hope that she won't suck anymore is still there. That hope still allows for the disappointment, and despite everything, I can't help but love my sister and love the idea of what our relationship is "supposed" to be. I'm sure that having you around is helping with that disapointment and hurt she is feeling.
To every thing there is a season.
What my therapist said
I was fortunate enough to be the primary parent to take SD to her counseling appts. Still am actually, though we are still not following thru on that due to SD's refusal to cooperate with therapy. But during the custody case I got my own therapist who was a SM (kids all grown now.) I told her that SD would make negative statements about BM, and when I told her I couldn't give an answer, or that I was not a better mom, we were just different, that it would be best for SD to try to love her mom for who she was, and that BM would never be the same kind of mom as me and that's ok...etc.
My therapist (not SD's) said, "Quit putting whip cream on it." What she said to do was acknowledge the compliments to me- "you are a better mom b/c you listen to your kids" with "thank you I try hard and it's nice to hear you appreciate that." Rather than sugar coat the fact that BM wasn't a good mom. She said SD was trying to figure all that out and the reason SD got mad when I just said, "Oh no she's the best mom she can be" is b/c I was trying to sugar coat.
Now that I know more about this bpd stuff, I know two things about why SD got mad. I was invalidating her feelings about BM. AND I wasn't allowing SD to triangulate with BM and idealize me.
All that being said, I think you should ask her counselor how to answer. Because you are quite right about not wanting to say the wrong thing, but also not wanting to invalidate her feelings.
I wrote before about the night SD asked me if BM was crazy. Now since that day (over a year ago) I have become much more educated about mental illness, and crazy is a relative term. But...
At the time I did agree in my heart BM was, but I didn't say a thing, just held SD as she cried and let it sink in.
I don't have the right thing to say to your SD answer either. I too am not qualified. I hope your SD's therapist will, but...
My thinking is your instincts on this are very good, and you could dig deep, think of a response that fits most of those questions, and be ready.
If my SD asked me today if BM emotionally abused her? I would likely answer that I don't think she did because I think abuse requires some sort of intent to hurt. I would once again tell SD what I always tell her about BM now.
I believe BM is not capable of the kind of nurturing most kids want. I believe BM did the best she was capable of. And I hope SD can find a place of healing with it all one day, a place of compassion for her mother, for the difficult time her mom must have thinking and acting differently about motherhood, relationships in general, than most people do.
I do this really gently b/c a few times SD felt so bad for BM after our talk, that she cried about it. Then she called BM and BM didn't return the call and SD got over it quickly.
It is a fine line, a delicate dance. Don't you wish BM put as much thought into that answer as you do?
I know that my SD's BM does not. She doesn't think about things that make her uncomfortable or bring her emotional pain. That's why she doesn't see SD much in my opinion. I do think BM loves her, and like your SD's BM, my SD's BM says things to her (did especially during the custody case) that she isn't happy if SD isn't happy, that when SD betrayed her by talking to a counselor or GAL that BM couldn't understand why SD would do that, etc. One of the hardest things for SD to reconcile about me, was when BM would play games about wanting SD for something, when we had something big planned. BM would tell SD that line about how she couldn't enjoy her family gathering without SD at all. I would tell SD to chose what she wanted to do, and it wouldn't make us sad, that we could be happy as long as SD was doing what she wanted that day. (Instead of forcing her to come with us and ruin our day actually.) SD would see this as us not loving her or wanting her there. BM must love her more because she couldn't be happy without her.
I'm so glad to hear that your SD seems to be getting that's not functional behavior. Of course...
It doesn't make it less painful when it's your mom.
Your SD is so lucky to have you Stick.
Hugs and keep up the good work.
"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen
Stick
You did everything right and your SD is lucky to have you in her life. My heart goes out to her for having to deal with a bio-mom who obviously doesn't appreciate the gift she has in her daughter. Some people just don't deserve to have children.
But you are helping her in the best possible way. Hang in there... I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
Selkie - even with all you have going on...
You took the time to answer me! Wow. What can I say ... you have a heart of gold. Your daughter (and your DH and your Skids) are LUCKY to have someone as empathetic as you in their life.
I hope that you can "take care of Selkie" too with all you have going on right now.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
All I can say is hang in there
so many tough questions and situations with no easy answers or solutions. Your sd is a bright little lady and in that you are lucky. I wish I could give more light but everything that would come from me wouldn't really help sd at all...it would be my instinct to pick her up and shield her from everything hurtful and that's not the answer either. I think your reactions are solid and definitely appropriate for the situation. Let us know what happens with her bday.
Lots of love and hugs my pretty woman
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Your BM sounds like a
Your BM sounds like a sociopath.